I love Moms!

  We are right around the corner from a new MOPS year.  I am so excited to be a part of another wonderful leadership team.  Each woman brings so many unique gifts to the table to offer.  I must say that I am so blessed to be around creative geniuses, couponing queens, discount divas, prayer warriors, and mentor moms---all who have touched me and helped me to learn and grow as a mom, wife, and woman. 

  I think moms are the coolest people around...really!  I know we can also be the most stressed and the least made-up (with our hair pulled back, no make-up, and clothes that hide whatever muffin top some of us still have), but we can also be the most fun and most real (when we choose to anyway).  I always look forward to my time at MOPS.  I consider myself to be pretty open and transparent about the things I struggle with and the mistakes I've made as a mom.  Who knew there would be a whole meeting where I could share all of these things with other moms?  I love it!  I love sharing these mishaps (and the good mom stuff too) with moms because whether you're a mom of 1 or 4 or 7, you're a mom who will make mistakes...no mom is perfect.  I know there are moms out there that I put on a pedestal and I shouldn't.  She has off days too...days that her kids cry at the store, they don't listen and obey, and days that she questions, "Are these kids really mine?"   

  When I first became pregnant with Brooklyn, I started reading (mom/new parent books)...and then I stopped!  Everyone and everything in those books were giving me a complex.  I learned and continue to learn most of my mothering from watching other moms and asking questions.  That's why I love to share with moms.  The only way we can learn and grow in this area is to be truly real with one another.  To know that we all fail on a daily basis...sure, we all want to be that mom who breaks out her perfect picnic basket at the playdate full of sandwiches that include lettuce, carrots that our kids will eat with out ranch, and an entire fruit tray...but, I know I'm not.  I'm lucky to get my kids to engage in eating a 1/2 of a sandwich with peanut butter and some kind of fruit, but surely we know they simply are choking it down to get the chips and chocolate chip cookie they know I brought!  

  Unfortunately, our life isn't the Brady Bunch where things resolve themselves quickly, and everyone, including Alice (who has an Alice these days anyway?), is just a happy camper.  We sure have an Oscar the Grouch around here every day, and sometimes it's even me.  There just isn't a perfect family, a perfect mom, or perfect kids.  For some reasons I still find myself with the expectation that this will happen, but each time I'm disappointed.  For instance, in my mind, when we started homeschooling, I was certain that we would gather at the table each morning and do a family devotion, say the pledge, read our verse, do the calendar and weather, and the kids would work wonderfully and diligently as I taught them new things each day...REALITY:  Brooklyn and I are able to complete her schoolwork successfully, but there are times I'm holding Ellie while teaching, we've only said the pledge 3-4 times in the last 2 weeks, we've only done 2 family devotions, and I encourage T.V. watching, Wii playing, and computer time for Camden and Savannah just so I can get the work done!  Now, that to say, I have loved homeschooling and I know over time we will all adjust and I can make our time and schedule more productive and efficient as we move forward, but I had to jump in with two feet and try before I could make those adjustments and learn where our weaknesses were. 

  Anyway, back to MOPS...Two years ago, a MOPS speaker challenged us to find our passion.  I really thought about that...hard.  Of course, my family is my passion, but outside of that I realized that I loved moms.  I love spending time with other moms, encouraging other moms, and helping moms to realize they are not alone in this journey (it's kind of like No Child Left Behind...No Mom Left Behind).  When I first had Brooklyn, I did feel alone.  I thought I was the only one whose baby didn't sleep well, or the only mom who found she couldn't breastfeed.   Little thoughts like that can drive a woman crazy...no woman really wants to be alone...I mean, don't get me wrong, I love to be alone (in peace and quiet), but not alone too long with my thoughts, because I know I can drag myself down to believing I'm not good enough.  

  As usual, I think this post has been all over the place, but I am so excited that MOPS begins this next week.  I would encourage all moms to find other moms to get together with...it doesn't have to be MOPS...it can be with your neighbors, church friends, etc..., but don't be alone.  Don't be afraid of that "perfect mom" you see walking in the grocery with her kids waddling quietly behind her, not knocking anything off the shelves (she surely drugged them or threatened their life before they left the van)....that mom doesn't exist.  And if you're reading this and you need a mom friend, let me know, and we'll schedule a playdate!

