Girls, Girls, Girls

   Wow!  It's been a long time since I've blogged...oh how I've missed these moments to express my thoughts...here's one that's been lingering for awhile...

    In my mind I never thought I wanted girls.  I grew up with two sisters, and although I love them dearly, I wanted boys:)  If you don't already have girls, you're really missing out on all the drama, clothes fits, and, well, a lot of PINK!  Anyway, the last month or so, I've realized the beauty of my girls, and of all of my kids to help me realize that appreciation, it's Savannah (yes, the one who grows me old).   Yes, she is all about dress up and pretend right now, and I'm just loving to watch her in her own little world.  The other day I stood five feet from her for five minutes with a video camera and she didn't even know I was there.  In a mismatch of a dress, skirt, silly hat, and a lei, she prances around the house hauling her grocery cart with baby doll in tow, up and down the stairs, playing a good mix of store, restaurant, house, and beauty salon.  

    The other day I think she spent the entire day in her fairy outfit.  My first thought in looking at her half way through the afternoon was "oh, great, I'm sure their room is a mess and all the dress up is all over the place!"  I started thinking that if I saw a little girl like her in the exact same situation/outfit in a movie I would think it was the cutest thing ever...now why wouldn't that be the initial thought of my own daughter?  I think sometimes as moms, we tend to look at what always needs to be done to keep our house straightened up (I've given up on the word clean).  I often look at playtime/quiet time/pretend time as a time for myself to escape into loads of laundry, catching up on email, or a quick nap (which I have also given up on).  I rarely really take the time to engage into my kids' world of fairy princesses or superheroes (other than buy plenty of dress up or figurines to keep them busy.  Keeping the house up or playing house...which makes me a better wife and mom?  Why do I always feel like I have to choose?  Fortunately, I have a wonderful husband who appreciates and understands the effort I make on either end of these choices, but I struggle with this on a daily basis.  

    Tonight I feel like I made a great choice.  Savannah was uninterested in watching Rudolf and was looking for a playmate.  I had (and still have) a million things to do, but I knew I needed to dive into her world.  She just got a new beauty salon set from my sisters, so I asked her if she wanted to do my hair and nails.  She loved it, and took every opportunity to treat me like a real customer.  She straightened my hair, painted my toes with a variety of colors (with a plastic brush), and put lipstick on my lips (teeth, cheeks, neck, eyes, and any other exposed piece of skin).  I listened to her speak to me and took in each bit of imagination flowing through her mind...amazing.  It was in that time that I realized how much more important it is for me to play house than worry about my own (you'd think it wouldn't have taken me 4 kids to get this down...and maybe I had it once before and forgot--that happens a lot now).  

  I'm learning (slowly, obviously) if I don't meet my kids where they are, and establish solid relationships built on trust and love, regardless of what my house looks like, my kids will never want to be here as they grow older.  As uncomfortable as it may seem to pucker my lips to have my 2 (almost 3) yr. old rub a germ-infested, plastic lipstick all over my mouth, it will be even more uncomfortable to talk to my girls about boys (and all that comes with that), their changing bodies, or how to have a personal relationship with Jesus, if they think I don't understand them or their world...I've realized it's time for me to engage now, and engage fully!

    I see challenging days ahead with three girls (not gonna lie, there's a lot NOT to look forward to).  But, sometimes we ask God for things (like boys) and he doesn't always answer our prayers the way we want him to.  But,  He has still answered them in a way that may take a little longer for us to understand.  In His perfect timing, I'm uncovering the blessings that come in princess dresses and pudding messes!

Where You Go, I'll Go

Wow, I just love listening to Chris Tomlin's worship lately, and the kids love it too!  It's nice to that they enjoy listening to something other than "kid music" sometimes, and that they are actually learning the words.  It also makes for great discussion when I can talk to them about what God is asking of us and how we can honor, worship, and obey Him.

I feel like it's been forever since I've blogged, and it's mostly because this has been a very emotionally draining month.  I wish I could jump on the blog every time my kids make me smile or laugh because that happens daily and is more fun to share, but the last couple weeks have taken a toll on me and many lessons have been learned.  Needless to say, God has had something up his sleeve for me this year, and as we near the end of 2011, I'm slowly catching on:)  

For those of you who don't know, our kids call my mom GoGo...for good reason!  She is always on the move...staying busy with work, helping out with our kids, working out...whatever she's doing, she's always moving!  I'm not sure if it's a great quality all of the time, but I (un?)fortunately have inherited this inability to sit still (unless I'm blogging, of course).  Over the years, I thought this magnificent skill to juggle kids, activities, serving in church, friends, etc...,  was what made me worth something.  If I wasn't feeling productive, I wasn't being "the best I can be" (which is also a famous quote from GoGo...and the Army?).  Anyway, last week I was able to attend MomsNext (like MOPS), and the speaker spoke about solitude.  God knew I needed to be there.  I have basically been struggling this month with God over His desire for me to slow down.  It's great to serve and lead, but I am recognizing that needs to come first in our home.  I have loved homeschooling and I see the potential it has for our children and to be able to teach them about Him, and right now, that's playing second fiddle.  God knew I needed to hear this talk.

Solitude is something I need and have always admired in women who create time for it.   I can't always get solitude with 4 kiddos, but I know I need a slower pace.  I need time to be with Him.  Time to build my relationship so that I can have the strength, love, patience, and passion for the children He has given me to care for...so I can be a reflection of Him for them, so that they might know Him.  In all my busyness, I'm not sure that's what they're seeing.  They may see a Mommy who is serving a church, but they also see the impatient Mommy that hurries them along to get in the van to get there.  One piece of advice from a Mentor Mom that I hear every day in my head is to be the same person at home to your children as you are in front of everyone else.  I am not always living to that standard.  I know a slower pace and setting up some boundaries will be difficult, but long-term, I know this is what is best.  And I also know this is just a season...and seasons are temporary, but necessary.  They allow things/people to grow in order to be ready for the next season....I think God is calling me to a season to be more still and know Him.  Maybe He needs me for something BIG, so He needs me to come out of the game, sit on the bench, and take a breather to brush up on His gameplan.

Another area I have been struggling with this month is my ability to continue to believe I'm a good mom.  I think when we see our children struggle in certain areas, whether it be physical skills, lack of spiritual growth, friendships, etc...we tend to blame ourselves.  It's been tough not to feel like a failure.  When my kids forget to say "please" and "thank you" , are fighting with each other, or disobey, I wonder how I will fix it?  Recently, Aaron (our pastor), spoke about no longer praying for our children just to know who Jesus is and all of "the facts" but to have the Holy Spirit take hold of them.  I have been praying this prayer.  I know I can't fix my children.  I know I can't make them have a relationship with Jesus.  And I know that their growing pains are an opportunity for me to teach them, love them, and point them to Him.  It's hard not to feel like a bad mom at the end of the day when all I've done is give time-out, give correction, or repeat myself 800 times, getting louder each time.  Now, surely in the midst of that there are some good laughs, but by bedtime, I feel like our kids have only seen the Sergeant in me.  I want so bad for them to get "it" (whatever "it" may be for the day), and I really feel like I am sacrificing the emotional and spiritual for the behavioral...my priorities have got to change here....are you there too?

Camden's favorite Chris Tomlin song is "Where You Go, I'll Go"....the other day in the van, I really listened to these words.  I wondered how much of my life I'm trying to control and not really giving it all away to Him and for Him.  For so long, I have found my worth in doing the things of this world,  sometimes even in ministry, and having the I-can-do-it-all mentality.  But I've come to realize, at the end of the day, if I'm not obeying God, it doesn't matter how much I do, and God is the only superhero!  I know He's calling me somewhere, and He's taken me down quite a road these last 6-8 months for me to finally realize that I've known the answer all along and it's simply obedience.  He wants me to follow Him.  To forget about what the world sees as admirable (and what I believed was admirable), and simply obey, and for me, that means that I need to just be with Him.  

I apologize for my transparency today.  I needed to write this out, and it just seems to be easier to type on the blog than to paper/pencil journal.  God has really worked me over this month.  I'm still laughing...Cade makes me laugh and so do the kids, but I feel different.  It's been a long time since I've truly felt the Holy Spirit take hold of me like this.  When we decided I would stay home with Brooklyn 6 years ago, I know the Holy Spirit was working in that...I truly felt his presence.  It's been chilling to me how much I've felt many of those feelings again recently, so I know He is moving in me, and I've been convicted in how I should respond.  Please pray for me and that the discernment I need is clear.  Thanks and love!

When Parenting Hurts

  I don't know about you, but whenever I used to see a baby (before having my own), I thought parenting was the most marvelous job in the world, and the hardest part would be to get up in the middle of the night, or to teach them to stay away from the stove, or maybe even potty-training.  And although those have been trials, nothing is more painful to parents than watching the sin (we are all born with) rise up in our children.  What is even more dreadful, is knowing that some of that sin is your own sin staring back at you.

