I hope everyone had a great holiday weekend with family. Yesterday was a fun-filled with family, pool, and grilling out! I had finally taken my mind off the baby and was trying to truly give in to the fact that this is God's plan and His timing...as much as I've wanted to believe that the whole time, it honestly hasn't been easy or what I've allowed myself to think. Anyway, last night I noticed I felt very wet, and based on my experience when I had Brooklyn, I was thinking my water was leaking. Our plan of action went into effect, making necessary phone calls and heading into the hospital. When we got there, the nurse gave discouraging news in my mind. She was certain after a test and an exam, that it wasn't my water...and I was still dialated at a 5. I have been have consistent contractions for several days and even last night, but at this point they haven't been strong enough to make cervical change. At the hospital, the contractions were coming anywhere from 2-4 min. apart. The doctor recommended that I stay the night, but I was not a fan! I compromised (which he was not totally a fan of) and I stayed a couple hours and walked around and drank a lot of water...and still there was no change. I chose to go home. It was a late and long night, but in my own bed I was able to sleep (somewhat...too much water=many bathroom trips!). And...no baby.
In all honesty, I am ready for this journey to be over. I know at this point it seems like I'm just a person who can't be satisfied...God probably feels the same way. So many have said that I should just enjoy being pregnant and take in this time, but the in and out of the hospital has kind of sucked the fun out of this and I am ready to be done. I don't know that I can expect anyone to understand that because I know God has blessed us repeatedly over the last 8 weeks, and probably almost to the time where this baby could have no NICU stay and come home with us. I am happy. I am very happy to be home with our kids enjoying this beautiful weather and just taking them all in before there is one more.
I want to enjoy feeling these last kicks and movements inside of me, knowing this will be over soon...but the uncertainty makes it difficult. But I guess that's how life is...constantly uncertain, and we're never really sure where God is leading us and what He is teaching us. Is He teaching me patience? to trust? to lean into Him and His knowledge and way and not my own? The questions are mounting, but I'm not feeling the answers. Am I being selfish? Probably. I seem to want and want now. It's not fair. These are the ridiculous thoughts I'm sure the enemy has me battling every day. I'm sure you've battled these too at one point. It was so nice this past weekend to finally be able to be at church. I was finding a peace with God and realizing through the worship and reflecting on Joplin, that His timing IS perfect and I need to surrender to Him. He has done such good over the past 8 weeks and I've overlooked that at times for my own gain...why does the enemy exist to cover our eyes to such things so we are only looking at ourselves? This has really been my battle.
I hope through all of this and my transparency, you can still see my strength and belief in Him is still strong. I'm simply being honest with the struggles I'm having. I don't think we grow unless we realize our weaknesses and can overcome them through prayer and the experience of truly seeing God's plans in motion and knowing that the outcome was because it was all Him and not our own doing. I know I will see that at the end of all of this, and I am seeing it now...for some reason I'm choosing to fight it. I need to let go and let God. I need to be an example of perseverance and joy to our children and show them the uncertainty is part of trusting that God always knows better than we do and we have to trust in in Him. I hope one day I can openly share this journey with them as they travel through a difficult time, and they will have a living brother or sister, whom they will love, to know that very good things come from our trials.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Freedom!!!!
I've finally gotten what I wanted...freedom! I was a little worried about going to the doctor yesterday morning...wondering about my fate and whether or not I'd have to spend another week on this couch! Much to my delight, the doctor said that I was free to leave without restrictions and she just made sure we were sure of the fastest route to the hospital.
After we left the office, we did a grocery run...wow, it felt so good to shop. I know Cade probably didn't find as much enjoyment in it as I did, but I relished walking down each and every isle even though our list only consisted of about 15 items. It felt so good to feel normal. Being pregnant allows you to be normal and not normal and no one asks questions. After the store, I was pretty insistent that we stop at Wendy's for a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger...seriously people, that would never happen "normally" 1) because we rarely eat fast food (with the exception of the last 2 months) and 2) because I would know I'd have to run extra to get that burger off! But, this is probably one of the last weeks to feel like I can eat whatever I want, and I took full advantage!
When we got home, it wasn't but an hour later that Brooklyn and I went shopping. She needed some more summer clothes and shoes, and it was a great excuse to spend some time with her and get some more walking in! But by the end of that trip, I was exhausted. The rest of the evening was pretty mild, but it was nice to help with showers, baths, and bedtime again...and I think the kids liked it too!
I am looking forward to the weather being nice this weekend so we can have some good familiy time before baby does really come. I am actually excited to spend some time cleaning today too so I feel like things are as ready as I can make then before baby comes. At this point everyone's bags are packed, even the kids, so when baby comes we're all ready to go! The doctor seemed certain it wouldn't take much of being "normal" to get this labor into motion, but after all of this, I don't know what God has in store? I am trying not to be too anxious, but knowing we are in a very safe zone for the baby, I am really getting excited to meet this little one more than ever!
I am also a little nervous about having a family of 6 the more I am pregnant and have time to think about it. Cade and I both came from a family of 3 kids...I have no idea what dynamics a 4th child will bring. I know the kids are ready for this, but how will this baby fit in with them? who will he/she connect with most? how will i deal with the jealousy that comes with another baby? I am sure things will all fall into place, and not that I'm God, but he finds a way to love all of His children...and sure, sometimes I'm jealous of the circumstances He has given others, but His relationship with me is just ours and I know I am loved and find joy in life because of it.
Well, hopefully soon I will be able to blog about the birth of our baby and how he/she came into this world!
After we left the office, we did a grocery run...wow, it felt so good to shop. I know Cade probably didn't find as much enjoyment in it as I did, but I relished walking down each and every isle even though our list only consisted of about 15 items. It felt so good to feel normal. Being pregnant allows you to be normal and not normal and no one asks questions. After the store, I was pretty insistent that we stop at Wendy's for a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger...seriously people, that would never happen "normally" 1) because we rarely eat fast food (with the exception of the last 2 months) and 2) because I would know I'd have to run extra to get that burger off! But, this is probably one of the last weeks to feel like I can eat whatever I want, and I took full advantage!
When we got home, it wasn't but an hour later that Brooklyn and I went shopping. She needed some more summer clothes and shoes, and it was a great excuse to spend some time with her and get some more walking in! But by the end of that trip, I was exhausted. The rest of the evening was pretty mild, but it was nice to help with showers, baths, and bedtime again...and I think the kids liked it too!
I am looking forward to the weather being nice this weekend so we can have some good familiy time before baby does really come. I am actually excited to spend some time cleaning today too so I feel like things are as ready as I can make then before baby comes. At this point everyone's bags are packed, even the kids, so when baby comes we're all ready to go! The doctor seemed certain it wouldn't take much of being "normal" to get this labor into motion, but after all of this, I don't know what God has in store? I am trying not to be too anxious, but knowing we are in a very safe zone for the baby, I am really getting excited to meet this little one more than ever!
I am also a little nervous about having a family of 6 the more I am pregnant and have time to think about it. Cade and I both came from a family of 3 kids...I have no idea what dynamics a 4th child will bring. I know the kids are ready for this, but how will this baby fit in with them? who will he/she connect with most? how will i deal with the jealousy that comes with another baby? I am sure things will all fall into place, and not that I'm God, but he finds a way to love all of His children...and sure, sometimes I'm jealous of the circumstances He has given others, but His relationship with me is just ours and I know I am loved and find joy in life because of it.
Well, hopefully soon I will be able to blog about the birth of our baby and how he/she came into this world!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Living Here and Living Eternally
I haven't really felt too insightful lately, but Cade forwarded this to me from Rick Warren (author of The Purpose Driven Life)...I have tried to condense it, but it gave me some perspective regarding our circumstances. Hopefully, if you are carrying a burden right now, regardless of how big or small, this can help you step back and see you are probably right where God wants you.
In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were not made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven. One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body-- but not the end of me. I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity.. We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense.
Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one. The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort; God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy.
We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness.
This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer. I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore. Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life..
No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on.
And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for.
You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems: If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness, which is my problem, my issues, my pain.' But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others.
We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her- It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people.
You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life. We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity? Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)?
When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better. God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do.