Feeling a little Gray

  Well, it's so quiet tonight at the house, I thought it would be a good time to blog!  My days with Savannah seem never-ending with these terrible 2's.  My other kids were not like her...let's just say she has her own sense of "spunk".  Cade assures me she will one day be a very fun kid...I look very forward to that day because right now she is just a hot mess.  I spend most of my days just putting out her fires and cleaning up her messes! 

  Brooklyn and I have been getting along well as we've started homeschooling this week.  She is really trying hard and it's fun to watch her learn and process her work.  I know one day she'll be out doing it on her own, but I love watching her confidence build and knowing that I am affirming her.  Tonight I really got a glimpse that my once-baby is growing up...she lost her first tooth!  I watcher her wiggle it, twist it, and the pull that sucker right out.  I have never seen her so excited...it's a joy God gives us to see our children beam with happiness...what a gift:)

  So what's really been on my mind?  Well, the Goodwill commercial...I am THAT lady who is throwing her clothes out...my line, "Well, that fit...4 babies ago!  This body will never be the same."  I've realized most recently while doing the laundry that I sure do wear a lot of gray...and I think it's actually a reflection of how I've been feeling about myself.  Now, I know I'm not obese and I just had a baby coming on 10 wks. ago, but my body image and self-esteem are struggling.  I really worry that the confidence I once had will never  return.  It has made it hard to feel like myself and feel comfortable being around other people.  In all honesty (because you know I'm honest here), my body image consumes me and has for many years.  I mean, it's the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see at night.  It's what I notice about other people.  I sometimes secretly wish my tiny friends would eat a few more burgers, but mostly I just long to know the secrets God gave their metabolism since He seemed to skip over mine...or did He? 

  It's no lie that God created all of us in His image, so why do I struggle with this acceptance?  Cade loves me and has never given me any reason to believe he doesn't have eyes for me; my kids love me and see me as Mom, not a marshmellow (oh, and Camden hasn't asked me anymore when the baby will come out of my belly again).  I know my body, although less than stellar now, was intended to bear life to four marvelous miracles.  I know that it has carried them, nourished them, and well, we won't say held them to term because that just wouldn't be true...but this bod's earned a good B+ for her effort!  My body has had the strength to push them out and then heal from all that trauma. God made a woman's body special...if I could only see it in the mirror.

  I know some of you don't struggle with this, but maybe it's not about your weight, but something else.  There's surely something in all of us that we fail to see as beautiful.  I'm working hard mentally, emotionally, and spiritually to accept who I am.  You'd think by 32 I would know this.  It's an insecurity I've carried as a burden for many years.  I'm getting vulnerable with you so that you know you're not alone.  I think some people look at other women and think, "Wow, she's got it all together."  I've done that, and I've also learned that there is no perfect woman.  God gives us all our little "hang up"...I'm trying to understand how to handle it (and others I'll take up with God later)?

   There's something in me that longs to feel comfortable in my own skin and to be all God has intended for me to be.  I'm really feeling guilty through much of this though because God definitely doesn't look at anything but the heart.  Unfortunately sometimes I have heart failure.  I've let my outside determine my inside, which in turn, has kept me back from fully using the gifts He's given me.  I have a goal  now though and have been getting back into the groove of exercising and making a point to be healthy and strong for our children, and so I let God see that He made me more than a body, but a woman with a passion to serve people.  I know I can do it, and whatever your "hang up" is, you can overcome it too:)

Beautiful by Bethany Dillon  (song)

School's in Session

  Wow, I can't believe tomorrow we start school.  I'm a little nervous about what the year will bring.  Homeschooling was never on my radar when we planned to have a family, but here we are!  Even though I have the first day jitters, I'm pretty excited to get things underway.  I'm praying this is a great opportunity to give our family back some structure since Ellie's been born.  We're so close to getting back into routine and back in a rhythm.  It's been a crazy summer, and I'm honestly not sure where it went?  I'm also praying that this is a time that I can grow closer to Brooklyn.  The poor girl is dying for my attention, and I know as much as she loves her siblings, she really needs that one-on-one time with me.  I'm hoping this will be times of positive reinforcement and that God gives me grace in all circumstances...especially in this first week.  It will be challenging to play both the teacher role and Mommy role, but I've watched many moms do it, so I know there will be a way.