  I would prefer getting up every night at 2am over dealing with the tough love of parenting I had to deal with yesterday.  Brooklyn has been planning her first sleepover for her 6th birthday party for the last few weeks.  I will spare you the details, but because of a poor attitude and lack of obedience, I had to cancel the "slumber" part of the party.  Now granted, I wasn't awful and didn't ruin her entire birthday, but it was the most difficult thing to follow through with such a consequence that would obviously hurt her.  I cried (probably more than she did).    

   Before we had Brooklyn we sat through Shepherding a Child's Heart by Ted Tripp.  Many people think the class' focus deals with spanking, but that is only the tip of the iceberg.  The reasoning behind spanking ('cause ya can't spank forever ya know) is knowing that your child's heart is growing toward God.  The purpose of spanking or any other discipline with the correct perspective, should not be to correct simply the behavior, but your child's heart.  That's what I feel like I'm dealing with.  Now really, Brooklyn is a sweet and kind little girl; obedient and loving, and does have a "good" heart.  But, that heart is still growing and learning, and sometimes to do that it is simply required to be broken.  I really want our children to know Jesus, and I think sometimes I've wanted them to see Him and how much He loves them by  how I love them...but I'm realizing that, although we don't spoil our kids, I was trying to earn that love.  I might be buying or doing for them to provide temporary happiness, but their true JOY must come from  HIM alone.  I cannot show them that, convince them of that, or give them that.  It's so tough.

   The part I mentioned before about watching your own sin stare you in the face is scary.  I see the things that frustrate me about our children, and it's mostly the things I struggle with in my own life.  I tell them not to wake up with a negative attitude, but there are surely days I am not the first ray of sunshine they see.  I tell them not to be frustrated and control their emotion, yet there are often times I'm sighing, or giving "the look", or yelling, out of my own anger.  I think I am mad at me because I can't be the person I want to be...you know, the person I've probably identified in previous posts that doesn't exist...but I think I want my kids to be that so they can live a "perfect life".  Newsflash...that doesn't exist either, and neither do perfect kids.  I need to face my own sin, my own faults, and my own emotions, and pray that those would be laid at the foot of the cross so that I can be an example of grace and love to my children.  I'm the adult; the one with a relationship with Christ; the one who knows and understands the power of prayer; I'm their example, and I need to make changes.

   Yesterday I kept telling myself I just wasn't any good at this parenting thing anymore.  I've been blessed with four babies and fortunately am still enjoying little toes, giggles, and a person who doesn't talk, but only smiles at me and favors my touch over anyone else:)  Ahhhh, that parenting I love.  This older kid stuff is making me crazy and I'm trying to locate the equipment God hid somewhere in the house, so I can prepare myself to handle these emotional times and strong will (and she's only turning 6!).  But, the more I had all these thoughts, the more I realized God gave me Brooklyn to grow her and love her.  He gave her to me to teach me more about myself and where I need to grow; He gave her to me because He knew I would know how to love her, how to reach her, and how to help lead her to Him.  I have to believe that.  I have to believe that He has trusted me, and I have to trust in Him and not give up, on Him, or me, and especially not on her.

  Parenting does hurt, but I know it is a marvelous privilege .  I love all of our kids, and I know this is only the beginning of the trials and valleys that lie ahead.  I know it will all be okay...and, of course, a good girl talk, a Starbucks, and a Pumpkin Pie blizzard have all helped ease the pain:)  Have a great weekend!

It Is Well With Soul

  It is well with my soul (well, at least I'm blogging on one of those days).  We sang this song a couple weeks ago at church and the phrase has just been pouring over my heart and mind ever since.  I don't know if I'm trying to convince myself that it's all good, but I think it really is.  We sang this song the Sunday before Cade and I headed to Washington D.C. for a little getaway.  Getting on a plane and leaving three of our kids can make any mom a nervous wreck...but for so many reasons I felt content (not that I wanted to leave them permanently).  Anyway, singing that song that particular morning just made me smile, and thinking of that phrase on a daily basis continues to encourage me.

  Like any mom, whether you have four kids or one, the daily grind can get overwhelming and discouraging.  Nothing is ever enough, and basically, cleaning the house is like eating an Oreo cookie while brushing your teeth...it's never really gonna get clean!  Kids are whining, the phone is ringing, emails are piling up, and it's 11 A.M. and you haven't even brushed your teeth (oh, let's get honest, there's days if I don't have to go out that my teeth don't get brushed or a shower doesn't happen 'til after lunch!).  But, even in the midst of all of this chaos, I've realized that deep down it IS well with my soul.  If all of it was gone, I would be incomplete.  So much joy comes from being a mom and a wife, and a friend, and a leader, and a neighbor, and a sister and daughter, and a woman.  All of these roles, although pulling from many directions at times, is such an honor.  It is such a privilege from God that He has given me an opportunity to live out these roles so that I might know this joy and feel complete and know that He has given all of these people and this beautiful life because He loves me.  Quite honestly, it's overwhelmingly humbling.  

  Life has a way of getting in the way of knowing God.  Sometimes it's hard to know that God has all things designed to give our lives hope and a future, and to make good things even in the midst of our struggles.  It's hard to see that it is well with our soul all of the time because we find ourselves so wrapped up in whether it is well with our bank account, our kids' behavior, our marriage, our career/household, etc...that we equate that to whether it can be well with our soul....but really, they don't have anything to do with each other.  Trust me, there's a lot of things I don't have together, and many flaws that hide even deep in the pit of my gut, but it is well with my soul because I know it is Him alone who gives me life and joy and covers me with His love.  It is more than I could ever ask for.  Therefore, on days when things don't seem to be going my way, worshiping Him is one thing that brings me back to Him and know that He is in control; and as long as I'm good with Him, everything else will fall into place (eventually!).  Who doesn't love getting out of the house and driving ALONE (ok, well, that is a praise by itself) and just turning up a Chris Tomlin worship song and belting it out in the car?  C'mon, I know I'm not the only one!

   Ok, enough from my insighful soapbox.  Some of you have asked how homeschooling has been going.  Here's an update:  Fortunately, Brooklyn is a very eager and quick learner.  She looks forward to most of her schoolwork and we tend to work pretty quickly.  It definitely gives us some structure to our day.  She has learned about seven cursive letters so far and is even starting to string some of the letters together to form words.  We've been reading a lot!  Nothing too "academic".  We love reading Junie B. Jones...she is a funny gal and Brooklyn loves to listen to the stories, and I love to read them!  She's like a Ramona little girl and she's in Kindergarten, which makes it very easy to relate to a lot of her dilemmas:)  Brookyn's reading and writing a lot on her own too...I'm amazed at everything she picks up and is trying on her own.  She's making great strides in her math work too.  I'm slowly coming a long with a curriculum I'm trying with Camden and Savannah.  They enjoy learning too and some things we all do together, but they've got their own thing too....it's all been fun.  

   MOPS has been going well this year.  I'm so amazed at all of the amazing leadership I work with in MOPS.  Seriously, each of these women bring so much to the table....whether it's their love for people, prayer, the Word, mentoring, etc...these ladies ROCK!   I am sooooo thankful simply to know each of them, and even more blessed to work with them in ministry.  

  Finally, Cade and I took our 10 yr. anniversary trip to Washington D.C.  We took Ellie with us, so it wasn't necessarily a break...and we walked hours each day, so it wasn't necessarily restful...but hey, we were away!  It wasn't a destination I'd choose again for a re-energizing getaway, but under the circumstances of having a baby, it worked for us and we did have a great time.  It was a wonderful time to reconnect, laugh aloud at each other's jokes (and we laugh a lot...even when we're only funny to each other!), and create special memories.  I am grateful to know that it doesn't take too much for me to realize what a great man I have married.  Although I'd never pass up a good "woo", the little things Cade does for me, mean so much.  He still opens doors (and the cardoor) for me first, he does the dishes without me asking, he makes our bed in the morning, he plays with the kids, changes diapers, and so much more...I even got flowers just the other day for no reason at all!  Each morning I roll out of bed, even if, as we call it in our house, I'm "grumpy pants", he still finds ways to love me and serve me....I don't always deserve it. 

  This week, Aaron (our pastor) has challenged us to serve one another.  If it is well with my soul, and the circumstances I have written about above have been any indication as to how God is blessing my life, I will surely be finding ways to humble myself and serve my family, friends, my church, and the people I come in contact with this week.  I challenge you do to the same.  God bless and take care!

I Have Confidence...Sometimes

  The theme running through my mind these days and with other women in recent weeks seems to be that of confidence.  Why is it that as women we are constantly doubting ourselves...our abilities, the way we look, the way we are raising our children, decisions that need to be made, etc...  Maybe that's not you, but it's something I've struggled with lately.  

  I have been homeschooling now for three weeks.  Even though I'm enjoying it, and am loving watching Brooklyn and those "I get it" moments, I can't help but lack that confidence that I've made the right decision.  Did I choose the right curriculum?  Are we on track?  Should she be in a school building?  The questions are always pouring in.  However, I've learned through this process that we made this decision over time...we listened to God and were led to this plan for our family.  It may only be in His plan for the next year, or five years, but I have to remain most confident in my trust in Him and that He is speaking to us in many avenues.  Doors of opportunity to continue to open, therefore, I AM CONFIDENT!