That's why we're called human beings, not human doings.
Happy moments, PRAISE GOD.
Difficult moments, SEEK GOD.
Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD.
Painful moments, TRUST GOD.
Every moment, THANK GOD..
Yesterday was a rough day for me personally. I think I was only focusing on the bad, the frustrations, and just feeling sorry for myself. But through all of this, I have seen so much good, especially God using the Body of Christ as His hands and feet. I have so much and so many people to be grateful for. I have had to trust God more than anything to protect our children when we couldn't be there and to trust that He has the best timing set aside for this little baby to come into our world. I thank Him and each of you for making these last 7 weeks a time to grow and a time for our family to lean into Him and the Christ-centered people He has put in our lives. God bless you all! Take care. love, Jill
In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were not made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven. One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body-- but not the end of me. I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity.. We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense.
Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one. The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort; God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy.
We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness.
This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer. I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore. Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life..
No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on.
And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for.
You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems: If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness, which is my problem, my issues, my pain.' But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others.
We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her- It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people.
You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life. We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity? Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)?
When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better. God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do.
That's why we're called human beings, not human doings.
Happy moments, PRAISE GOD.
Difficult moments, SEEK GOD.
Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD.
Painful moments, TRUST GOD.
Every moment, THANK GOD..
Yesterday was a rough day for me personally. I think I was only focusing on the bad, the frustrations, and just feeling sorry for myself. But through all of this, I have seen so much good, especially God using the Body of Christ as His hands and feet. I have so much and so many people to be grateful for. I have had to trust God more than anything to protect our children when we couldn't be there and to trust that He has the best timing set aside for this little baby to come into our world. I thank Him and each of you for making these last 7 weeks a time to grow and a time for our family to lean into Him and the Christ-centered people He has put in our lives. God bless you all! Take care. love, Jill
Monday, May 23, 2011
Could Be A Great Day!
Wow! Ambien is such a beautiful drug!! Although I only slept 5 1/2 hrs., they were solid and I feel so good! Plus, I have a good feeling I will be going home today. I "shrunk" back to 5 cm and have not really had any contractions. Hopefully this is the last time I go home and hopefully the next time I come in, it's for real...I'm really starting to wonder if a baby actually exists....you too?
Despite the fact that this pregnancy has been everything from "ideal", I still feel privelaged as a woman to carry a baby and give birth. It is such a beautiful thing to know that this little body is forming inside of me and through my own strength (and that of God, of course!) I will push this baby out into the world. The more babies I see here at the hospital and on TLC (Baby Story), the more I look forwad to holding this precious little life and giving him/her as a gift to our children and family. Again, despite the labor pains and discomfort, I am so thankful that God gave the role of child-bearing to women!
I wonder how men would handle pregnancy and birth? Even though Cade is so supportive and great during pregnancy, I can't help but think about the crazy things that he, and probably most men, think about as they watch us over these 9 months, and how much of it they don't understand or would care to endure. Like the fact that through each pregnancy I have craved particular things that I've asked him to pick up for dinner on his way home from work....over 4 pregnancies it's been anything from Captain Crunch cereal, Noble Romans breaksticks and cheese, Starbucks Mochas, York Peppermint Patties, Fountain Cokes, McDonald's cheeseburgers, etc...He has also probably not grown particularky fond of "Patty"...my green body pillow that lays in between us every night (well, during pregnancy!)...if he only really understood the need for this essential item for pregnant women's sleep! When I woke up the other night in the middle of the night, I almost laughed to myself trying to imagine a guy sleeping in this little bed with Tocos strapped across their bellies, IV's stuck in their arm, sleeping with "disposable" pillows, and on top of it all, being put on Magnesium...it made me chuckle. And finally, I think many guys would freak out the moment they started feeling the baby move inside them or roll across their tummy. The idea of feeling a foot lodged in their rib and to actually touch it and push it down, would easily weird them out...hahahah! I don't mention all of this as a criticism to men at all. Cade has always been supportive and a trooper during pregnancy as well as all of my friends' husbands...they're all great! But I think as supportive as they are, they don't always envy the things our bodies have to go through to bring life into the world. I really actually love how I see and feel Cade grow more in love with me through pregnancy. I know he really respects what I endure for the love of our family...and in our particular situation it makes me respect and fall more in love with him as he so graciously steps up to the plate and out of his comfort zone to do the "Mr. Mom" role as well as keep up with being dad and doing work stuff. I think we can both say the growing pains and labor pains of marriage don't always have to be painful, but a time for a marriage to grow stronger and taller above the difficulties life throws our way. It's a time to be challenged and grow in our weaknesses and really thank God for the strengths He's given us...and to be thankful that He has probably given us a spouse who fills in the gaps where we are weak and to see God's blessing from our spouse's gifts. For anyone reading this who isn't married, these are the qualities of a man/woman you want on your "checklist". Yes, you want to be physically attracted to a man/woman; you want to know that they will be fun to travel with; and that they are financially secure; but, really, if you are unequally yoked in your walk with Christ, getting through situations such as these, dismisses all of these other qualities...those qualities can't bring you through, and they don't allow true joy to shine through the foggy or dark times. Ok, off my soapbox!
Over the last several weeks, I have prayed at times wondering why I am going through this. I have days of real frustration and days I have just felt plain 'ol sorry for myself. You would think after 3 kids I would have perfected how to deal with these circumstances, but God continues to see weak areas where I require sharpening. As much as I don't want to go dull, the sharpening can be long process, but I've realized, even after baby comes, I will just continue to be sharpened in another area. I have had to realize He's never done with us, but a lot of times I only realize that when things aren't going my way...when I'm uncomfortable, when I'm angry, in pain, lonely, etc...., but even in the victories and joyous occasions, He's there refining us, reminding that all things and circumstances are because of Him...He is in control.
Well, hopefully I'll be heading home later this morning. I can't wait to come back sometime in the next week or two and it actually be the real deal! I can't wait to introduce you all to this crazy little baby who can't seem to make up his/her mind. I can't wait to meet him/her and hold him/her in my arms. I'm also a little excited that we will be doing things a little differently this time around. In the past, Cade and I have preferred for the two of us to be alone during the birth. However, this past fall, I had the privelage to help one of my best friends with her home birth. It was such a beautiful thing to actually see the baby be born (and it wasn't on TV). My mom and sister have always wanted to see one of our babies be born, and we have agreed that this time we would let them (assuming everyone can get here on time!). I will never forget my own experience of watching a birth and I hope I can give them such a gift as well...hopefully soon!
Despite the fact that this pregnancy has been everything from "ideal", I still feel privelaged as a woman to carry a baby and give birth. It is such a beautiful thing to know that this little body is forming inside of me and through my own strength (and that of God, of course!) I will push this baby out into the world. The more babies I see here at the hospital and on TLC (Baby Story), the more I look forwad to holding this precious little life and giving him/her as a gift to our children and family. Again, despite the labor pains and discomfort, I am so thankful that God gave the role of child-bearing to women!
