There and Back

   I hope everyone had a great holiday weekend with family.  Yesterday was a fun-filled with family, pool, and grilling out!  I had finally taken my mind off the baby and was trying to truly give in to the fact that this is God's plan and His timing...as much as I've wanted to believe that the whole time, it honestly hasn't been easy or what I've allowed myself to think.  Anyway, last night I noticed I felt very wet, and based on my experience when I had Brooklyn, I was thinking my water was leaking.  Our plan of action went into effect,  making necessary phone calls and heading into the hospital.  When we got there, the nurse gave discouraging news in my mind.  She was certain after a test and an exam, that it wasn't my water...and I was still dialated at a 5.  I have been have consistent contractions for several days and even last night, but at this point they haven't been strong enough to make cervical change.  At the hospital, the contractions were coming anywhere from 2-4 min. apart.  The doctor recommended that I stay the night, but I was not a fan!  I compromised (which he was not totally a fan of) and I stayed a couple hours and walked around and drank a lot of water...and still there was no change.  I chose to go home.  It was a late and long night, but in my own bed I was able to sleep (somewhat...too much water=many bathroom trips!).  And...no baby.
  In all honesty, I am ready for this journey to be over.  I know at this point it seems like I'm just a person who can't be satisfied...God probably feels the same way.  So many have said that I should just enjoy being pregnant and take in this time, but the in and out of the hospital has kind of sucked the fun out of this and I am ready to be done.  I don't know that I can expect anyone to understand that because I know God has blessed us repeatedly over the last 8 weeks, and probably almost to the time where this baby could have no NICU stay and come home with us.  I am happy. I am very happy to be home with our kids enjoying this beautiful weather and just taking them all in before there is one more.
    I want to enjoy feeling these last kicks and movements inside of me, knowing this will be over soon...but the uncertainty makes it difficult.  But I guess that's how life is...constantly uncertain, and we're never really sure where God is leading us and what He is teaching us.  Is He teaching me patience?  to trust?  to lean into Him and His knowledge and way and not my own?  The questions are mounting, but I'm not feeling the answers.  Am I being selfish?  Probably.  I seem to want and want now.  It's not fair.  These are the ridiculous thoughts I'm sure the enemy has me battling every day.  I'm sure you've battled these too at one point.  It was so nice this past weekend to finally be able to be at church.   I was finding a peace with God and realizing through the worship and reflecting on Joplin, that His timing IS perfect and I need to surrender to Him.  He has done such good over the past 8 weeks and I've overlooked that at times for my own gain...why does the enemy exist to cover our eyes to such things so we are only looking at ourselves?  This has really been my battle. 
   I hope through all of this and my transparency, you can still see my strength and belief in Him is still strong.  I'm simply being honest with the struggles I'm having.  I don't think we grow unless we realize our weaknesses and can overcome them through prayer and the experience of truly seeing God's plans in motion and knowing that the outcome was because it was all Him and not our own doing.  I know I will see that at the end of all of this, and I am seeing it now...for some reason I'm choosing to fight it.  I need to let go and let God.  I need to be an example of perseverance and joy to our children and show them the uncertainty is part of trusting that God always knows better than we do and we have to trust in in Him.  I hope one day I can openly share this journey with them as they travel through a difficult time, and they will have a living brother or sister, whom they will love, to know that very good things come from our trials.