  In contrast, as I mentioned in a previous post, I continue to lack confidence in my appearance.  Yes, I know I just had a baby (but that excuse is slowly wearing away the older she gets!), but I have friends that did too and they're already in their skinny jeans!  I know we were all made different, but I just feel like I carry less confidence in myself every time it's time to get dressed.  I dread the mirror and what it's telling me.  However, I'm learning that I'm allowing myself to believe the mirror and not believe in the God who created me in His love and in His image.  I know God looks at my heart and the gifts I have to offer the world...only I'm having trouble fully giving those away because the mirror is stealing that from me.  I NEED CONFIDENCE!

  Every day God is giving me choices to allow Him to lead with His plan, or for the world and my deceiving mind to take control.  Unfortunately, I find myself failing as the opinions of others cloud my mind.  Our pastor spoke about this last Sunday, and I knew God was using that message to speak to me.  I've had several conversations this week to confirm that...I've spoken with other women to confirm that they struggle with the same issues.  So, I write about these things, not in hopes that I have others to "suffer" with me, but so we can encourage one another in understanding that we are beautiful people...people who have gifts from God to share...to help each other realize that God wants to use us despite the clouded lens we look through.   We need one another for that reminder that it's not about your pants size, whether you send your kid to preschool, you choose to homeschool/private school/public school, you do/don't crafts with your kids, you choose to/not to workout, you lead a Bible Study or you're you only attend, or whatever struggle your facing with lack of confidence about yourself as mom, wife, or woman.  Find someone this week and be transparent with them...tell them where you're weak; a concern in your life where you're not confident, and work together to see how God is working there; what is He teaching you?; and what will it take for you to find confidence in Him.   

 I feel like I'm just throwing up my thoughts tonight.  I want to be more confident...I even keep singing that song "I Have Confidence" from The Sound of Music.  As much as that helps, I'm still going to count on hearing God speak into my life for His leading.  When I follow Him there's not need to doubt the decisions we make or the person I am.  Take care.

I love Moms!

  We are right around the corner from a new MOPS year.  I am so excited to be a part of another wonderful leadership team.  Each woman brings so many unique gifts to the table to offer.  I must say that I am so blessed to be around creative geniuses, couponing queens, discount divas, prayer warriors, and mentor moms---all who have touched me and helped me to learn and grow as a mom, wife, and woman. 

  I think moms are the coolest people around...really!  I know we can also be the most stressed and the least made-up (with our hair pulled back, no make-up, and clothes that hide whatever muffin top some of us still have), but we can also be the most fun and most real (when we choose to anyway).  I always look forward to my time at MOPS.  I consider myself to be pretty open and transparent about the things I struggle with and the mistakes I've made as a mom.  Who knew there would be a whole meeting where I could share all of these things with other moms?  I love it!  I love sharing these mishaps (and the good mom stuff too) with moms because whether you're a mom of 1 or 4 or 7, you're a mom who will make mistakes...no mom is perfect.  I know there are moms out there that I put on a pedestal and I shouldn't.  She has off days too...days that her kids cry at the store, they don't listen and obey, and days that she questions, "Are these kids really mine?"   

  When I first became pregnant with Brooklyn, I started reading (mom/new parent books)...and then I stopped!  Everyone and everything in those books were giving me a complex.  I learned and continue to learn most of my mothering from watching other moms and asking questions.  That's why I love to share with moms.  The only way we can learn and grow in this area is to be truly real with one another.  To know that we all fail on a daily basis...sure, we all want to be that mom who breaks out her perfect picnic basket at the playdate full of sandwiches that include lettuce, carrots that our kids will eat with out ranch, and an entire fruit tray...but, I know I'm not.  I'm lucky to get my kids to engage in eating a 1/2 of a sandwich with peanut butter and some kind of fruit, but surely we know they simply are choking it down to get the chips and chocolate chip cookie they know I brought!  

  Unfortunately, our life isn't the Brady Bunch where things resolve themselves quickly, and everyone, including Alice (who has an Alice these days anyway?), is just a happy camper.  We sure have an Oscar the Grouch around here every day, and sometimes it's even me.  There just isn't a perfect family, a perfect mom, or perfect kids.  For some reasons I still find myself with the expectation that this will happen, but each time I'm disappointed.  For instance, in my mind, when we started homeschooling, I was certain that we would gather at the table each morning and do a family devotion, say the pledge, read our verse, do the calendar and weather, and the kids would work wonderfully and diligently as I taught them new things each day...REALITY:  Brooklyn and I are able to complete her schoolwork successfully, but there are times I'm holding Ellie while teaching, we've only said the pledge 3-4 times in the last 2 weeks, we've only done 2 family devotions, and I encourage T.V. watching, Wii playing, and computer time for Camden and Savannah just so I can get the work done!  Now, that to say, I have loved homeschooling and I know over time we will all adjust and I can make our time and schedule more productive and efficient as we move forward, but I had to jump in with two feet and try before I could make those adjustments and learn where our weaknesses were. 

  Anyway, back to MOPS...Two years ago, a MOPS speaker challenged us to find our passion.  I really thought about that...hard.  Of course, my family is my passion, but outside of that I realized that I loved moms.  I love spending time with other moms, encouraging other moms, and helping moms to realize they are not alone in this journey (it's kind of like No Child Left Behind...No Mom Left Behind).  When I first had Brooklyn, I did feel alone.  I thought I was the only one whose baby didn't sleep well, or the only mom who found she couldn't breastfeed.   Little thoughts like that can drive a woman crazy...no woman really wants to be alone...I mean, don't get me wrong, I love to be alone (in peace and quiet), but not alone too long with my thoughts, because I know I can drag myself down to believing I'm not good enough.  

  As usual, I think this post has been all over the place, but I am so excited that MOPS begins this next week.  I would encourage all moms to find other moms to get together with...it doesn't have to be MOPS...it can be with your neighbors, church friends, etc..., but don't be alone.  Don't be afraid of that "perfect mom" you see walking in the grocery with her kids waddling quietly behind her, not knocking anything off the shelves (she surely drugged them or threatened their life before they left the van)....that mom doesn't exist.  And if you're reading this and you need a mom friend, let me know, and we'll schedule a playdate!

Feeling a little Gray

  Well, it's so quiet tonight at the house, I thought it would be a good time to blog!  My days with Savannah seem never-ending with these terrible 2's.  My other kids were not like her...let's just say she has her own sense of "spunk".  Cade assures me she will one day be a very fun kid...I look very forward to that day because right now she is just a hot mess.  I spend most of my days just putting out her fires and cleaning up her messes! 

  Brooklyn and I have been getting along well as we've started homeschooling this week.  She is really trying hard and it's fun to watch her learn and process her work.  I know one day she'll be out doing it on her own, but I love watching her confidence build and knowing that I am affirming her.  Tonight I really got a glimpse that my once-baby is growing up...she lost her first tooth!  I watcher her wiggle it, twist it, and the pull that sucker right out.  I have never seen her so excited...it's a joy God gives us to see our children beam with happiness...what a gift:)

  So what's really been on my mind?  Well, the Goodwill commercial...I am THAT lady who is throwing her clothes out...my line, "Well, that fit...4 babies ago!  This body will never be the same."  I've realized most recently while doing the laundry that I sure do wear a lot of gray...and I think it's actually a reflection of how I've been feeling about myself.  Now, I know I'm not obese and I just had a baby coming on 10 wks. ago, but my body image and self-esteem are struggling.  I really worry that the confidence I once had will never  return.  It has made it hard to feel like myself and feel comfortable being around other people.  In all honesty (because you know I'm honest here), my body image consumes me and has for many years.  I mean, it's the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see at night.  It's what I notice about other people.  I sometimes secretly wish my tiny friends would eat a few more burgers, but mostly I just long to know the secrets God gave their metabolism since He seemed to skip over mine...or did He? 

  It's no lie that God created all of us in His image, so why do I struggle with this acceptance?  Cade loves me and has never given me any reason to believe he doesn't have eyes for me; my kids love me and see me as Mom, not a marshmellow (oh, and Camden hasn't asked me anymore when the baby will come out of my belly again).  I know my body, although less than stellar now, was intended to bear life to four marvelous miracles.  I know that it has carried them, nourished them, and well, we won't say held them to term because that just wouldn't be true...but this bod's earned a good B+ for her effort!  My body has had the strength to push them out and then heal from all that trauma. God made a woman's body special...if I could only see it in the mirror.

  I know some of you don't struggle with this, but maybe it's not about your weight, but something else.  There's surely something in all of us that we fail to see as beautiful.  I'm working hard mentally, emotionally, and spiritually to accept who I am.  You'd think by 32 I would know this.  It's an insecurity I've carried as a burden for many years.  I'm getting vulnerable with you so that you know you're not alone.  I think some people look at other women and think, "Wow, she's got it all together."  I've done that, and I've also learned that there is no perfect woman.  God gives us all our little "hang up"...I'm trying to understand how to handle it (and others I'll take up with God later)?