I wonder how men would handle pregnancy and birth? Even though Cade is so supportive and great during pregnancy, I can't help but think about the crazy things that he, and probably most men, think about as they watch us over these 9 months, and how much of it they don't understand or would care to endure. Like the fact that through each pregnancy I have craved particular things that I've asked him to pick up for dinner on his way home from work....over 4 pregnancies it's been anything from Captain Crunch cereal, Noble Romans breaksticks and cheese, Starbucks Mochas, York Peppermint Patties, Fountain Cokes, McDonald's cheeseburgers, etc...He has also probably not grown particularky fond of "Patty"...my green body pillow that lays in between us every night (well, during pregnancy!)...if he only really understood the need for this essential item for pregnant women's sleep! When I woke up the other night in the middle of the night, I almost laughed to myself trying to imagine a guy sleeping in this little bed with Tocos strapped across their bellies, IV's stuck in their arm, sleeping with "disposable" pillows, and on top of it all, being put on Magnesium...it made me chuckle. And finally, I think many guys would freak out the moment they started feeling the baby move inside them or roll across their tummy. The idea of feeling a foot lodged in their rib and to actually touch it and push it down, would easily weird them out...hahahah! I don't mention all of this as a criticism to men at all. Cade has always been supportive and a trooper during pregnancy as well as all of my friends' husbands...they're all great! But I think as supportive as they are, they don't always envy the things our bodies have to go through to bring life into the world. I really actually love how I see and feel Cade grow more in love with me through pregnancy. I know he really respects what I endure for the love of our family...and in our particular situation it makes me respect and fall more in love with him as he so graciously steps up to the plate and out of his comfort zone to do the "Mr. Mom" role as well as keep up with being dad and doing work stuff. I think we can both say the growing pains and labor pains of marriage don't always have to be painful, but a time for a marriage to grow stronger and taller above the difficulties life throws our way. It's a time to be challenged and grow in our weaknesses and really thank God for the strengths He's given us...and to be thankful that He has probably given us a spouse who fills in the gaps where we are weak and to see God's blessing from our spouse's gifts. For anyone reading this who isn't married, these are the qualities of a man/woman you want on your "checklist". Yes, you want to be physically attracted to a man/woman; you want to know that they will be fun to travel with; and that they are financially secure; but, really, if you are unequally yoked in your walk with Christ, getting through situations such as these, dismisses all of these other qualities...those qualities can't bring you through, and they don't allow true joy to shine through the foggy or dark times. Ok, off my soapbox!
Over the last several weeks, I have prayed at times wondering why I am going through this. I have days of real frustration and days I have just felt plain 'ol sorry for myself. You would think after 3 kids I would have perfected how to deal with these circumstances, but God continues to see weak areas where I require sharpening. As much as I don't want to go dull, the sharpening can be long process, but I've realized, even after baby comes, I will just continue to be sharpened in another area. I have had to realize He's never done with us, but a lot of times I only realize that when things aren't going my way...when I'm uncomfortable, when I'm angry, in pain, lonely, etc...., but even in the victories and joyous occasions, He's there refining us, reminding that all things and circumstances are because of Him...He is in control.
Well, hopefully I'll be heading home later this morning. I can't wait to come back sometime in the next week or two and it actually be the real deal! I can't wait to introduce you all to this crazy little baby who can't seem to make up his/her mind. I can't wait to meet him/her and hold him/her in my arms. I'm also a little excited that we will be doing things a little differently this time around. In the past, Cade and I have preferred for the two of us to be alone during the birth. However, this past fall, I had the privelage to help one of my best friends with her home birth. It was such a beautiful thing to actually see the baby be born (and it wasn't on TV). My mom and sister have always wanted to see one of our babies be born, and we have agreed that this time we would let them (assuming everyone can get here on time!). I will never forget my own experience of watching a birth and I hope I can give them such a gift as well...hopefully soon!
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Really....Really?
The last couple days have been quite emotional. It all started Thursday afternoon. I was starting to have some contraction-type pain, but couldn't pinpoint exactly what was going on. I prayed through the night that I could just make it to Friday because I already had a scheduled appt. At my appt. Friday I got sent over to Labor and Delivery here at IU West. I'm pretty sure I should get frequent flyer points for being here and should automatically get upgraded to the best suite...I mean, I had just gotten discharged on Tuesday! So, the doctor on call started me on a lower dose of mag. After about 3 hrs. it didn't seem to be doing much as my contractions were still coming pretty strong and close together. The doctor then wanted to up the mag, which I was not in favor of. After a lot of tears, I finally agreed to enter the mag coma again. Later yesterday evening I was still having contractions and the doc said my cervix felt like it changed, so we agreed to just let nature take its course. Well, as much as I know it is best for baby to stay inside longer, I was really excited to think that baby could be coming soon. Well, after I went off the mag, the contractions seem to totally subside and I went to bed having very few contractions and went the whole night that way. This morning a new doctor on call came in to check me and said my cervix hadn't changed. That definitely gave me a mix of emotions. I know it is best for the baby, but it only made me wonder what it will take and how long will it take for contractions to pick back up for baby to come out? To think that I will be spending another week or more in the hospital, missing our kids, finding places for them to go, the stress of being so far along but not needing/wanting Cade to miss work and spend every moment feeling he needs to be here for this to happen...it's all a little much. It's hard when I call home and I hear the kids crying in the background over something I feel I could fix or make better. You'd think we'd be experts at handling this by now! I don't know that anything could ever prepare a woman who is CEO of her household to handle this...moms should have a backup plan, I guess, but I just didn't have time to write the manual! Fortunately, Cade has done an incredible job of stepping up to the plate and filling the roles for both of us, but I know he's tired. We're both tired in different ways from different things, but it's just taking it's toll. I know I've mentioned this before, but I don't know how people do this without the strength of the Lord to lean into, or just to hold the foundation of their marriage together.
At this point today I feel like I'm doing much better. Although there is still the unknown, I'm seeing a glimpse of light. I'm glad I'm at IU West, my nurses have been great, the food is better (than downtown anyway), and I have my own doctor on call this weekend. I am so thankful my sister Amy came in town again this weekend to help out at home. It just gives us a safety net if Cade has to leave last minute or through the night.
God has been so good and faithful through all of this. I have really missed attending worship services at church, so I've been watching Aaron preach online. It gives me some connection. I am also so grateful for the friends who continue to send encouraging words and scripture. I know He is here with me, and I know I just need to fully surrender at this point and give it ALL over to Him. Maybe He's wondering if I've fully learned what He has wanted me to. I continue to pray that I give over all of that control and know that it is all in His timing, not mine!
Looking forward to dinner with Cade and kids up here tonight! Miss them!
At this point today I feel like I'm doing much better. Although there is still the unknown, I'm seeing a glimpse of light. I'm glad I'm at IU West, my nurses have been great, the food is better (than downtown anyway), and I have my own doctor on call this weekend. I am so thankful my sister Amy came in town again this weekend to help out at home. It just gives us a safety net if Cade has to leave last minute or through the night.
God has been so good and faithful through all of this. I have really missed attending worship services at church, so I've been watching Aaron preach online. It gives me some connection. I am also so grateful for the friends who continue to send encouraging words and scripture. I know He is here with me, and I know I just need to fully surrender at this point and give it ALL over to Him. Maybe He's wondering if I've fully learned what He has wanted me to. I continue to pray that I give over all of that control and know that it is all in His timing, not mine!
Looking forward to dinner with Cade and kids up here tonight! Miss them!
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
I Know It's Not More Than I Can Handle
Between yesterday and this morning, I'm feeling really overwhelmed with emotion. Honestly, I'm just tired of this. It's so hard to not help put the kids to bed, do chores and cleaning around the house, and simple grocery shopping (along with a million other things). I know some of you moms that might be reading this might think that not having to do those things sound like a great vacation, and it would be if I was in Florida for a week, but not when I'm having to sit around and watch it around me. It breaks my heart that our kids are so confused and don't understand all of this (even though I doubt they will remember much a year from now), and although he hasn't complained, Cade is juggling a lot and is completely exhausted by the time the kids go to bed.
Sometimes I think this would be a little more bearable if the weather would brighten up. I know last week when I came home, and through most of the weekend, it was such a blessing that is was dry and sunny! The kids were so happy playing outside in the water and riding bikes. And it was nice to be outside again on the back porch with my neighbor friends (oh, and the best neighbors ever!). I guess I know that kind of weather is right around the corner and sooner than later, I'll be begging for fall (I know, we're never satisfied!).
On a more positive note, through all of this, we are so grateful for many people and things, but especially for our church family. We really do feel like our church body is an extension of our family. So many people have been sending emails and cards, many of the staff has done meals over the last month, and a life group from church even put together some fun bags for the kids! I have also had a great handful of church friends come up to the hospital and visit (and bringing all kinds of goodies!). I honestly don't know what or how people get through difficult times without Christ or without the Body that surrounds them. I get so much strength and encouragement from their faith, especially when I feel like I'm losing hope that there will actually be an end to this. I think something I've really been missing in the last 6 weeks has been actually attending church. I have been watching the sermons online (so grateful for technology), but I miss that time to get the full worship experience. I will be so happy to get back to church...it is something that really feeds me each week, and I think that lack of nourishment has made me a little weak (but I know when we're not getting the "full meal" we might need to supplement, and I can't say I've felt like I've done a good job of that).