  Through all of the decisions we have made over the past year, I'm so thankful that Cade has jumped on board with everything.  I know he was hesitant at first, but I am grateful he considered my concerns and desires and took the time to talk with other homeschool husbands, and even attended the Homeschool Convention!  I think we both know this is a trial year and one year at time is what we've agreed to...and even if I have them home for one more year, I'm thankful (but don't ask me about that in January!).  I'm also happy my family has responded well.  I know not everyone thinks we're making the "right" decision, but everyone has been supportive, so I hope they will see the fruit.  I hope the see the confidence that needs to build up in Brooklyn...and I hope we can all help her become who God has intended for her to be!

  On an unrelated note, these last couple weeks I've seen and heard of a lot of tragedy.  I know all of the families who are suffering (although not well), but all have involved children.  It has made me appreciate my own children, but I feel so much guilt.  God has given me such a gift in my children and I'm not always sure I take care of that gift the way He had intended.  In all transparency, I don't think I'll be winning the "Patient Mom of the Year" award and I'm glad I was recently reminded about the gift of grace.  So many children are effected by the loss of a parent, or parents are effected by the loss or illness of children.  I'm so blessed to have healthy children...they're here right in front of me...I need to take advantage of that.  Yes, they need to learn to play independently...have imaginations, etc., etc, etc...BUT I need to BE with them.  I need to take more opportunities to read to them, play a game, draw a picture, give a hug, a smooch, and affirm them--tell them I love them and tell them Jesus loves them.  I want to be a woman of grace and excellence...a woman my children look at and want to be near...and I still have some work to go in this area.  I have been praying for my friends who have or are suffering loss in their lives right now.  I'm praying that they heal quickly, knowing that life here is not our home.  And although their loss or trial is difficult, it has been used to show people like me that our life here is temporary and not only will I and my children be gone, but that knowing that, I have little time to show my children love so that I might leave an eternal legacy for them...leaving something to them that is more important than Disney world, game systems, or the size of our house.  I hope that on the day that we part, whenever that may be, that they knew Christ because they saw Him in me.

  Well, when I started blogging tonight I didn't think I'd have much to say.  I was excited to begin a new week and a new adventure.  I guess I've been thinking a lot this week too.  God has definitely put a lot on my heart and probably in good timing--starting tomorrow I have the opportunity to really have an impact in the lives of my children.  I hope He will be glorified in all of it!

God as Father

   I welcome the new day...it's beautiful this morning.  I feel like life has been out of control lately.  The kids seem to have forgotten what it means to obey the first time they're asked, what it means to be kind to one another, and how to serve one another and help around the house.  To be honest, I've felt like a failure.  I feel like the tone of my voice is angry and I have been less than Christ's example of love for my children.  How will they know Him if I'm not reflecting who He really is?  I want so much for them to know Him, but I feel like I am holding them back...they are a reflection of me, and I'm not being a reflection of Him.

  When I woke up this morning, I appreciated that it was a day to start over.  Each day His mercies are anew, and this morning I realized mine were too for my children.  I wanted to give them a fresh start, a day to have another chance to do the right things and feel forgiven.  The more I learn and grow as a parent, the more I feel like I understand God.  I think every parent could tell you that as soon as they become pregnant or deliver and see their new baby, they have a better understanding of Christ's overwhelming love.  You would do anything for that child to protect them, and you desire the best for their life.  I want the best for my children...not in terms of materialism, vacations, etc..., but to help them understand how to invest for their eternal lives by building relationships, serving others, and giving generously.  So, my frustrations come from times when I feel like we're teaching  and modeling those things, and the fruit is slow to grow.

