Where You Go, I'll Go

Wow, I just love listening to Chris Tomlin's worship lately, and the kids love it too!  It's nice to that they enjoy listening to something other than "kid music" sometimes, and that they are actually learning the words.  It also makes for great discussion when I can talk to them about what God is asking of us and how we can honor, worship, and obey Him.

I feel like it's been forever since I've blogged, and it's mostly because this has been a very emotionally draining month.  I wish I could jump on the blog every time my kids make me smile or laugh because that happens daily and is more fun to share, but the last couple weeks have taken a toll on me and many lessons have been learned.  Needless to say, God has had something up his sleeve for me this year, and as we near the end of 2011, I'm slowly catching on:)  

For those of you who don't know, our kids call my mom GoGo...for good reason!  She is always on the move...staying busy with work, helping out with our kids, working out...whatever she's doing, she's always moving!  I'm not sure if it's a great quality all of the time, but I (un?)fortunately have inherited this inability to sit still (unless I'm blogging, of course).  Over the years, I thought this magnificent skill to juggle kids, activities, serving in church, friends, etc...,  was what made me worth something.  If I wasn't feeling productive, I wasn't being "the best I can be" (which is also a famous quote from GoGo...and the Army?).  Anyway, last week I was able to attend MomsNext (like MOPS), and the speaker spoke about solitude.  God knew I needed to be there.  I have basically been struggling this month with God over His desire for me to slow down.  It's great to serve and lead, but I am recognizing that needs to come first in our home.  I have loved homeschooling and I see the potential it has for our children and to be able to teach them about Him, and right now, that's playing second fiddle.  God knew I needed to hear this talk.

Solitude is something I need and have always admired in women who create time for it.   I can't always get solitude with 4 kiddos, but I know I need a slower pace.  I need time to be with Him.  Time to build my relationship so that I can have the strength, love, patience, and passion for the children He has given me to care for...so I can be a reflection of Him for them, so that they might know Him.  In all my busyness, I'm not sure that's what they're seeing.  They may see a Mommy who is serving a church, but they also see the impatient Mommy that hurries them along to get in the van to get there.  One piece of advice from a Mentor Mom that I hear every day in my head is to be the same person at home to your children as you are in front of everyone else.  I am not always living to that standard.  I know a slower pace and setting up some boundaries will be difficult, but long-term, I know this is what is best.  And I also know this is just a season...and seasons are temporary, but necessary.  They allow things/people to grow in order to be ready for the next season....I think God is calling me to a season to be more still and know Him.  Maybe He needs me for something BIG, so He needs me to come out of the game, sit on the bench, and take a breather to brush up on His gameplan.

Another area I have been struggling with this month is my ability to continue to believe I'm a good mom.  I think when we see our children struggle in certain areas, whether it be physical skills, lack of spiritual growth, friendships, etc...we tend to blame ourselves.  It's been tough not to feel like a failure.  When my kids forget to say "please" and "thank you" , are fighting with each other, or disobey, I wonder how I will fix it?  Recently, Aaron (our pastor), spoke about no longer praying for our children just to know who Jesus is and all of "the facts" but to have the Holy Spirit take hold of them.  I have been praying this prayer.  I know I can't fix my children.  I know I can't make them have a relationship with Jesus.  And I know that their growing pains are an opportunity for me to teach them, love them, and point them to Him.  It's hard not to feel like a bad mom at the end of the day when all I've done is give time-out, give correction, or repeat myself 800 times, getting louder each time.  Now, surely in the midst of that there are some good laughs, but by bedtime, I feel like our kids have only seen the Sergeant in me.  I want so bad for them to get "it" (whatever "it" may be for the day), and I really feel like I am sacrificing the emotional and spiritual for the behavioral...my priorities have got to change here....are you there too?

Camden's favorite Chris Tomlin song is "Where You Go, I'll Go"....the other day in the van, I really listened to these words.  I wondered how much of my life I'm trying to control and not really giving it all away to Him and for Him.  For so long, I have found my worth in doing the things of this world,  sometimes even in ministry, and having the I-can-do-it-all mentality.  But I've come to realize, at the end of the day, if I'm not obeying God, it doesn't matter how much I do, and God is the only superhero!  I know He's calling me somewhere, and He's taken me down quite a road these last 6-8 months for me to finally realize that I've known the answer all along and it's simply obedience.  He wants me to follow Him.  To forget about what the world sees as admirable (and what I believed was admirable), and simply obey, and for me, that means that I need to just be with Him.  

I apologize for my transparency today.  I needed to write this out, and it just seems to be easier to type on the blog than to paper/pencil journal.  God has really worked me over this month.  I'm still laughing...Cade makes me laugh and so do the kids, but I feel different.  It's been a long time since I've truly felt the Holy Spirit take hold of me like this.  When we decided I would stay home with Brooklyn 6 years ago, I know the Holy Spirit was working in that...I truly felt his presence.  It's been chilling to me how much I've felt many of those feelings again recently, so I know He is moving in me, and I've been convicted in how I should respond.  Please pray for me and that the discernment I need is clear.  Thanks and love!