Sorry this post wasn't so positive, but today's a day when I really just needed to be real and transparent. This is hard and it's starting to wear on me. I know with God's strength I can make it through this last little stretch, and in a matter of weeks, I will be begging for time to just lay on the couch and not have a house to clean. I know this has taught me to appreciate the things I have, the people in my life, and the little things I am ABLE to do. I'm really going to try to pull myself out of this slump and make the most of this time to rest and spend small moments with our kids.
Well, hopefully today will bring some sunshine...if not outside, at least inside of me. I have a friend coming over to hang out and help today, so I'm sure that will help. Thanks for continued reminders of your support, love, and encouragement.
Sometimes I think this would be a little more bearable if the weather would brighten up. I know last week when I came home, and through most of the weekend, it was such a blessing that is was dry and sunny! The kids were so happy playing outside in the water and riding bikes. And it was nice to be outside again on the back porch with my neighbor friends (oh, and the best neighbors ever!). I guess I know that kind of weather is right around the corner and sooner than later, I'll be begging for fall (I know, we're never satisfied!).
On a more positive note, through all of this, we are so grateful for many people and things, but especially for our church family. We really do feel like our church body is an extension of our family. So many people have been sending emails and cards, many of the staff has done meals over the last month, and a life group from church even put together some fun bags for the kids! I have also had a great handful of church friends come up to the hospital and visit (and bringing all kinds of goodies!). I honestly don't know what or how people get through difficult times without Christ or without the Body that surrounds them. I get so much strength and encouragement from their faith, especially when I feel like I'm losing hope that there will actually be an end to this. I think something I've really been missing in the last 6 weeks has been actually attending church. I have been watching the sermons online (so grateful for technology), but I miss that time to get the full worship experience. I will be so happy to get back to church...it is something that really feeds me each week, and I think that lack of nourishment has made me a little weak (but I know when we're not getting the "full meal" we might need to supplement, and I can't say I've felt like I've done a good job of that).
Sorry this post wasn't so positive, but today's a day when I really just needed to be real and transparent. This is hard and it's starting to wear on me. I know with God's strength I can make it through this last little stretch, and in a matter of weeks, I will be begging for time to just lay on the couch and not have a house to clean. I know this has taught me to appreciate the things I have, the people in my life, and the little things I am ABLE to do. I'm really going to try to pull myself out of this slump and make the most of this time to rest and spend small moments with our kids.
Well, hopefully today will bring some sunshine...if not outside, at least inside of me. I have a friend coming over to hang out and help today, so I'm sure that will help. Thanks for continued reminders of your support, love, and encouragement.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Back Again!
Well, we made it through the weekend, only to end with us back in the hospital. I felt with the weather being nice, I could not have asked for a better time at home before I had to come back to "prison"...it was good time out! Luckily I was able to come back to IU West where now I know I will deliver baby when he/she is ready! I sitll think I am another week or so away from that happening. Last night when I came in, I was having contractions 2 min. apart and had dialated up to about 4 at that point. I was immediately put on the Mag., but since it did it's job through the night, I was taken off of it and have been on turbutaline today and have been resting. If contractions don't come back, I'm hoping to go home on the meds sometime tomorrow or Wed. morning! Then, hopefully the next time I have to come back here, I will actually deliver a baby! I was telling someone this morning, that at this point I feel like I have a disease. I feel like the idea of actually having the baby at this point seems a little foreign...will he or she ever come one of these times?? I know there is light at the end of the tunnel, but the longer and more time I spend in the hospital, I just wonder when and where that light is?
During this time, I have repeatedly said how thankful I am for everyone who has helped us...from meals, helping with the kids, to prayer and just words of enouragement and support. I know at this point some of you are just as tired of all of this as we are. We really do promise a baby is coming!! I know Cade and I are both so thankful for the help we have received from our families. For the last 3-4 weeks, Cade's parents have kept the kids overnight at least once during the week. I appreciate their selflessness and willlingness to do whatever we have needed. The kids really love being there...well, except Savannah, who lately refuses to go. I think this has been a lot for her. I asked her why she didn't want to go to GiGi and PaPa's and she said, "Bugs." Well, they do live in the country, but we have bugs at our house too, so I don't know what her deal is? Brooklyn does have a little bug phobia, made very apparent this spring, which I think she given to her sister! Sidenote: sometimes I do take advantage of her fear...like last week she kept taking our inside toys outside, but then didn't want to help clean up and bring them back in...I told her the bugs would eat them all up if she didn't...worked like a charm (I know, I'm bad!) We've decided not to force her to go at this point, as my mom has been so willing to watch her, and it probably gives Brooklyn and Camden more one-on-one attention anyway (and Savannah too). My mom has been really great giving up a lot of her time to help so much with the kids. She takes them to the pet store, the library, in the hot tub, etc....all the little things they love. I know they just love being with GoGo, and if we go a day without GoGo, I have to explain to them that GoGo needs a break sometimes! It's such a blessing as a daughter to see that even though we didn't see our parents as perfect all the time growing up, as we battled through different kinds of rebellion with them, that we can have such a different perspective and have such joy as we watch our children love them and go crazy over them. It really has been so much easier when I've been in the hospital to know when our children are with our parents (and friends) that are being loved on and taken care of so well.
Well, hopefully tomorrow will bring a car ride home. I feel like this past weekend brought a lot of great final family time. I hope that I can just really stick it out on that couch and make it another week or two. I think the kids are really starting to wonder if there is really a baby in there? They all think and want a boy, but my heart and mind has said girl from the beginning so we'll see. I hope they can just be excited to see this little one and love on him/her. I have seen our kids with a lot of babies lately and I know they will do great. Camden, esp. seems to have a heart for babies...he loves to take the time to hold them. I am not sure if many of you know/realize that all of our kids have East Coast city names. I will not reveal whether we have decided to stick with our (unintentional from the beginning) theme, but I am really excited to give this baby a name and share him/her with all of you. Take care and have a great evening!
During this time, I have repeatedly said how thankful I am for everyone who has helped us...from meals, helping with the kids, to prayer and just words of enouragement and support. I know at this point some of you are just as tired of all of this as we are. We really do promise a baby is coming!! I know Cade and I are both so thankful for the help we have received from our families. For the last 3-4 weeks, Cade's parents have kept the kids overnight at least once during the week. I appreciate their selflessness and willlingness to do whatever we have needed. The kids really love being there...well, except Savannah, who lately refuses to go. I think this has been a lot for her. I asked her why she didn't want to go to GiGi and PaPa's and she said, "Bugs." Well, they do live in the country, but we have bugs at our house too, so I don't know what her deal is? Brooklyn does have a little bug phobia, made very apparent this spring, which I think she given to her sister! Sidenote: sometimes I do take advantage of her fear...like last week she kept taking our inside toys outside, but then didn't want to help clean up and bring them back in...I told her the bugs would eat them all up if she didn't...worked like a charm (I know, I'm bad!) We've decided not to force her to go at this point, as my mom has been so willing to watch her, and it probably gives Brooklyn and Camden more one-on-one attention anyway (and Savannah too). My mom has been really great giving up a lot of her time to help so much with the kids. She takes them to the pet store, the library, in the hot tub, etc....all the little things they love. I know they just love being with GoGo, and if we go a day without GoGo, I have to explain to them that GoGo needs a break sometimes! It's such a blessing as a daughter to see that even though we didn't see our parents as perfect all the time growing up, as we battled through different kinds of rebellion with them, that we can have such a different perspective and have such joy as we watch our children love them and go crazy over them. It really has been so much easier when I've been in the hospital to know when our children are with our parents (and friends) that are being loved on and taken care of so well.
Well, hopefully tomorrow will bring a car ride home. I feel like this past weekend brought a lot of great final family time. I hope that I can just really stick it out on that couch and make it another week or two. I think the kids are really starting to wonder if there is really a baby in there? They all think and want a boy, but my heart and mind has said girl from the beginning so we'll see. I hope they can just be excited to see this little one and love on him/her. I have seen our kids with a lot of babies lately and I know they will do great. Camden, esp. seems to have a heart for babies...he loves to take the time to hold them. I am not sure if many of you know/realize that all of our kids have East Coast city names. I will not reveal whether we have decided to stick with our (unintentional from the beginning) theme, but I am really excited to give this baby a name and share him/her with all of you. Take care and have a great evening!
