Love...What a Beautiful Gift

   God has graciously given us the gift of love.  We often use the word love so loosely...like I love McDonald's Cokes, cookies, summertime, friends, etc...  But, love should not be used so casually when speaking about the people in our lives He has blessed us with.  Since 1997, I knew I loved Cade.  There was just something about this guy that fulfilled all I was looking for in a husband...and if we're being honest, he didn't and couldn't match up to everything, but all of who he was, was enough for me!  And 10 years ago today we were married!!  There is nothing better than marrying someone who grew to be your best friend...and continues to be that same best friend to this very day.

   I could fill pages about our relationship and the strength is has gained over these past 10 years.  We've had trials like any other couple.  We've made life-changing decisions, career decisions, family decisions, etc...together.  We laugh often and still tell each other jokes.  We confide in one another and become vulnerable when it comes to sharing our own insecurities.  We watch our kids and then look at each other in smile...I think both knowing "we created these beautiful people" (well, they're beautiful in those moments...the other times we look at each other I think we're thinking "why did we create these people?" ...just kidding!)

   A lot of other couples do these things and have these feelings too, but through all of it, what makes it most satisfying is that we have found faith, hope, and joy because we have Jesus as our foundation.  We've celebrated and struggled but always knew He was there with us.  Without this faith in Christ we could have traveled through dark, scary alleys instead of just falling in a small pothole.  Marriage is wonderful, but it's not easy and something to be worked on and through everyday.

  I love Cade more and more each day.  It's a gift to know him, a gift to be with him, and an even greater gift to know I get to spend the rest of my life with him!  Love you babe!

June vs. Jill

  So, last night I was having a June Cleaver moment as I baked my cookies...well, the more I think about it, it wasn't like June Cleaver would have experienced at all!  I didn't wear an apron, rather, the sweat pouring from my brow, from not just baking cookies, but the 20 other things I was doing as well.  I don't think the Beaver or Wally stood in line asking for chunks of cookie dough as a little treat, and I never saw June wearing a Baby Bjorn in any episode while baking either?  Yes, June was a great mother, so well-tempered and self-controlled, and always seemed organized and put-together, and I often look around and see "June Cleavers" at church, in the grocery store, the library, etc...buuuuuuuutttt, that's a far cry from what I experience day-to-day as a mom of four.  I've realized I'm putting these other women on a pedestal (and am sinfully jealous), and trying to be that woman instead of who God made me...hot mess and all!  So, over the course of this week, I have been laughing to myself about the things that happen and I realize it's because I'm a mom, and there's just craziness that comes with it!  These aren't always things I'm proud of (by any means), or things I'd choose to converse about over a nice dinner with friends I'm trying to impress, but just things a mom, or anyone who knows a mom well, would understand.  So, here's my list of reasons I know I'm a mom (in no particular order!):

1.  As I've been trying to REALLY organize the house AGAIN to get ready for homeschooling, I've realized that some people have "junk drawers", but I have junk drawers, a junk closet, and just junk EVERYWHERE!

2.  I've started working out again in the last couple weeks.  I've realized I am the lady in the Goodwill commercial who will never fit into many of my clothes again.  I mean, baby #3 took me over the edge, and well, this baby #4 just killed my body!

3.  Speaking of working out, can any mom really do such a thing anymore without wetting herself just a little?  Not to mention sneeze, cough, or be startled suddenly?

4.  This week I was trying to get a lot accomplished without much success (imagine that?).  Last night I found myself making a "to do" list of things I'd already done just so I could cross things off and feel like I did something this week!

5.  I love listening to my music and singing in the van (by myself!).  However, there is nothing more wasteful in the sense of that time than when I find myself riding in the van (by myself), and for the first 15 minutes, listening to children's music and singing along....ahhhh!

6.  I have to admit....there is something sad about yelling at your kids to stop yelling!!

7.  I try to put in place a lot of "systems", routines, new rules, etc... that only last a day or two...it's hard to find order and consistency in motherhood...still working on it!

8.  My kids sometimes (ok, more than sometimes) don't eat fruits and veggies at every meal and sometimes (ok, lots of times) I feel like a made-to-order cook.  This is something I'm definitely wanting to work on, and for this reason,  it makes dinnertime one of my least favorite times of the day (when it should be one of the most valued).  With all of the kids at their ages (which shouldn't be an excuse, I know), I sometimes feel like we're even eating in shifts (but, honestly, we do almost always eat together as a family every night).  Mealtime is definitely something we're working on in our house.

9.  On the contrary, one of my favorite moments of the day is bedtime...not actually the kids bedtime, but my bedtime.  I love looking in on the kids and seeing them sleeping peacefully.  And honestly, it's not always because they're sleeping peacefully, but simply because they're ASLEEP and it's peaceful!!

10.  I struggle every day to know if  I'm doing a good job and the right things for my family.  Am I showing them Christ's love through my words and actions...am I an example to them?  Am I spending enough time with them as a group or one-on-one?  Do they know they're loved for who they are or am I making them feel like they're not good enough?  Am I making a safe environment for them--to speak to me and share their thoughts and fears?  I think these are the thoughts that make me a mom more than anything...the thoughts that run through my mind (from Satan, of course) that make me doubt that God gave me this family because He knew I could do it...He knew I could love them and care for them as He would (ok, ok, He would do a much better job, and surely wouldn't wet His pants, but you get it). 