   There's something in me that longs to feel comfortable in my own skin and to be all God has intended for me to be.  I'm really feeling guilty through much of this though because God definitely doesn't look at anything but the heart.  Unfortunately sometimes I have heart failure.  I've let my outside determine my inside, which in turn, has kept me back from fully using the gifts He's given me.  I have a goal  now though and have been getting back into the groove of exercising and making a point to be healthy and strong for our children, and so I let God see that He made me more than a body, but a woman with a passion to serve people.  I know I can do it, and whatever your "hang up" is, you can overcome it too:)

Beautiful by Bethany Dillon  (song)

School's in Session

  Wow, I can't believe tomorrow we start school.  I'm a little nervous about what the year will bring.  Homeschooling was never on my radar when we planned to have a family, but here we are!  Even though I have the first day jitters, I'm pretty excited to get things underway.  I'm praying this is a great opportunity to give our family back some structure since Ellie's been born.  We're so close to getting back into routine and back in a rhythm.  It's been a crazy summer, and I'm honestly not sure where it went?  I'm also praying that this is a time that I can grow closer to Brooklyn.  The poor girl is dying for my attention, and I know as much as she loves her siblings, she really needs that one-on-one time with me.  I'm hoping this will be times of positive reinforcement and that God gives me grace in all circumstances...especially in this first week.  It will be challenging to play both the teacher role and Mommy role, but I've watched many moms do it, so I know there will be a way.

  Through all of the decisions we have made over the past year, I'm so thankful that Cade has jumped on board with everything.  I know he was hesitant at first, but I am grateful he considered my concerns and desires and took the time to talk with other homeschool husbands, and even attended the Homeschool Convention!  I think we both know this is a trial year and one year at time is what we've agreed to...and even if I have them home for one more year, I'm thankful (but don't ask me about that in January!).  I'm also happy my family has responded well.  I know not everyone thinks we're making the "right" decision, but everyone has been supportive, so I hope they will see the fruit.  I hope the see the confidence that needs to build up in Brooklyn...and I hope we can all help her become who God has intended for her to be!

  On an unrelated note, these last couple weeks I've seen and heard of a lot of tragedy.  I know all of the families who are suffering (although not well), but all have involved children.  It has made me appreciate my own children, but I feel so much guilt.  God has given me such a gift in my children and I'm not always sure I take care of that gift the way He had intended.  In all transparency, I don't think I'll be winning the "Patient Mom of the Year" award and I'm glad I was recently reminded about the gift of grace.  So many children are effected by the loss of a parent, or parents are effected by the loss or illness of children.  I'm so blessed to have healthy children...they're here right in front of me...I need to take advantage of that.  Yes, they need to learn to play independently...have imaginations, etc., etc, etc...BUT I need to BE with them.  I need to take more opportunities to read to them, play a game, draw a picture, give a hug, a smooch, and affirm them--tell them I love them and tell them Jesus loves them.  I want to be a woman of grace and excellence...a woman my children look at and want to be near...and I still have some work to go in this area.  I have been praying for my friends who have or are suffering loss in their lives right now.  I'm praying that they heal quickly, knowing that life here is not our home.  And although their loss or trial is difficult, it has been used to show people like me that our life here is temporary and not only will I and my children be gone, but that knowing that, I have little time to show my children love so that I might leave an eternal legacy for them...leaving something to them that is more important than Disney world, game systems, or the size of our house.  I hope that on the day that we part, whenever that may be, that they knew Christ because they saw Him in me.

  Well, when I started blogging tonight I didn't think I'd have much to say.  I was excited to begin a new week and a new adventure.  I guess I've been thinking a lot this week too.  God has definitely put a lot on my heart and probably in good timing--starting tomorrow I have the opportunity to really have an impact in the lives of my children.  I hope He will be glorified in all of it!

God as Father

   I welcome the new day...it's beautiful this morning.  I feel like life has been out of control lately.  The kids seem to have forgotten what it means to obey the first time they're asked, what it means to be kind to one another, and how to serve one another and help around the house.  To be honest, I've felt like a failure.  I feel like the tone of my voice is angry and I have been less than Christ's example of love for my children.  How will they know Him if I'm not reflecting who He really is?  I want so much for them to know Him, but I feel like I am holding them back...they are a reflection of me, and I'm not being a reflection of Him.

  When I woke up this morning, I appreciated that it was a day to start over.  Each day His mercies are anew, and this morning I realized mine were too for my children.  I wanted to give them a fresh start, a day to have another chance to do the right things and feel forgiven.  The more I learn and grow as a parent, the more I feel like I understand God.  I think every parent could tell you that as soon as they become pregnant or deliver and see their new baby, they have a better understanding of Christ's overwhelming love.  You would do anything for that child to protect them, and you desire the best for their life.  I want the best for my children...not in terms of materialism, vacations, etc..., but to help them understand how to invest for their eternal lives by building relationships, serving others, and giving generously.  So, my frustrations come from times when I feel like we're teaching  and modeling those things, and the fruit is slow to grow.

  I think God sent Jesus so He would understand us, and I think He gave us children so we would understand Him.  I spend every day wondering why I can't get through to my kids...why don't they want to give to each other instead of being selfish and teasing; why don't they obey immediately instead of trying to find their way around their chores or the task at hand; and why is everything ever enough?  But the more I have thought about this, aren't I like that with God?  I'm always wanting more, and life's circumstances have never been "perfect" enough for me.  God has made many roads clear, and I have clearly chosen at times to follow down a different path, thinking my way was best.  And, I have certainly been selfish with my time and possessions with friends, my spouse, and my children.  Isn't God exhausted and tired of me?  But like I said earlier, His mercies are new every day and I feel that.  I feel forgiven, and loved, and like I get to start over.  And I want to be that way for my children.

  Parenting definitely gets more and more challenging every day.  And we only have 4 kids...I can't imagine the exhaustion God feels!  I guess what I'm trying to say, and what I learning, is that when I'm so frustrated with my kids, it's an opportunity to pray.  It's time to think about what I've done and where I've fallen and how I've been forgiven.  It's a chance to give my kids the grace they deserve because I've been overwhelmed by that grace time and time again.  I hope in recognizing this I can become a better mom and a better reflection of Christ...the Christ I want my kids to know and see in me.

Love...What a Beautiful Gift

   God has graciously given us the gift of love.  We often use the word love so loosely...like I love McDonald's Cokes, cookies, summertime, friends, etc...  But, love should not be used so casually when speaking about the people in our lives He has blessed us with.  Since 1997, I knew I loved Cade.  There was just something about this guy that fulfilled all I was looking for in a husband...and if we're being honest, he didn't and couldn't match up to everything, but all of who he was, was enough for me!  And 10 years ago today we were married!!  There is nothing better than marrying someone who grew to be your best friend...and continues to be that same best friend to this very day.

   I could fill pages about our relationship and the strength is has gained over these past 10 years.  We've had trials like any other couple.  We've made life-changing decisions, career decisions, family decisions, etc...together.  We laugh often and still tell each other jokes.  We confide in one another and become vulnerable when it comes to sharing our own insecurities.  We watch our kids and then look at each other in smile...I think both knowing "we created these beautiful people" (well, they're beautiful in those moments...the other times we look at each other I think we're thinking "why did we create these people?" ...just kidding!)

   A lot of other couples do these things and have these feelings too, but through all of it, what makes it most satisfying is that we have found faith, hope, and joy because we have Jesus as our foundation.  We've celebrated and struggled but always knew He was there with us.  Without this faith in Christ we could have traveled through dark, scary alleys instead of just falling in a small pothole.  Marriage is wonderful, but it's not easy and something to be worked on and through everyday.

  I love Cade more and more each day.  It's a gift to know him, a gift to be with him, and an even greater gift to know I get to spend the rest of my life with him!  Love you babe!

June vs. Jill

  So, last night I was having a June Cleaver moment as I baked my cookies...well, the more I think about it, it wasn't like June Cleaver would have experienced at all!  I didn't wear an apron, rather, the sweat pouring from my brow, from not just baking cookies, but the 20 other things I was doing as well.  I don't think the Beaver or Wally stood in line asking for chunks of cookie dough as a little treat, and I never saw June wearing a Baby Bjorn in any episode while baking either?  Yes, June was a great mother, so well-tempered and self-controlled, and always seemed organized and put-together, and I often look around and see "June Cleavers" at church, in the grocery store, the library, etc...buuuuuuuutttt, that's a far cry from what I experience day-to-day as a mom of four.  I've realized I'm putting these other women on a pedestal (and am sinfully jealous), and trying to be that woman instead of who God made me...hot mess and all!  So, over the course of this week, I have been laughing to myself about the things that happen and I realize it's because I'm a mom, and there's just craziness that comes with it!  These aren't always things I'm proud of (by any means), or things I'd choose to converse about over a nice dinner with friends I'm trying to impress, but just things a mom, or anyone who knows a mom well, would understand.  So, here's my list of reasons I know I'm a mom (in no particular order!):

1.  As I've been trying to REALLY organize the house AGAIN to get ready for homeschooling, I've realized that some people have "junk drawers", but I have junk drawers, a junk closet, and just junk EVERYWHERE!