  I think God sent Jesus so He would understand us, and I think He gave us children so we would understand Him.  I spend every day wondering why I can't get through to my kids...why don't they want to give to each other instead of being selfish and teasing; why don't they obey immediately instead of trying to find their way around their chores or the task at hand; and why is everything ever enough?  But the more I have thought about this, aren't I like that with God?  I'm always wanting more, and life's circumstances have never been "perfect" enough for me.  God has made many roads clear, and I have clearly chosen at times to follow down a different path, thinking my way was best.  And, I have certainly been selfish with my time and possessions with friends, my spouse, and my children.  Isn't God exhausted and tired of me?  But like I said earlier, His mercies are new every day and I feel that.  I feel forgiven, and loved, and like I get to start over.  And I want to be that way for my children.

  Parenting definitely gets more and more challenging every day.  And we only have 4 kids...I can't imagine the exhaustion God feels!  I guess what I'm trying to say, and what I learning, is that when I'm so frustrated with my kids, it's an opportunity to pray.  It's time to think about what I've done and where I've fallen and how I've been forgiven.  It's a chance to give my kids the grace they deserve because I've been overwhelmed by that grace time and time again.  I hope in recognizing this I can become a better mom and a better reflection of Christ...the Christ I want my kids to know and see in me.

Love...What a Beautiful Gift

   God has graciously given us the gift of love.  We often use the word love so loosely...like I love McDonald's Cokes, cookies, summertime, friends, etc...  But, love should not be used so casually when speaking about the people in our lives He has blessed us with.  Since 1997, I knew I loved Cade.  There was just something about this guy that fulfilled all I was looking for in a husband...and if we're being honest, he didn't and couldn't match up to everything, but all of who he was, was enough for me!  And 10 years ago today we were married!!  There is nothing better than marrying someone who grew to be your best friend...and continues to be that same best friend to this very day.

   I could fill pages about our relationship and the strength is has gained over these past 10 years.  We've had trials like any other couple.  We've made life-changing decisions, career decisions, family decisions, etc...together.  We laugh often and still tell each other jokes.  We confide in one another and become vulnerable when it comes to sharing our own insecurities.  We watch our kids and then look at each other in smile...I think both knowing "we created these beautiful people" (well, they're beautiful in those moments...the other times we look at each other I think we're thinking "why did we create these people?" ...just kidding!)

   A lot of other couples do these things and have these feelings too, but through all of it, what makes it most satisfying is that we have found faith, hope, and joy because we have Jesus as our foundation.  We've celebrated and struggled but always knew He was there with us.  Without this faith in Christ we could have traveled through dark, scary alleys instead of just falling in a small pothole.  Marriage is wonderful, but it's not easy and something to be worked on and through everyday.

  I love Cade more and more each day.  It's a gift to know him, a gift to be with him, and an even greater gift to know I get to spend the rest of my life with him!  Love you babe!

June vs. Jill

  So, last night I was having a June Cleaver moment as I baked my cookies...well, the more I think about it, it wasn't like June Cleaver would have experienced at all!  I didn't wear an apron, rather, the sweat pouring from my brow, from not just baking cookies, but the 20 other things I was doing as well.  I don't think the Beaver or Wally stood in line asking for chunks of cookie dough as a little treat, and I never saw June wearing a Baby Bjorn in any episode while baking either?  Yes, June was a great mother, so well-tempered and self-controlled, and always seemed organized and put-together, and I often look around and see "June Cleavers" at church, in the grocery store, the library, etc...buuuuuuuutttt, that's a far cry from what I experience day-to-day as a mom of four.  I've realized I'm putting these other women on a pedestal (and am sinfully jealous), and trying to be that woman instead of who God made me...hot mess and all!  So, over the course of this week, I have been laughing to myself about the things that happen and I realize it's because I'm a mom, and there's just craziness that comes with it!  These aren't always things I'm proud of (by any means), or things I'd choose to converse about over a nice dinner with friends I'm trying to impress, but just things a mom, or anyone who knows a mom well, would understand.  So, here's my list of reasons I know I'm a mom (in no particular order!):

1.  As I've been trying to REALLY organize the house AGAIN to get ready for homeschooling, I've realized that some people have "junk drawers", but I have junk drawers, a junk closet, and just junk EVERYWHERE!