  Looking forward to a new week full of hope... hope that I can work on each of these things, but still find joy in the valleys and in all the work God has set before me.  More than anything, through my family and in this work, I am finding the rough patches in my own life...the things that are holding me back from being the mom, wife, and woman God desires me to be.  But, each day I get a new chance to make better decisions for Him and in Him.  Praise Him!

It's Been Going...

   Well, it's been way to long since my last post!   I've actually attempted to start this blog entry a couple times, but get interrupted, and by the time I get another opportunity, a few days have passed and the deep thought I had has turned into a mist...as do most thoughts these days...last week @ church someone asked me Ellie's middle name, and I couldn't even tell them until after a good minute!!   Finding some quiet time is rare these days and I've actually been using any of that time I have to read...I feel like I've been reading a lot lately...and reading for ME, not how to be a better mom or better at anything for that matter, but just books that are inspiring me, and, in turn, are hopefully making me a better wife, mom, and woman of God.  I am currently reading a book called Cold Tangerines.  I've enjoyed this book so much and I would say it's one of my favorites!  I feel that the author writes similar to my style of writing, which has made my wheels turn as to what God has over the horizon for me.  Writing has always been a passion of mine and one of the main reasons for my degree in English in my undergrad, but I've always found it hard to paper and pencil journal, yet blogging seems to have caught me this time and hopefully I can keep up with it.  Books ideas are always spinning, but I still don't have the confidence that I have enough of anything to share.  Being in the hospital, blogging seemed to have allowed me to be transparent and really share the good, the bad, and the very ugly parts of me...but as I also shared, it's allowed me to dive deeper into myself and realize the parts of me that need to be worked on and grow in this journey of motherhood.  I've realized my selfish tendencies, my maternal instinct to protect, and the importance of a strong and healthy marriage with a dose of good girlfriend nights at Starbucks!
   Ellie is now 5 weeks old and about 8 lbs.  She is such a sweet baby and very good.  The kids have done really well with her and can't walk past her without touching her or kissing on her...they love her, and I can't wait until she can join in their little "gang"...although I can wait on one more kiddo to have to referee!   I feel like I'm doing really well so far in balancing everything and keeping my sanity.  I suffered from post-partum anxiety with the other three, but this time around has been different for some reason...whatever the reason, I am grateful.  Post-partum is nothing I have ever been ashamed of, and I try to tell other women they shouldn't either.  We're wearing a lot of hats as moms and balancing it all can sometimes be a little overwhelming.
  Over the course of the last couple weeks, I've talked with a few mom friends that I'm still getting to know.  I always feel refreshed and normalized after meeting with other moms.  I realize I'm not the only one who is particular about the small things.  For example, my dear husband was so willing to put the sheets on the kids' beds as I was feeding Ellie and the other kids were heading to bed.  When I went in to check on Camden as I was finally going to bed at 1am with Ellie, I noticed that the characters on his bed were upside down...ahhhhh!!  I've really tried to let go of these little things, but  I very much wanted to pull Camden out of bed and fix them!  You will be proud of me to know that I didn't, but it took me awhile to make myself fall asleep and forget about the sheets.  I did, however, fix them the next morning, and calmly explained to Cade, in the most gracious way, as to how to put on the sheets...he laughed at my craziness and offered to get me some counseling (btw, we were both laughing!). 
  I've also talked with a mom who has only made me more passionate about my role in MOPS.  So many moms, including myself, just aren't feeling great about themselves.  The guilt piles up all day long when we're dealing with little ones and we just never feel good enough to meet all their needs...and often they let us know that...regardless of how irrational that need is!  For instance, the other night we let them stay up a little longer and watch Wipeout.  I came downstairs at about 8:02 and turned it on.  Brooklyn came down at 8:03 and seems to think  I can rewind time, or that her life is over because she missed two minutes of the show...does she not understand we don't have DVR and that it's not the end of the world?  No, she stomps to the couch and pouts, blaming me (of course, THE MOM) that she missed someone falling into goop!  Sometimes if I'm grumpy at the end of the day, I look back at the day and realize that all I've said is "No", "don't do that!", "ok, you need to sit here for timeout", etc...everything seems negative.  We are home to build our children up, and I know we are, but the times we have to discipline and correct, often make our hearts heavy.  I love being a part of MOPS and being able to talk and create an environment that encourages moms.  I love being a mom.  I love other moms and want them to see the importance of their role as mom even in the midst of 5 yr. old demands and attitude, 4 yr. old whining, 2 yr. old ornryness, and a crying newborn (ok, well, that's where I'm at!).  We are all in this together (HS Musical reference),  and we need each other to feel normal, encouraged, and to lean on.
   It's with a happy heart that I know I'm in His plan and not my own.  I know my time here is limited and I'm looking for ways to make an impact on my children.  Right now, with some neighbor girlfriends, I'm study How to be a Woman of Excellence.  I'm really being convicted as to how to grow as a mom, wife, and woman.  It's so hard...I mess up every day...but the good news is that He loves us,  He forgives us, and their is HOPE that comes with each day.  I'm trying, as I'm sure many of you are, to be better FOR Him and IN Him.  In thanks to many of you for the prayers I have coveted for the last few months, I am now praying for you...you moms (and dads if any guys are really reading this) that are struggling right now to know how God is using you and what He desires for you.  Please feel free to email me or FB me and let me know how I can be specifically praying for your needs.  Love you all!