2.  I've started working out again in the last couple weeks.  I've realized I am the lady in the Goodwill commercial who will never fit into many of my clothes again.  I mean, baby #3 took me over the edge, and well, this baby #4 just killed my body!

3.  Speaking of working out, can any mom really do such a thing anymore without wetting herself just a little?  Not to mention sneeze, cough, or be startled suddenly?

4.  This week I was trying to get a lot accomplished without much success (imagine that?).  Last night I found myself making a "to do" list of things I'd already done just so I could cross things off and feel like I did something this week!

5.  I love listening to my music and singing in the van (by myself!).  However, there is nothing more wasteful in the sense of that time than when I find myself riding in the van (by myself), and for the first 15 minutes, listening to children's music and singing along....ahhhh!

6.  I have to admit....there is something sad about yelling at your kids to stop yelling!!

7.  I try to put in place a lot of "systems", routines, new rules, etc... that only last a day or two...it's hard to find order and consistency in motherhood...still working on it!

8.  My kids sometimes (ok, more than sometimes) don't eat fruits and veggies at every meal and sometimes (ok, lots of times) I feel like a made-to-order cook.  This is something I'm definitely wanting to work on, and for this reason,  it makes dinnertime one of my least favorite times of the day (when it should be one of the most valued).  With all of the kids at their ages (which shouldn't be an excuse, I know), I sometimes feel like we're even eating in shifts (but, honestly, we do almost always eat together as a family every night).  Mealtime is definitely something we're working on in our house.

9.  On the contrary, one of my favorite moments of the day is bedtime...not actually the kids bedtime, but my bedtime.  I love looking in on the kids and seeing them sleeping peacefully.  And honestly, it's not always because they're sleeping peacefully, but simply because they're ASLEEP and it's peaceful!!

10.  I struggle every day to know if  I'm doing a good job and the right things for my family.  Am I showing them Christ's love through my words and actions...am I an example to them?  Am I spending enough time with them as a group or one-on-one?  Do they know they're loved for who they are or am I making them feel like they're not good enough?  Am I making a safe environment for them--to speak to me and share their thoughts and fears?  I think these are the thoughts that make me a mom more than anything...the thoughts that run through my mind (from Satan, of course) that make me doubt that God gave me this family because He knew I could do it...He knew I could love them and care for them as He would (ok, ok, He would do a much better job, and surely wouldn't wet His pants, but you get it). 

  Looking forward to a new week full of hope... hope that I can work on each of these things, but still find joy in the valleys and in all the work God has set before me.  More than anything, through my family and in this work, I am finding the rough patches in my own life...the things that are holding me back from being the mom, wife, and woman God desires me to be.  But, each day I get a new chance to make better decisions for Him and in Him.  Praise Him!

It's Been Going...

   Well, it's been way to long since my last post!   I've actually attempted to start this blog entry a couple times, but get interrupted, and by the time I get another opportunity, a few days have passed and the deep thought I had has turned into a mist...as do most thoughts these days...last week @ church someone asked me Ellie's middle name, and I couldn't even tell them until after a good minute!!   Finding some quiet time is rare these days and I've actually been using any of that time I have to read...I feel like I've been reading a lot lately...and reading for ME, not how to be a better mom or better at anything for that matter, but just books that are inspiring me, and, in turn, are hopefully making me a better wife, mom, and woman of God.  I am currently reading a book called Cold Tangerines.  I've enjoyed this book so much and I would say it's one of my favorites!  I feel that the author writes similar to my style of writing, which has made my wheels turn as to what God has over the horizon for me.  Writing has always been a passion of mine and one of the main reasons for my degree in English in my undergrad, but I've always found it hard to paper and pencil journal, yet blogging seems to have caught me this time and hopefully I can keep up with it.  Books ideas are always spinning, but I still don't have the confidence that I have enough of anything to share.  Being in the hospital, blogging seemed to have allowed me to be transparent and really share the good, the bad, and the very ugly parts of me...but as I also shared, it's allowed me to dive deeper into myself and realize the parts of me that need to be worked on and grow in this journey of motherhood.  I've realized my selfish tendencies, my maternal instinct to protect, and the importance of a strong and healthy marriage with a dose of good girlfriend nights at Starbucks!
   Ellie is now 5 weeks old and about 8 lbs.  She is such a sweet baby and very good.  The kids have done really well with her and can't walk past her without touching her or kissing on her...they love her, and I can't wait until she can join in their little "gang"...although I can wait on one more kiddo to have to referee!   I feel like I'm doing really well so far in balancing everything and keeping my sanity.  I suffered from post-partum anxiety with the other three, but this time around has been different for some reason...whatever the reason, I am grateful.  Post-partum is nothing I have ever been ashamed of, and I try to tell other women they shouldn't either.  We're wearing a lot of hats as moms and balancing it all can sometimes be a little overwhelming.
  Over the course of the last couple weeks, I've talked with a few mom friends that I'm still getting to know.  I always feel refreshed and normalized after meeting with other moms.  I realize I'm not the only one who is particular about the small things.  For example, my dear husband was so willing to put the sheets on the kids' beds as I was feeding Ellie and the other kids were heading to bed.  When I went in to check on Camden as I was finally going to bed at 1am with Ellie, I noticed that the characters on his bed were upside down...ahhhhh!!  I've really tried to let go of these little things, but  I very much wanted to pull Camden out of bed and fix them!  You will be proud of me to know that I didn't, but it took me awhile to make myself fall asleep and forget about the sheets.  I did, however, fix them the next morning, and calmly explained to Cade, in the most gracious way, as to how to put on the sheets...he laughed at my craziness and offered to get me some counseling (btw, we were both laughing!). 
  I've also talked with a mom who has only made me more passionate about my role in MOPS.  So many moms, including myself, just aren't feeling great about themselves.  The guilt piles up all day long when we're dealing with little ones and we just never feel good enough to meet all their needs...and often they let us know that...regardless of how irrational that need is!  For instance, the other night we let them stay up a little longer and watch Wipeout.  I came downstairs at about 8:02 and turned it on.  Brooklyn came down at 8:03 and seems to think  I can rewind time, or that her life is over because she missed two minutes of the show...does she not understand we don't have DVR and that it's not the end of the world?  No, she stomps to the couch and pouts, blaming me (of course, THE MOM) that she missed someone falling into goop!  Sometimes if I'm grumpy at the end of the day, I look back at the day and realize that all I've said is "No", "don't do that!", "ok, you need to sit here for timeout", etc...everything seems negative.  We are home to build our children up, and I know we are, but the times we have to discipline and correct, often make our hearts heavy.  I love being a part of MOPS and being able to talk and create an environment that encourages moms.  I love being a mom.  I love other moms and want them to see the importance of their role as mom even in the midst of 5 yr. old demands and attitude, 4 yr. old whining, 2 yr. old ornryness, and a crying newborn (ok, well, that's where I'm at!).  We are all in this together (HS Musical reference),  and we need each other to feel normal, encouraged, and to lean on.
   It's with a happy heart that I know I'm in His plan and not my own.  I know my time here is limited and I'm looking for ways to make an impact on my children.  Right now, with some neighbor girlfriends, I'm study How to be a Woman of Excellence.  I'm really being convicted as to how to grow as a mom, wife, and woman.  It's so hard...I mess up every day...but the good news is that He loves us,  He forgives us, and their is HOPE that comes with each day.  I'm trying, as I'm sure many of you are, to be better FOR Him and IN Him.  In thanks to many of you for the prayers I have coveted for the last few months, I am now praying for you...you moms (and dads if any guys are really reading this) that are struggling right now to know how God is using you and what He desires for you.  Please feel free to email me or FB me and let me know how I can be specifically praying for your needs.  Love you all!
 

