I don't know about you, but whenever I used to see a baby (before having my own), I thought parenting was the most marvelous job in the world, and the hardest part would be to get up in the middle of the night, or to teach them to stay away from the stove, or maybe even potty-training. And although those have been trials, nothing is more painful to parents than watching the sin (we are all born with) rise up in our children. What is even more dreadful, is knowing that some of that sin is your own sin staring back at you.
I would prefer getting up every night at 2am over dealing with the tough love of parenting I had to deal with yesterday. Brooklyn has been planning her first sleepover for her 6th birthday party for the last few weeks. I will spare you the details, but because of a poor attitude and lack of obedience, I had to cancel the "slumber" part of the party. Now granted, I wasn't awful and didn't ruin her entire birthday, but it was the most difficult thing to follow through with such a consequence that would obviously hurt her. I cried (probably more than she did).
Before we had Brooklyn we sat through Shepherding a Child's Heart by Ted Tripp. Many people think the class' focus deals with spanking, but that is only the tip of the iceberg. The reasoning behind spanking ('cause ya can't spank forever ya know) is knowing that your child's heart is growing toward God. The purpose of spanking or any other discipline with the correct perspective, should not be to correct simply the behavior, but your child's heart. That's what I feel like I'm dealing with. Now really, Brooklyn is a sweet and kind little girl; obedient and loving, and does have a "good" heart. But, that heart is still growing and learning, and sometimes to do that it is simply required to be broken. I really want our children to know Jesus, and I think sometimes I've wanted them to see Him and how much He loves them by how I love them...but I'm realizing that, although we don't spoil our kids, I was trying to earn that love. I might be buying or doing for them to provide temporary happiness, but their true JOY must come from HIM alone. I cannot show them that, convince them of that, or give them that. It's so tough.
The part I mentioned before about watching your own sin stare you in the face is scary. I see the things that frustrate me about our children, and it's mostly the things I struggle with in my own life. I tell them not to wake up with a negative attitude, but there are surely days I am not the first ray of sunshine they see. I tell them not to be frustrated and control their emotion, yet there are often times I'm sighing, or giving "the look", or yelling, out of my own anger. I think I am mad at me because I can't be the person I want to be...you know, the person I've probably identified in previous posts that doesn't exist...but I think I want my kids to be that so they can live a "perfect life". Newsflash...that doesn't exist either, and neither do perfect kids. I need to face my own sin, my own faults, and my own emotions, and pray that those would be laid at the foot of the cross so that I can be an example of grace and love to my children. I'm the adult; the one with a relationship with Christ; the one who knows and understands the power of prayer; I'm their example, and I need to make changes.
Yesterday I kept telling myself I just wasn't any good at this parenting thing anymore. I've been blessed with four babies and fortunately am still enjoying little toes, giggles, and a person who doesn't talk, but only smiles at me and favors my touch over anyone else:) Ahhhh, that parenting I love. This older kid stuff is making me crazy and I'm trying to locate the equipment God hid somewhere in the house, so I can prepare myself to handle these emotional times and strong will (and she's only turning 6!). But, the more I had all these thoughts, the more I realized God gave me Brooklyn to grow her and love her. He gave her to me to teach me more about myself and where I need to grow; He gave her to me because He knew I would know how to love her, how to reach her, and how to help lead her to Him. I have to believe that. I have to believe that He has trusted me, and I have to trust in Him and not give up, on Him, or me, and especially not on her.
Parenting does hurt, but I know it is a marvelous privilege . I love all of our kids, and I know this is only the beginning of the trials and valleys that lie ahead. I know it will all be okay...and, of course, a good girl talk, a Starbucks, and a Pumpkin Pie blizzard have all helped ease the pain:) Have a great weekend!
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