2.  I've started working out again in the last couple weeks.  I've realized I am the lady in the Goodwill commercial who will never fit into many of my clothes again.  I mean, baby #3 took me over the edge, and well, this baby #4 just killed my body!

3.  Speaking of working out, can any mom really do such a thing anymore without wetting herself just a little?  Not to mention sneeze, cough, or be startled suddenly?

4.  This week I was trying to get a lot accomplished without much success (imagine that?).  Last night I found myself making a "to do" list of things I'd already done just so I could cross things off and feel like I did something this week!

5.  I love listening to my music and singing in the van (by myself!).  However, there is nothing more wasteful in the sense of that time than when I find myself riding in the van (by myself), and for the first 15 minutes, listening to children's music and singing along....ahhhh!

6.  I have to admit....there is something sad about yelling at your kids to stop yelling!!

7.  I try to put in place a lot of "systems", routines, new rules, etc... that only last a day or two...it's hard to find order and consistency in motherhood...still working on it!

8.  My kids sometimes (ok, more than sometimes) don't eat fruits and veggies at every meal and sometimes (ok, lots of times) I feel like a made-to-order cook.  This is something I'm definitely wanting to work on, and for this reason,  it makes dinnertime one of my least favorite times of the day (when it should be one of the most valued).  With all of the kids at their ages (which shouldn't be an excuse, I know), I sometimes feel like we're even eating in shifts (but, honestly, we do almost always eat together as a family every night).  Mealtime is definitely something we're working on in our house.

9.  On the contrary, one of my favorite moments of the day is bedtime...not actually the kids bedtime, but my bedtime.  I love looking in on the kids and seeing them sleeping peacefully.  And honestly, it's not always because they're sleeping peacefully, but simply because they're ASLEEP and it's peaceful!!

10.  I struggle every day to know if  I'm doing a good job and the right things for my family.  Am I showing them Christ's love through my words and actions...am I an example to them?  Am I spending enough time with them as a group or one-on-one?  Do they know they're loved for who they are or am I making them feel like they're not good enough?  Am I making a safe environment for them--to speak to me and share their thoughts and fears?  I think these are the thoughts that make me a mom more than anything...the thoughts that run through my mind (from Satan, of course) that make me doubt that God gave me this family because He knew I could do it...He knew I could love them and care for them as He would (ok, ok, He would do a much better job, and surely wouldn't wet His pants, but you get it). 

  Looking forward to a new week full of hope... hope that I can work on each of these things, but still find joy in the valleys and in all the work God has set before me.  More than anything, through my family and in this work, I am finding the rough patches in my own life...the things that are holding me back from being the mom, wife, and woman God desires me to be.  But, each day I get a new chance to make better decisions for Him and in Him.  Praise Him!

It's Been Going...

