32 weeks today!

    I made it a whole week, which means so much less time in the NICU for this baby.  I am so grateful that God is trying to make this baby as healthy and prepared as possible so he/she can join our family and come home from the hospital as quickly as possible.
    I don't even know at this point how many people are reading the blog, but it's a good place for me to journal my journey through this...on good and bad days.  It's only 8am and I've already had a meltdown this morning.  I want to be so strong and handle this so well, but sometimes I'm not sure I can do this.  What through me for a loop?  I don't want to sound like everything I talk about revolves around food, but this morning I ordered French Toast for breakfast.  When my meal was brought to me at least an hour later, my milk was warm and they only gave me a piece of wheat toast.  If it was good toast, and more than one piece of bread, I probably could have coped, but it just set me off.  It didn't even seem worth it to call and complain because I'd just end up waiting another 45 min.  I'm realizing the little freedoms that I have at home are all gone...getting my own food from what I bought at the store, picking out my own clothes, feeling outside air,  etc...I am so appreciative of how people want to help, and so many people have spoiled me rotten, but when something is slightly off, I feel so selfish and unappreciative.  No one else can read my mind and expectations (which tend to fall in the category of perfectionism), but it's hard to not have control even over the smallest things I'm used to caring for for myself.  I know I must sound crazy!
  I'm wondering if God is stretching me over the edge this time?  Through all my other bedrest episodes with the other kids, I've struggled with this.   Just having others care for me/us, even with the best of intentions, can make me on edge...what is He wanting me to let go of this time?  I feel like I've come along way, and now He's gotten me extremely out of control....where is He going with me?  I feel like this is a day to search and discover His Word.
  I know at this point I've probably scared many of you who have any desire to help.  Again, we are so grateful and appreciative of all everyone has done...it's surely not an issue about your desire to serve and give, but God's intention to help me see the eternal things of this world and not be consumed by control.  It's about me continuing to let go as He prepares me for the challenging year I have ahead...having 4 kids, homeschooling, MOPS, etc...all things He has laid on my heart to do, so this is my "training school".  Boot camp is no fun for anyone, but I know it tends to break people down and then build them up, so I'm just waiting to get to the good part (when baby gets here!).  I get excited at the possibility that every day I might be meeting this new baby boy/girl.  It's only been almost 2 1/2 years but I miss the comfort of holding that little person in my arms.
  So as not to make this all a negative post, I had a great evening with family celebrating Mother's Day and Camden's birthday.  He is just the sweetest boy EVER and I love him so much.  Since I shared so much about him yesterday, I thought today I'd briefly share about my girls.  Brooklyn is such a first born (which almost scares me how much of myself I see in her).  She is a pretty good helper around the house and is always willing to make a sacrifice to keep Camden or Savannah from throwing a fit.  She loves to draw and I think expresses herself a lot in that way...she especially finds much of her attention coming in her artwork as she seeks that sense of accomplishment and approval.  I am really looking forward to homeschooling her next year.  I think it will be an opportunity and special time for she and I to connect.   She is an eager learner and wants to please, so I'm praying that all falls into place as we start school!  Savannah is my mama's girl.  The things that she has been saying and expressing about how much she misses me at home breaks my heart, but also makes me realize how much she still needs me.  Every time she comes to the hospital, I see how much more she is speaking, and she cracks me up at the things she says.  Last night, I think she was a little jealous about Camden's Spiderman balloon.  She said, "Dora balloon at my party!"  To think her little mind is already planning ahead.  It's so fun to watch their little minds develop feelings, reasoning skills, and understand really what is going on.  One of my favorite parts of last night was Savannah laying in my hospital bed and I was laying next to her.  She kept putting her arm around my neck and squeezing me close to her saying, "Love you too, Mommy".  I wish she could just stay here with me...I would be willing to watch Dora all day for that (well, maybe not ALL day).  My girls are so precious and I love that they love sharing a room together and that I can simply see the loving relationship growing between them. 
  Well, I think I feel a bit better after taking some time to write.  At this point I feel like I should delete the beginning of my post so no one really sees my struggles, but that wouldn't be truthful.  I've received many emails from people saying they admire my strength, etc...As much as I want to claim that proudly, I can't deny that it comes from the trials, which are often tears behind closed doors...and it's important to see that too.  People don't become strong, wise, experts, etc...because God just made them that way; it's all because He's put them through the rough times so they lean into Him.  So really, we're seeing His strengths in the gaps of our weakness, not necessarily a person unmoved by that challenges in front of her.  Have a great week ahead!