Welcome Elizabeth "Ellie" Jane Stockwell

  After seven weeks on bedrest, six hospital visits, three episodes of magnesium, and two tries at the epidural, this Amazing Race is OVER...Baby Ellie is finally here!  We are so blessed to have had this beautiful baby girl on a beautiful Friday evening on June 10th.  She weighed in at 6 lbs. and 20 1/2 in. in length at 7:02pm.  She came out after only pushing through two contractions.  For the first time in our experiences of having our children, we allowed for my mom and sister to be present during the delivery.  After helping a friend with a homebirth this past fall, I realized that personally being able to see a baby being born is such a blessing.  My mom and sister had both really wanted to come in, and how could I deny them after what I had been able to experience.  It was so awesome having them there and watching their tears of joy shed as she was born.  She was perfect!
   Ellie has been able to stay with us in the room from the get-go.  Everything has gone well.  She loves to be held and snuggled, which I am sure she will get plenty of at our house.  The kids came to see her yesterday and just fell in love...especially Savannah.  I know she is excited for Mommy and baby to be home for good.  We are so excited to just get our lives back and begin our new normal....whatever those details might entail?!
   I am so tired, but so overjoyed and full of love.  Everytime I've had a baby, I get a better glimpse of God's love for me and all of us for that matter.  His love is so overwhelming and it is that way for each of us.  We really don't know how much love we have in us until we're asked to share it so intimately and with so many, especially with our spouse and then many children.  And we fall hard for those little babies!!  Just to look at Ellie and see that God had knitted her to perfection in my womb and kept her nestled there until the perfect time...and really, His timing seemed like a reward on Friday...the situation could not have been more ideal and gone more smoothly.  I really felt rewarded for our perseverance.   I know I spent many weeks and days in frustration and feeling defeated, but through that time, I know God really worked on me, and worked so this transition with our new baby girl would be much easier...and now it will be since she will be coming home WITH US today!! 
   Finally, I could not end this entry without expressing our appreciation for all of you who have followed us through this journey...whether through prayers, meals, watching kids, sending a card, a phone call, an email, words of enouragement, books and magazines, gift bags for our kids, Starbucks, fountain Cokes, or milkshake runs, etc... you have touched our lives.  We are still feeling the love!!  We look forward to getting home and sharing her with each of you.  We will always let her know how special this experience was for us and how so many great friends and family rooted for her to make it as far as she did...she will always know she is a champion!  Thanks again and hugs and love to all of you!  Take care.

Blessings

One of the first things Savannah said to me this morning was, "Mommy, baby coming out?"  I think she is just as anxious as me to meet this little one.  It's so hard to wait for a surprise or a special gift...we always want to know what's inside...what are we going to get?   I am  now 36 weeks and 4 days...so exciting!  I know the end is coming, I just hope baby knows he/she can only hide up there only a little while longer and eventually he/she will have to get his/her stubborn self out of there.  I just keep praying that he/she will see the light and bolt towards it!!   
  I spent the evening by myself going to the store after a long (but good) day with the kids.  I realized as I drove to the store belting out praise music in the car that this might be one of the last evenings I am able to really spend alone for awhile.   On the way home I stopped at Steak 'N Shake and got a milkshake for Cade and I...mmmmm, it was good.  I also came to the realization that these will be the last days I can just stop for burgers, milkshakes, and fountain Cokes.  It won't be long before I'm eating carrot sticks, fruit, and drinking only water, trying to shed these pounds...but in the meantime, I think I'll enjoy these last little cravings!
   The more I've spoken to people the last couple of days, the more I have thought about what God is really trying to show me through this never-ending pregnancy!  Over the last three days, I feel like I've finally come to terms with the fact that God is ultimately in control.  I'm not trying so hard anymore to make baby come, but have really tried to lavish in the time He's given me with the three precious babies I have in front of me.  I've taken the time to play games, read books, get in the pool, and pitch balls, all because I want each of them to know how much I love them, and to not ever think this new baby will replace that love.  It's been so good spending my days just enjoying each of them and their unique personalities. 
    Recently, I heard of the song Blessings by Laura Story.  This song is really reflective of how God teaches us through difficult times and how He shows us His mercy and grace when He doesn't always answer our prayers the way we would like.  In the last few days, I've really seen how God might be working for a reason to keep this baby toasting a little longer.   I am trying to see the goodness in this waiting game instead of the frustration and demand of keeping my legs shaved!   Really, James 1:2-5 says,
  "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you      know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you."

God has definitely produced some perseverance in me and our entire family.  He has matured my faith and given me no excuse why leaning into Him and the power of prayer should ever be doubted.  I am sure I am still lacking wisdom that will come through other valleys I will face in the future, but I know now to only make sure I'm relying on Him and not my own strategy, agenda, or comforts.  Our trials come in many circumstances, events, time periods, and are, of course, mostly unpredictable.  They don't always initially bring out the best in us or bring us to our knees right away.  Whatever difficulty that comes in our way as a family, from now on, will be seen as a time to see God's hand working in our lives, and not a time to huddle up and figure out our next move.  I know I have mentioned this earlier, but hopefully this whole experience is simply a way to teach our children God's perfect timing and that He has a plan for each of us.
  Well, I head to the doctor again this Friday.  Hopefully I will get a better idea of where baby is and how I am possibly progressing.  I am looking forward to a pool playdate tomorrow with a friend...it has actually been fun to make plans and I'm trying not to be so cautious about where I am...I really am letting go of that control (but there is a hospital within 10 min.).  I hope anyone reading this can take the time to check out the YouTube video of the song Blessings.  If you're going through a trial now, know prayer is essential, and even if God isn't answering in a way that fits your fancy, there are blessings in the raindrops and through your tears...His mercy and love endure.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4mmgV6mPvb0&NR=1,
Have a great rest of the week...love, Jill

What's Funny About This??

   I'm trying to keep my sense of humor about the fact that I layed around for 7 weeks afraid of doing too much of anything to keep this baby from "falling out" and now I'm doing everything I can to get this baby to come out, and he/she doesn't want to budge...what gives?  It is such a blessing in my mind at this point to know that I will get to hold this baby in my arms at the hospital and he/she will not likely be put in the NICU at this point.  The idea of normalcy is not far from being here...well, as normal as things will be with 4 kids under 5 1/2.   It is almost humorous how many myths we've tried to get this labor naturally induced, but baby seems settled and comfortable (for him/her at least!).  The doctor keeps reassuring me at least there is a due date and we know there will be an end...it's just not been soon enough.  I think if this were a "normal" pregnancy I could except any date they'd give me, but I considered myself well overdue last Friday;) 
   Today at the doctor, I did have a slight meltdown, which told me I might be losing it.  The nurse told me I had to do another test, which I knew I had already done at the hospital.  Unfortunately, the office and hospitals don't tend to share records with each other, which has been frustrating at times from the standpoint of having to be poked and prodded to repeat tests (and pay for them...praise God for insurance).  It was just frustrating.  It didn't take long to calm down though...I think I am slowly finding ways to smile and find the humor in all of this and realize that God's timing will be perfect and that I really can't change His plan. 
  I have been enjoying this beautiful weather and spending time outside with the kids and Cade.  We are looking forward to baby and anxiously awaiting his/her arrival and are exicted to you all to meet baby too!  Thanks for your prayers and continued support...now we're just praying baby will make his/her appearance soon!!

There and Back

   I hope everyone had a great holiday weekend with family.  Yesterday was a fun-filled with family, pool, and grilling out!  I had finally taken my mind off the baby and was trying to truly give in to the fact that this is God's plan and His timing...as much as I've wanted to believe that the whole time, it honestly hasn't been easy or what I've allowed myself to think.  Anyway, last night I noticed I felt very wet, and based on my experience when I had Brooklyn, I was thinking my water was leaking.  Our plan of action went into effect,  making necessary phone calls and heading into the hospital.  When we got there, the nurse gave discouraging news in my mind.  She was certain after a test and an exam, that it wasn't my water...and I was still dialated at a 5.  I have been have consistent contractions for several days and even last night, but at this point they haven't been strong enough to make cervical change.  At the hospital, the contractions were coming anywhere from 2-4 min. apart.  The doctor recommended that I stay the night, but I was not a fan!  I compromised (which he was not totally a fan of) and I stayed a couple hours and walked around and drank a lot of water...and still there was no change.  I chose to go home.  It was a late and long night, but in my own bed I was able to sleep (somewhat...too much water=many bathroom trips!).  And...no baby.
  In all honesty, I am ready for this journey to be over.  I know at this point it seems like I'm just a person who can't be satisfied...God probably feels the same way.  So many have said that I should just enjoy being pregnant and take in this time, but the in and out of the hospital has kind of sucked the fun out of this and I am ready to be done.  I don't know that I can expect anyone to understand that because I know God has blessed us repeatedly over the last 8 weeks, and probably almost to the time where this baby could have no NICU stay and come home with us.  I am happy. I am very happy to be home with our kids enjoying this beautiful weather and just taking them all in before there is one more.
    I want to enjoy feeling these last kicks and movements inside of me, knowing this will be over soon...but the uncertainty makes it difficult.  But I guess that's how life is...constantly uncertain, and we're never really sure where God is leading us and what He is teaching us.  Is He teaching me patience?  to trust?  to lean into Him and His knowledge and way and not my own?  The questions are mounting, but I'm not feeling the answers.  Am I being selfish?  Probably.  I seem to want and want now.  It's not fair.  These are the ridiculous thoughts I'm sure the enemy has me battling every day.  I'm sure you've battled these too at one point.  It was so nice this past weekend to finally be able to be at church.   I was finding a peace with God and realizing through the worship and reflecting on Joplin, that His timing IS perfect and I need to surrender to Him.  He has done such good over the past 8 weeks and I've overlooked that at times for my own gain...why does the enemy exist to cover our eyes to such things so we are only looking at ourselves?  This has really been my battle. 
   I hope through all of this and my transparency, you can still see my strength and belief in Him is still strong.  I'm simply being honest with the struggles I'm having.  I don't think we grow unless we realize our weaknesses and can overcome them through prayer and the experience of truly seeing God's plans in motion and knowing that the outcome was because it was all Him and not our own doing.  I know I will see that at the end of all of this, and I am seeing it now...for some reason I'm choosing to fight it.  I need to let go and let God.  I need to be an example of perseverance and joy to our children and show them the uncertainty is part of trusting that God always knows better than we do and we have to trust in in Him.  I hope one day I can openly share this journey with them as they travel through a difficult time, and they will have a living brother or sister, whom they will love, to know that very good things come from our trials.  