   Well, it's been way to long since my last post!   I've actually attempted to start this blog entry a couple times, but get interrupted, and by the time I get another opportunity, a few days have passed and the deep thought I had has turned into a mist...as do most thoughts these days...last week @ church someone asked me Ellie's middle name, and I couldn't even tell them until after a good minute!!   Finding some quiet time is rare these days and I've actually been using any of that time I have to read...I feel like I've been reading a lot lately...and reading for ME, not how to be a better mom or better at anything for that matter, but just books that are inspiring me, and, in turn, are hopefully making me a better wife, mom, and woman of God.  I am currently reading a book called Cold Tangerines.  I've enjoyed this book so much and I would say it's one of my favorites!  I feel that the author writes similar to my style of writing, which has made my wheels turn as to what God has over the horizon for me.  Writing has always been a passion of mine and one of the main reasons for my degree in English in my undergrad, but I've always found it hard to paper and pencil journal, yet blogging seems to have caught me this time and hopefully I can keep up with it.  Books ideas are always spinning, but I still don't have the confidence that I have enough of anything to share.  Being in the hospital, blogging seemed to have allowed me to be transparent and really share the good, the bad, and the very ugly parts of me...but as I also shared, it's allowed me to dive deeper into myself and realize the parts of me that need to be worked on and grow in this journey of motherhood.  I've realized my selfish tendencies, my maternal instinct to protect, and the importance of a strong and healthy marriage with a dose of good girlfriend nights at Starbucks!
   Ellie is now 5 weeks old and about 8 lbs.  She is such a sweet baby and very good.  The kids have done really well with her and can't walk past her without touching her or kissing on her...they love her, and I can't wait until she can join in their little "gang"...although I can wait on one more kiddo to have to referee!   I feel like I'm doing really well so far in balancing everything and keeping my sanity.  I suffered from post-partum anxiety with the other three, but this time around has been different for some reason...whatever the reason, I am grateful.  Post-partum is nothing I have ever been ashamed of, and I try to tell other women they shouldn't either.  We're wearing a lot of hats as moms and balancing it all can sometimes be a little overwhelming.
  Over the course of the last couple weeks, I've talked with a few mom friends that I'm still getting to know.  I always feel refreshed and normalized after meeting with other moms.  I realize I'm not the only one who is particular about the small things.  For example, my dear husband was so willing to put the sheets on the kids' beds as I was feeding Ellie and the other kids were heading to bed.  When I went in to check on Camden as I was finally going to bed at 1am with Ellie, I noticed that the characters on his bed were upside down...ahhhhh!!  I've really tried to let go of these little things, but  I very much wanted to pull Camden out of bed and fix them!  You will be proud of me to know that I didn't, but it took me awhile to make myself fall asleep and forget about the sheets.  I did, however, fix them the next morning, and calmly explained to Cade, in the most gracious way, as to how to put on the sheets...he laughed at my craziness and offered to get me some counseling (btw, we were both laughing!). 
  I've also talked with a mom who has only made me more passionate about my role in MOPS.  So many moms, including myself, just aren't feeling great about themselves.  The guilt piles up all day long when we're dealing with little ones and we just never feel good enough to meet all their needs...and often they let us know that...regardless of how irrational that need is!  For instance, the other night we let them stay up a little longer and watch Wipeout.  I came downstairs at about 8:02 and turned it on.  Brooklyn came down at 8:03 and seems to think  I can rewind time, or that her life is over because she missed two minutes of the show...does she not understand we don't have DVR and that it's not the end of the world?  No, she stomps to the couch and pouts, blaming me (of course, THE MOM) that she missed someone falling into goop!  Sometimes if I'm grumpy at the end of the day, I look back at the day and realize that all I've said is "No", "don't do that!", "ok, you need to sit here for timeout", etc...everything seems negative.  We are home to build our children up, and I know we are, but the times we have to discipline and correct, often make our hearts heavy.  I love being a part of MOPS and being able to talk and create an environment that encourages moms.  I love being a mom.  I love other moms and want them to see the importance of their role as mom even in the midst of 5 yr. old demands and attitude, 4 yr. old whining, 2 yr. old ornryness, and a crying newborn (ok, well, that's where I'm at!).  We are all in this together (HS Musical reference),  and we need each other to feel normal, encouraged, and to lean on.
   It's with a happy heart that I know I'm in His plan and not my own.  I know my time here is limited and I'm looking for ways to make an impact on my children.  Right now, with some neighbor girlfriends, I'm study How to be a Woman of Excellence.  I'm really being convicted as to how to grow as a mom, wife, and woman.  It's so hard...I mess up every day...but the good news is that He loves us,  He forgives us, and their is HOPE that comes with each day.  I'm trying, as I'm sure many of you are, to be better FOR Him and IN Him.  In thanks to many of you for the prayers I have coveted for the last few months, I am now praying for you...you moms (and dads if any guys are really reading this) that are struggling right now to know how God is using you and what He desires for you.  Please feel free to email me or FB me and let me know how I can be specifically praying for your needs.  Love you all!