Friday, May 13, 2011
Family Time
It won't be too much longer that we are a family of 5...I can't believe that time is so near. This morning I went to the doctor and there is not much to report. I'm measuring fine and baby still sounds great...and is constantly moving!! He said we are going to have to walk that fine line of checking me because he doesn't want to stir up anything, but knows in the past I have dialated without even knowing it or really feeling the contractions. Only time will tell, I guess.
Today, since Cade is off on Fridays, we decided it would be good to do something as a family since this might be our last opportunity before baby comes. So, we took an adventure to the zoo No, don't worry, I didn't walk around the zoo...Cade wheeled me around in a lovely wheelchair It was so nice to spoil the kids and do some of the things we don't normally do at the zoo. Brooklyn has been dying to go on the roller coaster, so she and Camden did that, and Savannah's highlight was when they all went on the carousel! It was fun to kind of be incapacitated and just enjoy watching Cade get to do some of those fun things with them. By nature, I usually take the lead on those kind of things, or we just usually go to the zoo on days Cade is working; so, that opportunity was really fun, and I think he enjoyed it too!
This is day 3 of being home, and it's getting better and easier. II am really missing some of the normal things in life like grocery shopping, and Costco...I really miss Costco! I also miss being able to run up and down the stairs to take care of the house, and just being outside to push the kids on the swing...wait, I really don't like having to push the kids on the swing, so I'm glad Cade still has to do that! (Am I a bad mom or what?) The kids are getting used to me being here and other people being here as well. Before I left for the doctor today, I told Savannah good-bye when I was heading out and she said, "No go...no baby!" I think she was afraid I wasn't coming home. Then, when I did get back, she said, "Doctor say you come home?" I think she was reassured! One of the most difficult things I've noticed with the kids, it helping them understand the pain of change and simply the unknown. I feel like we're making promises (in their minds, anyway) that change due to circumstances with the baby. I hope by the end of all this they can still trust our words..and still love this baby! I think this affects Brooklyn the most, which makes me sad for her, but I know 6 weeks from now we will be in a whole different place and she will be fine.
Well, I'm looking forward to getting through the weekend so we can hit 33 weeks on Monday! My sister, Amy, is also coming into town this weekend, so that will give the kids 2 days of non-stop fun nd attention! Hopefully having Amy here will give Cade a little break too. He's been awesome keeping everything together and taking care of all 4 of us! Looking forward to a great weekend and I hope you all are too!
Today, since Cade is off on Fridays, we decided it would be good to do something as a family since this might be our last opportunity before baby comes. So, we took an adventure to the zoo No, don't worry, I didn't walk around the zoo...Cade wheeled me around in a lovely wheelchair It was so nice to spoil the kids and do some of the things we don't normally do at the zoo. Brooklyn has been dying to go on the roller coaster, so she and Camden did that, and Savannah's highlight was when they all went on the carousel! It was fun to kind of be incapacitated and just enjoy watching Cade get to do some of those fun things with them. By nature, I usually take the lead on those kind of things, or we just usually go to the zoo on days Cade is working; so, that opportunity was really fun, and I think he enjoyed it too!
This is day 3 of being home, and it's getting better and easier. II am really missing some of the normal things in life like grocery shopping, and Costco...I really miss Costco! I also miss being able to run up and down the stairs to take care of the house, and just being outside to push the kids on the swing...wait, I really don't like having to push the kids on the swing, so I'm glad Cade still has to do that! (Am I a bad mom or what?) The kids are getting used to me being here and other people being here as well. Before I left for the doctor today, I told Savannah good-bye when I was heading out and she said, "No go...no baby!" I think she was afraid I wasn't coming home. Then, when I did get back, she said, "Doctor say you come home?" I think she was reassured! One of the most difficult things I've noticed with the kids, it helping them understand the pain of change and simply the unknown. I feel like we're making promises (in their minds, anyway) that change due to circumstances with the baby. I hope by the end of all this they can still trust our words..and still love this baby! I think this affects Brooklyn the most, which makes me sad for her, but I know 6 weeks from now we will be in a whole different place and she will be fine.
Well, I'm looking forward to getting through the weekend so we can hit 33 weeks on Monday! My sister, Amy, is also coming into town this weekend, so that will give the kids 2 days of non-stop fun nd attention! Hopefully having Amy here will give Cade a little break too. He's been awesome keeping everything together and taking care of all 4 of us! Looking forward to a great weekend and I hope you all are too!
Thursday, May 12, 2011
The Price We Pay
Well, I'm slowly getting back into my groove of at-home bedrest. This morning I'm getting a break thanks to a great friend (who already has 7 children of her own) who is taking all three kids through the lunch hour. I am enjoying the peace, and I tend to stay put and rest when I'm here by myself!
Something that has been on my mind since I was off the magnesium and could collect some thoughts, is the idea of all the sacrifice I am making for one child while three children suffer. Now, I know my three kids aren't truly "suffering"...these kids have had more McDonald's Happy Meals, candy, cookies, ice cream, toys, sleepovers,etc... than their next 5 Christmases will bring them, but even though they are getting all these great "things" they are not satisfied without the love (physical and emotional) that comes from their Mommy. I don't really think we have ever spoiled our kids with "things", but I'm learning more and more each day that as parents the physical, spiritual, and emotional security we can give our kids has a far greater impact on them than we'd like to think. These "things" that have been substituting for me lately are so temporary, and that has become so evident over these past two weeks. Those things get played with a little, but any opportunity for my attention has them smiling. I have just felt so bad in this last week, esp. for Brooklyn, when they want my attention, or "Mommy come see this", that I just can't pop up every time to run to see what's "so important" to them. I feel like I continue to be put in a situation with them where I'm communicating that this baby is more important than them...they're not even gonna like this kid by the time it gets here...and the distratction of attention has only just begun!
However, I know that I am doing the right thing, and this baby is a part of our family and we're working hard to get him/her here! I remember telling my OB we were going to start trying to have another baby (this one) and the first thing he said was "The best gift you can give your children is more siblings." He's right. Although the kids don't understand all of this now; and despite their own frustrations and the lack of attention, one day this baby will be one of their best friends and someone who will be with them forever! And I know this baby will just bring an overwhelming joy to our household (wow, this kid has a lot to live up to!!).
Well, keeping it kind of short today. Loving that summer is right around the corner and we will be able to be outside and exhaust the kids! Looking forward to another day! Take care.
Something that has been on my mind since I was off the magnesium and could collect some thoughts, is the idea of all the sacrifice I am making for one child while three children suffer. Now, I know my three kids aren't truly "suffering"...these kids have had more McDonald's Happy Meals, candy, cookies, ice cream, toys, sleepovers,etc... than their next 5 Christmases will bring them, but even though they are getting all these great "things" they are not satisfied without the love (physical and emotional) that comes from their Mommy. I don't really think we have ever spoiled our kids with "things", but I'm learning more and more each day that as parents the physical, spiritual, and emotional security we can give our kids has a far greater impact on them than we'd like to think. These "things" that have been substituting for me lately are so temporary, and that has become so evident over these past two weeks. Those things get played with a little, but any opportunity for my attention has them smiling. I have just felt so bad in this last week, esp. for Brooklyn, when they want my attention, or "Mommy come see this", that I just can't pop up every time to run to see what's "so important" to them. I feel like I continue to be put in a situation with them where I'm communicating that this baby is more important than them...they're not even gonna like this kid by the time it gets here...and the distratction of attention has only just begun!
However, I know that I am doing the right thing, and this baby is a part of our family and we're working hard to get him/her here! I remember telling my OB we were going to start trying to have another baby (this one) and the first thing he said was "The best gift you can give your children is more siblings." He's right. Although the kids don't understand all of this now; and despite their own frustrations and the lack of attention, one day this baby will be one of their best friends and someone who will be with them forever! And I know this baby will just bring an overwhelming joy to our household (wow, this kid has a lot to live up to!!).
Well, keeping it kind of short today. Loving that summer is right around the corner and we will be able to be outside and exhaust the kids! Looking forward to another day! Take care.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
A New Room?
