Well, it's so quiet tonight at the house, I thought it would be a good time to blog! My days with Savannah seem never-ending with these terrible 2's. My other kids were not like her...let's just say she has her own sense of "spunk". Cade assures me she will one day be a very fun kid...I look very forward to that day because right now she is just a hot mess. I spend most of my days just putting out her fires and cleaning up her messes!
Brooklyn and I have been getting along well as we've started homeschooling this week. She is really trying hard and it's fun to watch her learn and process her work. I know one day she'll be out doing it on her own, but I love watching her confidence build and knowing that I am affirming her. Tonight I really got a glimpse that my once-baby is growing up...she lost her first tooth! I watcher her wiggle it, twist it, and the pull that sucker right out. I have never seen her so excited...it's a joy God gives us to see our children beam with happiness...what a gift:)
So what's really been on my mind? Well, the Goodwill commercial...I am THAT lady who is throwing her clothes out...my line, "Well, that fit...4 babies ago! This body will never be the same." I've realized most recently while doing the laundry that I sure do wear a lot of gray...and I think it's actually a reflection of how I've been feeling about myself. Now, I know I'm not obese and I just had a baby coming on 10 wks. ago, but my body image and self-esteem are struggling. I really worry that the confidence I once had will never return. It has made it hard to feel like myself and feel comfortable being around other people. In all honesty (because you know I'm honest here), my body image consumes me and has for many years. I mean, it's the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see at night. It's what I notice about other people. I sometimes secretly wish my tiny friends would eat a few more burgers, but mostly I just long to know the secrets God gave their metabolism since He seemed to skip over mine...or did He?
It's no lie that God created all of us in His image, so why do I struggle with this acceptance? Cade loves me and has never given me any reason to believe he doesn't have eyes for me; my kids love me and see me as Mom, not a marshmellow (oh, and Camden hasn't asked me anymore when the baby will come out of my belly again). I know my body, although less than stellar now, was intended to bear life to four marvelous miracles. I know that it has carried them, nourished them, and well, we won't say held them to term because that just wouldn't be true...but this bod's earned a good B+ for her effort! My body has had the strength to push them out and then heal from all that trauma. God made a woman's body special...if I could only see it in the mirror.
I know some of you don't struggle with this, but maybe it's not about your weight, but something else. There's surely something in all of us that we fail to see as beautiful. I'm working hard mentally, emotionally, and spiritually to accept who I am. You'd think by 32 I would know this. It's an insecurity I've carried as a burden for many years. I'm getting vulnerable with you so that you know you're not alone. I think some people look at other women and think, "Wow, she's got it all together." I've done that, and I've also learned that there is no perfect woman. God gives us all our little "hang up"...I'm trying to understand how to handle it (and others I'll take up with God later)?
There's something in me that longs to feel comfortable in my own skin and to be all God has intended for me to be. I'm really feeling guilty through much of this though because God definitely doesn't look at anything but the heart. Unfortunately sometimes I have heart failure. I've let my outside determine my inside, which in turn, has kept me back from fully using the gifts He's given me. I have a goal now though and have been getting back into the groove of exercising and making a point to be healthy and strong for our children, and so I let God see that He made me more than a body, but a woman with a passion to serve people. I know I can do it, and whatever your "hang up" is, you can overcome it too:)
Beautiful by Bethany Dillon (song)
No comments:
Post a Comment