Freedom!!!!

   I've finally gotten what I wanted...freedom!  I was a little worried about going to the doctor yesterday morning...wondering about my fate and whether or not I'd have to spend another week on this couch!  Much to my delight, the doctor said that I was free to leave without restrictions and she just made sure we were sure of the fastest route to the hospital. 
   After we left the office, we did a grocery run...wow, it felt so good to shop.  I know Cade probably didn't find as much enjoyment in it as I did, but I relished walking down each and every isle even though our list only consisted of about 15 items.  It felt so good to feel normal.  Being pregnant allows you to be normal and not normal and no one asks questions.  After the store, I was pretty insistent that we stop at Wendy's for a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger...seriously people, that would never happen "normally" 1) because we rarely eat fast food (with the exception of the last 2 months) and 2) because I would know I'd have to run extra to get that burger off!  But, this is probably one of the last weeks to feel like I can eat whatever I want, and I took full advantage!
   When we got home, it wasn't but an hour later that Brooklyn and I went shopping.  She needed some more summer clothes and shoes, and it was a great excuse to spend some time with her and get some more walking in!  But by the end of that trip, I was exhausted.  The rest of the evening was pretty mild, but it was nice to help with showers, baths, and bedtime again...and I think the kids liked it too!
  I am looking forward to the weather being nice this weekend so we can have some good familiy time before baby does really come.  I am actually excited to spend some time cleaning today too so I feel like things are as ready as I can make then before baby comes.  At this point everyone's bags are packed, even the kids, so when baby comes we're all ready to go!  The doctor seemed certain it wouldn't take much of being "normal" to get this labor into motion, but after all of this, I don't know what God has in store?  I am trying not to be too anxious, but knowing we are in a very safe zone for the baby, I am really getting excited to meet this little one more than ever!
   I am also a little nervous about having a family of 6 the more I am pregnant and have time to think about it.  Cade and I both came from a family of 3 kids...I have no idea what dynamics a 4th child will bring.  I know the kids are ready for this, but how will this baby fit in with them?  who will he/she connect with most?  how will i deal with the jealousy that comes with another baby?  I am sure things will all fall into place, and not that I'm God, but he finds a way to love all of His children...and sure, sometimes I'm jealous of the circumstances He has given others, but His relationship with me is just ours and I know I am loved and find joy in life because of it. 
  Well, hopefully soon I will be able to blog about the birth of our baby and how he/she came into this world!

Living Here and Living Eternally

I haven't really felt too insightful lately, but Cade forwarded this to me from Rick Warren (author of The Purpose Driven Life)...I have tried to condense it, but it gave me some perspective regarding our circumstances.  Hopefully, if you are carrying a burden right now, regardless of how big or small, this can help you step back and see you are probably right where God wants you. 

   In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were not made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven.   One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body-- but not the end of me.  I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity..  We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense.
    Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one. The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort; God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy.
We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness.
   This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer. I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore.  Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life..
   No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on.
And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for.
You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems:   If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness, which is my problem, my issues, my pain.' But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others.
   We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her- It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people. 
   You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life. We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity?   Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)?
When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better. God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do.
That's why we're called human beings, not human doings.
Happy moments, PRAISE GOD.
Difficult moments, SEEK GOD.
Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD.
Painful moments, TRUST GOD.
Every moment, THANK GOD.. 

Yesterday was a rough day for me personally.  I think I was only focusing on the bad, the frustrations, and just feeling sorry for myself.  But through all of this, I have seen so much good, especially God using the Body of Christ as His hands and feet.  I have so much and so many people to be grateful for.  I have had to trust God more than anything to protect our children when we couldn't be there and to trust that He has the best timing set aside for this little baby to come into our world.  I thank Him and each of you for making these last 7 weeks a time to grow and a time for our family to lean into Him and the Christ-centered people He has put in our lives.  God bless you all!  Take care.   love, Jill

Could Be A Great Day!

Wow!  Ambien is such a beautiful drug!!  Although I only slept 5 1/2 hrs., they were solid and I feel so good!  Plus, I have a good feeling I will be going home today.  I "shrunk" back to 5 cm and have not really had any contractions.  Hopefully this is the last time I go home and hopefully the next time I come in, it's for real...I'm really starting to wonder if a baby actually exists....you too?
   Despite the fact that this pregnancy has been everything from "ideal", I still feel privelaged as a woman to carry a baby and give birth.  It is such a beautiful thing to know that this little body is forming inside of me and through my own strength (and that of God, of course!) I will push this baby out into the world.  The more babies I see here at the hospital and on TLC (Baby Story), the more I look forwad to holding this precious little life and giving him/her as a gift to our children and family.  Again, despite the labor pains and discomfort, I am so thankful that God gave the role of child-bearing to women!
   I wonder how men would handle pregnancy and birth?  Even though Cade is so supportive and great during pregnancy, I can't help but think about the crazy things that he, and probably most men, think about as they watch us over these 9 months, and how much of it they don't understand or would care to endure.  Like the fact that through each pregnancy I have craved particular things that I've asked him to pick up for dinner on his way home from work....over 4 pregnancies it's been anything from Captain Crunch cereal, Noble Romans breaksticks and cheese, Starbucks Mochas, York Peppermint Patties, Fountain Cokes, McDonald's cheeseburgers, etc...He has also probably not grown particularky fond of "Patty"...my green body pillow that lays in between us every night (well, during pregnancy!)...if he only really understood the need for this essential item for pregnant women's sleep!  When I woke up the other night in the middle of the night, I almost laughed to myself trying to imagine a guy sleeping in this little bed with Tocos strapped across their bellies, IV's stuck in their arm, sleeping with "disposable" pillows, and on top of it all, being put on Magnesium...it made me chuckle.   And finally, I think many guys would freak out the moment they started feeling the baby move inside them or roll across their tummy.  The idea of feeling a foot lodged in their rib and to actually touch it and push it down, would easily weird them out...hahahah!   I don't mention all of this as a criticism to men at all.  Cade has always been supportive and a trooper during pregnancy as well as all of my friends' husbands...they're all great!  But I think as supportive as they are, they don't always envy the things our bodies have to go through to bring life into the world.  I really actually love how I see and feel Cade grow more in love with me through pregnancy.  I know he really respects what I endure for the love of our family...and in our particular situation it makes me respect and fall more in love with him as he so graciously steps up to the plate and out of his comfort zone to do the "Mr. Mom" role as well as keep up with being dad and doing work stuff.  I think we can both say the growing pains and labor pains of marriage don't always have to be painful, but a time for a marriage to grow stronger and taller above the difficulties life throws our way.  It's a time to be challenged and grow in our weaknesses and really thank God for the strengths He's given us...and to be thankful that He has probably given us a spouse who fills in the gaps where we are weak and to see God's blessing from our spouse's gifts.  For anyone reading this who isn't married, these are the qualities of a man/woman you want on your "checklist".  Yes, you want to be physically attracted to a man/woman; you want to know that they will be fun to travel with; and that they are financially secure; but, really, if you are unequally yoked in your walk with Christ, getting through situations such as these, dismisses all of these other qualities...those qualities can't bring you through, and they don't allow true joy to shine through the foggy or dark times.  Ok, off my soapbox!
   Over the last several weeks, I have prayed at times wondering why I am going through this.  I have days of real frustration and days I have just felt plain 'ol sorry for myself.   You would think after 3 kids I would have perfected how to deal with these circumstances, but God continues to see weak areas where I require sharpening.  As much as I don't want to go dull, the sharpening can be long process, but I've realized, even after baby comes, I will just continue to be sharpened in another area.  I have had to realize He's never done with us, but a lot of times I only realize that when things aren't going my way...when I'm uncomfortable, when I'm angry, in pain, lonely, etc...., but even in the victories and joyous occasions, He's there refining us, reminding that all things and circumstances are because of Him...He is in control.
  Well, hopefully I'll be heading home later this morning.  I can't wait to come back sometime in the next week or two and it actually be the real deal!  I can't wait to introduce you all to this crazy little baby who can't seem to make up his/her mind.  I can't wait to meet him/her and hold him/her in my arms.  I'm also a little excited that we will be doing things a little differently this time around.  In the past, Cade and I have preferred for the two of us to be alone during the birth.  However, this past fall, I had the privelage to help one of my best friends with her home birth.  It was such a beautiful thing to actually see the baby be born (and it wasn't on TV).  My mom and sister have always wanted to see one of our babies be born, and we have agreed that this time we would let them (assuming everyone can get here on time!).   I will never forget my own experience of watching a birth and I hope I can give them such a gift as well...hopefully soon!
  