Well, I know it's great that baby is still be in and growing, but since I'm stable and nothing is happening right now, they moved me to the side of the floor with other women who are long-termers or post-partum women. My room is now about 1/2 the size and my view is that of rocks on a roof and a wall outside...I have never wished I could see traffic until now. I honestly wish I could just go home and lay in my own bed!
Yesterday my mom brought just Savannah down and we had lunch (wheelchair ride and went outside!)and time watching Dora! I am so grateful for my mom and her selflessness right now. She is doing a great job helping and making sure kids and Cade are staying afloat. She is trying to bring each of the kids down for individual time with me too. This is so nice because it's really hard to focus on all of them with they all come in a group...they can only usually last an hour before they get too antsy. It still makes me so sad when Savannah continues to ask me to come home. She tells my belly, "Baby come out!" It's so cute. She always has a hard time leaving too, but I think yesterday I found a way to have her leave peacefully. I discovered her love for the "pink and white candies" (AKA Good n' Plenty) so I give her a little handful and walk her to the elevator and she's a happy camper!
Yesterday afternoon I spent time listening to Aaron's sermon from Sunday. The last two weeks he has spoken on marriage. I've talked a lot about the kids in my few posts, but today I want to share about Cade. After listening the last couple weeks to the sermons, it makes me so thankful for my husband and marriage. Cade and I don't do everything perfectly, and we have our "discussions" sometimes, but overall, I can rest assured that our marriage is solid and deeply rooted in Christ. I know some look at Cade and see him as this quiet man, but he brings me so much laughter and is definitely the spiritual leader for our home. He gives me so much security by his expressions of love and support to me and our kids; he is so diligent with our finanaces and always communicates where and how our money is going; and I love that he loves to just sit and talk about our day...I guess I can say communication is one of our strengths, but then, it's so easy to always be talking with your best friend!
To be more reflective of some things that stick out to me from Aaron's message, I think about our current situation. I can't imagine going through the stresses and valleys that these difficult times bring without a solid sense of communication and a marriage founded on Christ. This is our time to not think of ourselves. Cade could have easily folded in this last week and said he can't handle this, but he's done quite the opposite. He has been my rock. He bears the burdens I'm carrying when I call in tears and frustration on the phone; he is doing dinner, showers, and bedtime routine every night with kids who miss Mommy; and he is communicating and dealing with people watching the kids, and of course, his mother-in-law!! (Just kidding, he really likes and gets along with my mom!) I am so appreciative of his selflessness and of his constant encouragement. It makes me sad to think of marriages that fall apart when situations or people aren't "ideal". Yes, it is times like these where we see the most vulnerable parts of ourselves and our spouse, but when we are equally yoked and can lean into Him, He allows us to sharpen one another. This is a time to lift one another up...encourage our spouse in his/her weakness; remind him/her of his/her strengths. This is not a time to dwell on what each person is doing wrong or not doing "as you would do". This is part of what I feel like God is teaching me in many relationships right now, as I am out of control and relying on so many other people, esp. Cade.
In a nutshell, take time today to appreciate your spouse. Find a way to lift him/her up and know this is the one solid person God has blessed you with to get you through your most difficult and vulnerable moments. This is the person who loves you without makeup, tolerates your Mommy's-gonna-lose-it moments, and lifts you up when you're feeling discouraged. I am so in love with Cade, and despite this little valley of a moment we're having, when the situation isn't "ideal", this is when I fall in love with him even more. Have a great day!
Yesterday my mom brought just Savannah down and we had lunch (wheelchair ride and went outside!)and time watching Dora! I am so grateful for my mom and her selflessness right now. She is doing a great job helping and making sure kids and Cade are staying afloat. She is trying to bring each of the kids down for individual time with me too. This is so nice because it's really hard to focus on all of them with they all come in a group...they can only usually last an hour before they get too antsy. It still makes me so sad when Savannah continues to ask me to come home. She tells my belly, "Baby come out!" It's so cute. She always has a hard time leaving too, but I think yesterday I found a way to have her leave peacefully. I discovered her love for the "pink and white candies" (AKA Good n' Plenty) so I give her a little handful and walk her to the elevator and she's a happy camper!
Yesterday afternoon I spent time listening to Aaron's sermon from Sunday. The last two weeks he has spoken on marriage. I've talked a lot about the kids in my few posts, but today I want to share about Cade. After listening the last couple weeks to the sermons, it makes me so thankful for my husband and marriage. Cade and I don't do everything perfectly, and we have our "discussions" sometimes, but overall, I can rest assured that our marriage is solid and deeply rooted in Christ. I know some look at Cade and see him as this quiet man, but he brings me so much laughter and is definitely the spiritual leader for our home. He gives me so much security by his expressions of love and support to me and our kids; he is so diligent with our finanaces and always communicates where and how our money is going; and I love that he loves to just sit and talk about our day...I guess I can say communication is one of our strengths, but then, it's so easy to always be talking with your best friend!
To be more reflective of some things that stick out to me from Aaron's message, I think about our current situation. I can't imagine going through the stresses and valleys that these difficult times bring without a solid sense of communication and a marriage founded on Christ. This is our time to not think of ourselves. Cade could have easily folded in this last week and said he can't handle this, but he's done quite the opposite. He has been my rock. He bears the burdens I'm carrying when I call in tears and frustration on the phone; he is doing dinner, showers, and bedtime routine every night with kids who miss Mommy; and he is communicating and dealing with people watching the kids, and of course, his mother-in-law!! (Just kidding, he really likes and gets along with my mom!) I am so appreciative of his selflessness and of his constant encouragement. It makes me sad to think of marriages that fall apart when situations or people aren't "ideal". Yes, it is times like these where we see the most vulnerable parts of ourselves and our spouse, but when we are equally yoked and can lean into Him, He allows us to sharpen one another. This is a time to lift one another up...encourage our spouse in his/her weakness; remind him/her of his/her strengths. This is not a time to dwell on what each person is doing wrong or not doing "as you would do". This is part of what I feel like God is teaching me in many relationships right now, as I am out of control and relying on so many other people, esp. Cade.
In a nutshell, take time today to appreciate your spouse. Find a way to lift him/her up and know this is the one solid person God has blessed you with to get you through your most difficult and vulnerable moments. This is the person who loves you without makeup, tolerates your Mommy's-gonna-lose-it moments, and lifts you up when you're feeling discouraged. I am so in love with Cade, and despite this little valley of a moment we're having, when the situation isn't "ideal", this is when I fall in love with him even more. Have a great day!
Monday, May 9, 2011
32 weeks today!
I made it a whole week, which means so much less time in the NICU for this baby. I am so grateful that God is trying to make this baby as healthy and prepared as possible so he/she can join our family and come home from the hospital as quickly as possible.
I don't even know at this point how many people are reading the blog, but it's a good place for me to journal my journey through this...on good and bad days. It's only 8am and I've already had a meltdown this morning. I want to be so strong and handle this so well, but sometimes I'm not sure I can do this. What through me for a loop? I don't want to sound like everything I talk about revolves around food, but this morning I ordered French Toast for breakfast. When my meal was brought to me at least an hour later, my milk was warm and they only gave me a piece of wheat toast. If it was good toast, and more than one piece of bread, I probably could have coped, but it just set me off. It didn't even seem worth it to call and complain because I'd just end up waiting another 45 min. I'm realizing the little freedoms that I have at home are all gone...getting my own food from what I bought at the store, picking out my own clothes, feeling outside air, etc...I am so appreciative of how people want to help, and so many people have spoiled me rotten, but when something is slightly off, I feel so selfish and unappreciative. No one else can read my mind and expectations (which tend to fall in the category of perfectionism), but it's hard to not have control even over the smallest things I'm used to caring for for myself. I know I must sound crazy!
I'm wondering if God is stretching me over the edge this time? Through all my other bedrest episodes with the other kids, I've struggled with this. Just having others care for me/us, even with the best of intentions, can make me on edge...what is He wanting me to let go of this time? I feel like I've come along way, and now He's gotten me extremely out of control....where is He going with me? I feel like this is a day to search and discover His Word.
I know at this point I've probably scared many of you who have any desire to help. Again, we are so grateful and appreciative of all everyone has done...it's surely not an issue about your desire to serve and give, but God's intention to help me see the eternal things of this world and not be consumed by control. It's about me continuing to let go as He prepares me for the challenging year I have ahead...having 4 kids, homeschooling, MOPS, etc...all things He has laid on my heart to do, so this is my "training school". Boot camp is no fun for anyone, but I know it tends to break people down and then build them up, so I'm just waiting to get to the good part (when baby gets here!). I get excited at the possibility that every day I might be meeting this new baby boy/girl. It's only been almost 2 1/2 years but I miss the comfort of holding that little person in my arms.
So as not to make this all a negative post, I had a great evening with family celebrating Mother's Day and Camden's birthday. He is just the sweetest boy EVER and I love him so much. Since I shared so much about him yesterday, I thought today I'd briefly share about my girls. Brooklyn is such a first born (which almost scares me how much of myself I see in her). She is a pretty good helper around the house and is always willing to make a sacrifice to keep Camden or Savannah from throwing a fit. She loves to draw and I think expresses herself a lot in that way...she especially finds much of her attention coming in her artwork as she seeks that sense of accomplishment and approval. I am really looking forward to homeschooling her next year. I think it will be an opportunity and special time for she and I to connect. She is an eager learner and wants to please, so I'm praying that all falls into place as we start school! Savannah is my mama's girl. The things that she has been saying and expressing about how much she misses me at home breaks my heart, but also makes me realize how much she still needs me. Every time she comes to the hospital, I see how much more she is speaking, and she cracks me up at the things she says. Last night, I think she was a little jealous about Camden's Spiderman balloon. She said, "Dora balloon at my party!" To think her little mind is already planning ahead. It's so fun to watch their little minds develop feelings, reasoning skills, and understand really what is going on. One of my favorite parts of last night was Savannah laying in my hospital bed and I was laying next to her. She kept putting her arm around my neck and squeezing me close to her saying, "Love you too, Mommy". I wish she could just stay here with me...I would be willing to watch Dora all day for that (well, maybe not ALL day). My girls are so precious and I love that they love sharing a room together and that I can simply see the loving relationship growing between them.
Well, I think I feel a bit better after taking some time to write. At this point I feel like I should delete the beginning of my post so no one really sees my struggles, but that wouldn't be truthful. I've received many emails from people saying they admire my strength, etc...As much as I want to claim that proudly, I can't deny that it comes from the trials, which are often tears behind closed doors...and it's important to see that too. People don't become strong, wise, experts, etc...because God just made them that way; it's all because He's put them through the rough times so they lean into Him. So really, we're seeing His strengths in the gaps of our weakness, not necessarily a person unmoved by that challenges in front of her. Have a great week ahead!
I don't even know at this point how many people are reading the blog, but it's a good place for me to journal my journey through this...on good and bad days. It's only 8am and I've already had a meltdown this morning. I want to be so strong and handle this so well, but sometimes I'm not sure I can do this. What through me for a loop? I don't want to sound like everything I talk about revolves around food, but this morning I ordered French Toast for breakfast. When my meal was brought to me at least an hour later, my milk was warm and they only gave me a piece of wheat toast. If it was good toast, and more than one piece of bread, I probably could have coped, but it just set me off. It didn't even seem worth it to call and complain because I'd just end up waiting another 45 min. I'm realizing the little freedoms that I have at home are all gone...getting my own food from what I bought at the store, picking out my own clothes, feeling outside air, etc...I am so appreciative of how people want to help, and so many people have spoiled me rotten, but when something is slightly off, I feel so selfish and unappreciative. No one else can read my mind and expectations (which tend to fall in the category of perfectionism), but it's hard to not have control even over the smallest things I'm used to caring for for myself. I know I must sound crazy!
I'm wondering if God is stretching me over the edge this time? Through all my other bedrest episodes with the other kids, I've struggled with this. Just having others care for me/us, even with the best of intentions, can make me on edge...what is He wanting me to let go of this time? I feel like I've come along way, and now He's gotten me extremely out of control....where is He going with me? I feel like this is a day to search and discover His Word.
I know at this point I've probably scared many of you who have any desire to help. Again, we are so grateful and appreciative of all everyone has done...it's surely not an issue about your desire to serve and give, but God's intention to help me see the eternal things of this world and not be consumed by control. It's about me continuing to let go as He prepares me for the challenging year I have ahead...having 4 kids, homeschooling, MOPS, etc...all things He has laid on my heart to do, so this is my "training school". Boot camp is no fun for anyone, but I know it tends to break people down and then build them up, so I'm just waiting to get to the good part (when baby gets here!). I get excited at the possibility that every day I might be meeting this new baby boy/girl. It's only been almost 2 1/2 years but I miss the comfort of holding that little person in my arms.
So as not to make this all a negative post, I had a great evening with family celebrating Mother's Day and Camden's birthday. He is just the sweetest boy EVER and I love him so much. Since I shared so much about him yesterday, I thought today I'd briefly share about my girls. Brooklyn is such a first born (which almost scares me how much of myself I see in her). She is a pretty good helper around the house and is always willing to make a sacrifice to keep Camden or Savannah from throwing a fit. She loves to draw and I think expresses herself a lot in that way...she especially finds much of her attention coming in her artwork as she seeks that sense of accomplishment and approval. I am really looking forward to homeschooling her next year. I think it will be an opportunity and special time for she and I to connect. She is an eager learner and wants to please, so I'm praying that all falls into place as we start school! Savannah is my mama's girl. The things that she has been saying and expressing about how much she misses me at home breaks my heart, but also makes me realize how much she still needs me. Every time she comes to the hospital, I see how much more she is speaking, and she cracks me up at the things she says. Last night, I think she was a little jealous about Camden's Spiderman balloon. She said, "Dora balloon at my party!" To think her little mind is already planning ahead. It's so fun to watch their little minds develop feelings, reasoning skills, and understand really what is going on. One of my favorite parts of last night was Savannah laying in my hospital bed and I was laying next to her. She kept putting her arm around my neck and squeezing me close to her saying, "Love you too, Mommy". I wish she could just stay here with me...I would be willing to watch Dora all day for that (well, maybe not ALL day). My girls are so precious and I love that they love sharing a room together and that I can simply see the loving relationship growing between them.
Well, I think I feel a bit better after taking some time to write. At this point I feel like I should delete the beginning of my post so no one really sees my struggles, but that wouldn't be truthful. I've received many emails from people saying they admire my strength, etc...As much as I want to claim that proudly, I can't deny that it comes from the trials, which are often tears behind closed doors...and it's important to see that too. People don't become strong, wise, experts, etc...because God just made them that way; it's all because He's put them through the rough times so they lean into Him. So really, we're seeing His strengths in the gaps of our weakness, not necessarily a person unmoved by that challenges in front of her. Have a great week ahead!
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Happy Mother's Day
Happy Mother's Day to my own mom and to all of the other beautiful women in my life! I'm still here in the hospital carrying a baby who is now 31 wks., 6 days! As difficult as it is to just sit here, I've realized over the course of this week, that is the job of a mother! Just like when I became a parent for the first time, I realized how selfish we really are as people. It was difficult to adjust my own life to a new little one and put her first, but I slowly understood that is how Christ loves us, and how the Father loved us when He put His Son on that cross. It's not fun when we have to stop having control, putting everything and everyone in order; God is stretching me right now, so that again, I am ready to be a mother to a new, sweet baby, and realize that my own desires aren't first priority anymore. This week has shown me that even when I want this and that, and even to go home, my ultimate responsibility has been to sit and help this baby cook a little longer! Sometimes as moms we don't want to put our kids first...we get tired and drained, up to our necks in laundry, and get tired of attempting to reason with people who don't even come up to our waist! We lose our patience and our cool sometimes with our kids, and we find ourselves wondering how we ever became a mother in the first place, as we fell so ill-equipped to shape the minds and hearts of such innocent little people (esp. on such little sleep...us, not them!). But then we must know, in that instant, that we turn to Him to fill in those gaps. I have been told so many times by so many wise women who have mentored me through motherhood, that God has given me these children and intended these specific children for me...these kids who are picky eaters, who have delayed speech, who try to find ways to intentially push my buttons...yes, these kids! And I look at them while they sleep at night (which is always the most pleasant time to see our children!!) and know that, yes, God gave me such beautiful gifts to care for and love. He intended for me, their mother (and father), to walk them through this life, teaching them His love, His power, and the eternal life He has in store for them. I hope as a mother, this year, and for many to come, I have the strength, wisdom, discernment, and love, to shower my kids so that they come to know and love Him. I can try to make sure they eat their veggies, go to college, and know appropriate manners, but ultimately God continues to grow and stretch me in my faith (esp. through times like now), so I can only share that with my children and be an example of how to truly rely on Him. I love each other them so much, and have already come to love this little one inside me in a very deep way.