Really....Really?

The last couple days have been quite emotional.  It all started Thursday afternoon.  I was starting to have some contraction-type pain, but couldn't pinpoint exactly what was going on.  I prayed through the night that I could just make it to Friday because I already had a scheduled appt.  At my appt. Friday I got sent over to Labor and Delivery here at IU West.  I'm pretty sure I should get frequent flyer points for being here and should automatically get upgraded to the best suite...I mean, I had just gotten discharged on Tuesday!  So, the doctor on call started me on a lower dose of mag.  After about 3 hrs. it didn't seem to be doing much as my contractions were still coming pretty strong and close together.  The doctor then wanted to up the mag, which I was not in favor of.  After a lot of tears, I finally agreed to enter the mag coma again.  Later yesterday evening I was still having contractions and the doc said my cervix felt like it changed, so we agreed to just let nature take its course.  Well, as much as I know it is best for baby to stay inside longer, I was really excited to think that baby could be coming soon.  Well, after I went off the mag, the contractions seem to totally subside and I went to bed having very few contractions and went the whole night that way.  This morning a new doctor on call came in to check me and said my cervix hadn't changed.  That definitely gave me a mix of emotions.   I know it is best for the baby, but it only made me wonder what it will take and how long will it take for contractions to pick back up for baby to come out?  To think that I will be spending another week or more in the hospital, missing our kids, finding places for them to go, the stress of being so far along but not needing/wanting Cade to miss work and spend every moment feeling he needs to be here for this to happen...it's all a little much.  It's hard when I call home and I hear the kids crying in the background over something I feel I could fix or make better.  You'd think we'd be experts at handling this by now!  I don't know that anything could ever prepare a woman who is CEO of her household to handle this...moms should have a backup plan, I guess, but I just didn't have time to write the manual!  Fortunately, Cade has done an incredible job of stepping up to the plate and filling the roles for both of us, but I know he's tired.  We're both tired in different ways from different things, but it's just taking it's toll.  I know I've mentioned this before, but I don't know how people do this without the strength of the Lord to lean into, or just to hold the foundation of their marriage together.   
   At this point today I feel like I'm doing much better.  Although there is still the unknown, I'm seeing a glimpse of light.  I'm glad I'm at IU West, my nurses have been great, the food is better (than downtown anyway), and I have my own doctor on call this weekend.  I am so thankful my sister Amy came in town again this weekend to help out at home.  It just gives us a safety net if Cade has to leave last minute or through the night.
  God has been so good and faithful through all of this.  I have really missed attending worship services at church, so I've been watching Aaron preach online.  It gives me some connection.  I am also so grateful for the friends who continue to send encouraging words and scripture.  I know He is here with me, and I know I just need to fully surrender at this point and give it ALL over to Him.  Maybe He's wondering if I've fully learned what He has wanted me to.  I continue to pray that I give over all of that control and know that it is all in His timing, not mine!
  Looking forward to dinner with Cade and kids up here tonight!  Miss them!

I Know It's Not More Than I Can Handle

   Between yesterday and this morning, I'm feeling really overwhelmed with emotion.  Honestly, I'm just tired of this.  It's so hard to not help put the kids to bed, do chores and cleaning around the house, and simple grocery shopping (along with a million other things).  I know some of you moms that might be reading this might think that not having to do those things sound like a great vacation, and it would be if I was in Florida for a week, but not when I'm having to sit around and watch it around me.  It breaks my heart that our kids are so confused and don't understand all of this (even though I doubt they will remember much a year from now), and although he hasn't complained, Cade is juggling  a lot and is completely exhausted by the time the kids go to bed. 
   Sometimes I think this would be a little more bearable if the weather would brighten up.  I know last week when I came home, and through most of the weekend, it was such a blessing that is was dry and sunny!  The kids were so happy playing outside in the water and riding bikes.  And it was nice to be outside again on the back porch with my neighbor friends (oh, and the best neighbors ever!).   I guess I know that kind of weather is right around the corner and sooner than later, I'll be begging for fall (I know, we're never satisfied!). 
   On a more positive note, through all of this, we are so grateful for many people and things, but especially for our church family.  We really do feel like our church body is an extension of our family.  So many people have been sending emails and cards, many of the staff has done meals over the last month, and a life group from church even put together some fun bags for the kids!   I have also had a great handful of church friends come up to the hospital and visit (and bringing all kinds of goodies!).  I honestly don't know what or how people get through difficult times without Christ or without the Body that surrounds them.  I get so much strength and encouragement from their faith, especially when I feel like I'm losing hope that there will actually be an end to this.  I think something I've really been missing in the last 6 weeks has been actually attending church.  I have been watching the sermons online (so grateful for technology), but I miss that time to get the full worship experience.  I will be so happy to get back to church...it is something that really feeds me each week, and I think that lack of nourishment has made me a little weak (but I know when we're not getting the "full meal" we might need to supplement, and I can't say I've felt like I've done a good job of that). 
   Sorry this post wasn't so positive, but today's a day when I really just needed to be real and transparent.  This is hard and it's starting to wear on me.  I know with God's strength I can make it through this last little stretch, and in a matter of weeks, I will be begging for time to just lay on the couch and not have a house to clean.  I know this has taught me to appreciate the things I have, the people in my life, and the little things I am ABLE to do.  I'm really going to try to pull myself out of this slump and make the most of this time to rest and spend small moments with our kids. 
  Well, hopefully today will bring some sunshine...if not outside, at least inside of me.  I have a friend coming over to hang out and help today, so I'm sure that will help.  Thanks for continued reminders of your support, love, and encouragement.

Back Again!

   Well, we made it through the weekend, only to end with us back in the hospital.  I felt with the weather being nice, I could not have asked for a better time at home before I had to come back to "prison"...it was good time out!  Luckily I was able to come back to IU West where now I know I will deliver baby when he/she is ready!   I sitll think I am another week or so away from that happening.  Last night when I came in, I was having contractions 2 min. apart and had dialated up to about 4 at that point.  I was immediately put on the Mag., but since it did it's job through the night, I was taken off of it and have been on turbutaline today and have been resting.  If contractions don't come back, I'm hoping to go home on the meds sometime tomorrow or Wed. morning!  Then, hopefully the next time I have to come back here, I will actually deliver a baby!  I was telling someone this morning, that at this point I feel like I have a disease.   I feel like the idea of actually having the baby at this point seems a little foreign...will he or she ever come one of these times??  I know there is light at the end of the tunnel, but the longer and more time I spend in the hospital, I just wonder when and where that light is?
   During this time, I have repeatedly said how thankful I am for everyone who has helped us...from meals, helping with the kids, to prayer and just words of enouragement and support.  I know at this point some of you are just as tired of all of this as we are.  We really do promise a baby is coming!!  I know Cade and I are both so thankful for the help we have received from our families.  For the last 3-4 weeks, Cade's parents have kept the kids overnight at least once during the week. I appreciate their selflessness and willlingness to do whatever we have needed.  The kids really love being there...well, except Savannah, who lately refuses to go.  I think this has been a lot for her.  I asked her why she didn't want to go to GiGi and PaPa's and she said, "Bugs."  Well, they do live in the country, but we have bugs at our house too, so I don't know what her deal is?  Brooklyn does have a little bug phobia, made very apparent this spring, which I think she given to her sister!    Sidenote:  sometimes I do take advantage of her fear...like last week she kept taking our inside toys outside, but then didn't want to help clean up and bring them back in...I told her the bugs would eat them all up if she didn't...worked like a charm (I know, I'm bad!)  We've decided not to force her to go at this point, as my mom has been so willing to watch her, and it probably gives Brooklyn and Camden more one-on-one attention anyway (and Savannah too).   My mom has been really great giving up a lot of her time to help so much with the kids.  She takes them to the pet store, the library, in the hot tub, etc....all the little things they love.  I know they just love being with GoGo, and if we go a day without GoGo, I have to explain to them that GoGo needs a break sometimes!  It's such a blessing as a daughter to see that even though we didn't see our parents as perfect all the time growing up, as we battled through different kinds of rebellion with them, that we can have such a different perspective and have such joy as we watch our children love them and go crazy over them.  It really has been so much easier when I've been in the hospital to know when our children are with our parents (and friends) that are being loved on and taken care of so well.
  Well, hopefully tomorrow will bring a car ride home.  I feel like this past weekend brought a lot of great final family time.  I hope that I can just really stick it out on that couch and make it another week or two.  I think the kids are really starting to wonder if there is really a baby in there?  They all think and want a boy, but my heart and mind has said girl from the beginning so we'll see.  I hope they can just be excited to see this little one and love on him/her.  I have seen our kids with a lot of babies lately and I know they will do great.  Camden, esp. seems to have a heart for babies...he loves to take the time to hold them.  I am not sure if many of you know/realize that all of our kids have East Coast city names.  I will not reveal whether we have decided to stick with our (unintentional from the beginning) theme, but I am really excited to give this baby a name and share him/her with all of you.  Take care and have a great evening!