Happy Mother's Day again to all of you special women who have been called "Mom, Mommy, Mother, Go Go, GiGi, or Grandma" as well as those of you women who don't have children, but play a very special role in a child's life.
Last, but by no means least, a shout out today to Camden. Today is his 4th Birthday!!! It is so special to celebrate him on a special day for a Mom. In some ways he has been our most challenging, but on a day-to-day basis he is such a precious gift and sweet boy. I love his big brown eyes, his sweet smile, and every time he talks it makes me smile....love that kid's voice and his ability to be so articulate and ennunciate every word! He has been such a blessing to our family. I love that he gets much of his sensitivity from his dad, and that he is beginning to come into his own these last couple months. Although he still loves his superheroes and their figures, it has been fun to see him wanting to be outside and be "all boy". He loves shooting baskets in the backyard with his friends or with Cade, and he has enjoyed doing some pitch and catch with Cade. He's always a real trooper to let Brooklyn be the batter and he plays the outfield with Savannah! He is such a good little brother and big brother to his sisters. I am so proud of him and the big boy he is growing up to be. Looking at his fragile, stick-like figure, I don't see him playing in the NFL, but with his tender heart and willingness to love and chat with people, I really hope he grows up to be a man like his dad. Love you buddy!
Happy Mother's Day again to all of you special women who have been called "Mom, Mommy, Mother, Go Go, GiGi, or Grandma" as well as those of you women who don't have children, but play a very special role in a child's life.
Last, but by no means least, a shout out today to Camden. Today is his 4th Birthday!!! It is so special to celebrate him on a special day for a Mom. In some ways he has been our most challenging, but on a day-to-day basis he is such a precious gift and sweet boy. I love his big brown eyes, his sweet smile, and every time he talks it makes me smile....love that kid's voice and his ability to be so articulate and ennunciate every word! He has been such a blessing to our family. I love that he gets much of his sensitivity from his dad, and that he is beginning to come into his own these last couple months. Although he still loves his superheroes and their figures, it has been fun to see him wanting to be outside and be "all boy". He loves shooting baskets in the backyard with his friends or with Cade, and he has enjoyed doing some pitch and catch with Cade. He's always a real trooper to let Brooklyn be the batter and he plays the outfield with Savannah! He is such a good little brother and big brother to his sisters. I am so proud of him and the big boy he is growing up to be. Looking at his fragile, stick-like figure, I don't see him playing in the NFL, but with his tender heart and willingness to love and chat with people, I really hope he grows up to be a man like his dad. Love you buddy!
Saturday, May 7, 2011
It's Been Almost a Week!
I decided to start a blog after a couple requests. This should allow you to hopefully keep up with baby updates and it allows me to share some of my thoughts about hospital life...listen to me, I already sound like I'm committed here forever! This has definitely been a trying time for me and our whole family. We have been so appreciative to the family and friends who have poured so much time, energy, and prayer to help us get through this.
A brief roundup: I have been in the hospital since Monday afternoon. I started at IU West in Avon and I was transferred via ambulance Monday late night to IU downtown. They started me on magnesium to stop the contractions. I was on the mag for about 2 1/2 days...long days feeling like my body was made of lead! However, the last couple days I have been back to my old self and I am even disconnected from my IV or any consistent monitoring. Unfortunately being dialated at 6 or 7 and 90% effaced with the bag of water ready to break, they can't feel safe allowing me to go home...so I'm stuck here until baby decides to make his/her breakthrough (literally)!
As much as this has required some physical endurance, I have moved past most of that, and I am now trying not to be emotionally and spiritually defeated. I am content with the fact that I am here most of the time alone. I have preferred that Cade spend as much time at home and work at this point for a sense of normalcy and peace (esp. for kids)...I know we will have plenty of days ahead with chaos and irregularity. I pass my days watching some T.V., reading (currently reading The Help), and spending time on the computer. I have appreciated random visitors and talking on the phone or fb to friends!
Insight to hospital life: My nurses have been fabulous. I have really enjoyed them all. I usually have nurses for 2 days or 2 nights in a row, then I'm on my my next set. They are so sweet and have been really encouraging. It's been a little bit of a struggle not having my own regular OB at this point. Every morning a team of doctors, med students, residents, etc..bombard my room around 8:30am to check in on me, and then at least two of them check in throughout the day. Honestly, the worst part of this stay has been the hospital food. In the past, I don't remember thinking it was so bad. However, lately I feel like I'm questioning whether I'm in a prison or nursing home instead of a hospital For example, I received my breakfast about an hour ago...Really, a green banana, warm milk for cereal, and the smell of opening the tray to a simple english muffin is almost unbearable. I still have my sense of smell, I still actually taste my food, and I contribute to society...shouldn't I get real food? You would think since it takes them an hour after you order to actually get the food to your room, that it would be fresh, but I'm starting to really think they've been watching that commericial where the guy goes around the hotel hallway to collect a nice breakfast from old room service trays for his wife. I know the ecomony is still difficult, so maybe this is how they are cutting costs? SO, if you decide you want to venture up here to visit me, it is an unwritten rule at this point that you should bring me something normal to eat...just kidding!
Well, I'm sure I'll have much more to say sooner than later.
A brief roundup: I have been in the hospital since Monday afternoon. I started at IU West in Avon and I was transferred via ambulance Monday late night to IU downtown. They started me on magnesium to stop the contractions. I was on the mag for about 2 1/2 days...long days feeling like my body was made of lead! However, the last couple days I have been back to my old self and I am even disconnected from my IV or any consistent monitoring. Unfortunately being dialated at 6 or 7 and 90% effaced with the bag of water ready to break, they can't feel safe allowing me to go home...so I'm stuck here until baby decides to make his/her breakthrough (literally)!
As much as this has required some physical endurance, I have moved past most of that, and I am now trying not to be emotionally and spiritually defeated. I am content with the fact that I am here most of the time alone. I have preferred that Cade spend as much time at home and work at this point for a sense of normalcy and peace (esp. for kids)...I know we will have plenty of days ahead with chaos and irregularity. I pass my days watching some T.V., reading (currently reading The Help), and spending time on the computer. I have appreciated random visitors and talking on the phone or fb to friends!
Insight to hospital life: My nurses have been fabulous. I have really enjoyed them all. I usually have nurses for 2 days or 2 nights in a row, then I'm on my my next set. They are so sweet and have been really encouraging. It's been a little bit of a struggle not having my own regular OB at this point. Every morning a team of doctors, med students, residents, etc..bombard my room around 8:30am to check in on me, and then at least two of them check in throughout the day. Honestly, the worst part of this stay has been the hospital food. In the past, I don't remember thinking it was so bad. However, lately I feel like I'm questioning whether I'm in a prison or nursing home instead of a hospital For example, I received my breakfast about an hour ago...Really, a green banana, warm milk for cereal, and the smell of opening the tray to a simple english muffin is almost unbearable. I still have my sense of smell, I still actually taste my food, and I contribute to society...shouldn't I get real food? You would think since it takes them an hour after you order to actually get the food to your room, that it would be fresh, but I'm starting to really think they've been watching that commericial where the guy goes around the hotel hallway to collect a nice breakfast from old room service trays for his wife. I know the ecomony is still difficult, so maybe this is how they are cutting costs? SO, if you decide you want to venture up here to visit me, it is an unwritten rule at this point that you should bring me something normal to eat...just kidding!
Well, I'm sure I'll have much more to say sooner than later.
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