It's Been Going...

   Well, it's been way to long since my last post!   I've actually attempted to start this blog entry a couple times, but get interrupted, and by the time I get another opportunity, a few days have passed and the deep thought I had has turned into a mist...as do most thoughts these days...last week @ church someone asked me Ellie's middle name, and I couldn't even tell them until after a good minute!!   Finding some quiet time is rare these days and I've actually been using any of that time I have to read...I feel like I've been reading a lot lately...and reading for ME, not how to be a better mom or better at anything for that matter, but just books that are inspiring me, and, in turn, are hopefully making me a better wife, mom, and woman of God.  I am currently reading a book called Cold Tangerines.  I've enjoyed this book so much and I would say it's one of my favorites!  I feel that the author writes similar to my style of writing, which has made my wheels turn as to what God has over the horizon for me.  Writing has always been a passion of mine and one of the main reasons for my degree in English in my undergrad, but I've always found it hard to paper and pencil journal, yet blogging seems to have caught me this time and hopefully I can keep up with it.  Books ideas are always spinning, but I still don't have the confidence that I have enough of anything to share.  Being in the hospital, blogging seemed to have allowed me to be transparent and really share the good, the bad, and the very ugly parts of me...but as I also shared, it's allowed me to dive deeper into myself and realize the parts of me that need to be worked on and grow in this journey of motherhood.  I've realized my selfish tendencies, my maternal instinct to protect, and the importance of a strong and healthy marriage with a dose of good girlfriend nights at Starbucks!
   Ellie is now 5 weeks old and about 8 lbs.  She is such a sweet baby and very good.  The kids have done really well with her and can't walk past her without touching her or kissing on her...they love her, and I can't wait until she can join in their little "gang"...although I can wait on one more kiddo to have to referee!   I feel like I'm doing really well so far in balancing everything and keeping my sanity.  I suffered from post-partum anxiety with the other three, but this time around has been different for some reason...whatever the reason, I am grateful.  Post-partum is nothing I have ever been ashamed of, and I try to tell other women they shouldn't either.  We're wearing a lot of hats as moms and balancing it all can sometimes be a little overwhelming.
  Over the course of the last couple weeks, I've talked with a few mom friends that I'm still getting to know.  I always feel refreshed and normalized after meeting with other moms.  I realize I'm not the only one who is particular about the small things.  For example, my dear husband was so willing to put the sheets on the kids' beds as I was feeding Ellie and the other kids were heading to bed.  When I went in to check on Camden as I was finally going to bed at 1am with Ellie, I noticed that the characters on his bed were upside down...ahhhhh!!  I've really tried to let go of these little things, but  I very much wanted to pull Camden out of bed and fix them!  You will be proud of me to know that I didn't, but it took me awhile to make myself fall asleep and forget about the sheets.  I did, however, fix them the next morning, and calmly explained to Cade, in the most gracious way, as to how to put on the sheets...he laughed at my craziness and offered to get me some counseling (btw, we were both laughing!). 
  I've also talked with a mom who has only made me more passionate about my role in MOPS.  So many moms, including myself, just aren't feeling great about themselves.  The guilt piles up all day long when we're dealing with little ones and we just never feel good enough to meet all their needs...and often they let us know that...regardless of how irrational that need is!  For instance, the other night we let them stay up a little longer and watch Wipeout.  I came downstairs at about 8:02 and turned it on.  Brooklyn came down at 8:03 and seems to think  I can rewind time, or that her life is over because she missed two minutes of the show...does she not understand we don't have DVR and that it's not the end of the world?  No, she stomps to the couch and pouts, blaming me (of course, THE MOM) that she missed someone falling into goop!  Sometimes if I'm grumpy at the end of the day, I look back at the day and realize that all I've said is "No", "don't do that!", "ok, you need to sit here for timeout", etc...everything seems negative.  We are home to build our children up, and I know we are, but the times we have to discipline and correct, often make our hearts heavy.  I love being a part of MOPS and being able to talk and create an environment that encourages moms.  I love being a mom.  I love other moms and want them to see the importance of their role as mom even in the midst of 5 yr. old demands and attitude, 4 yr. old whining, 2 yr. old ornryness, and a crying newborn (ok, well, that's where I'm at!).  We are all in this together (HS Musical reference),  and we need each other to feel normal, encouraged, and to lean on.
   It's with a happy heart that I know I'm in His plan and not my own.  I know my time here is limited and I'm looking for ways to make an impact on my children.  Right now, with some neighbor girlfriends, I'm study How to be a Woman of Excellence.  I'm really being convicted as to how to grow as a mom, wife, and woman.  It's so hard...I mess up every day...but the good news is that He loves us,  He forgives us, and their is HOPE that comes with each day.  I'm trying, as I'm sure many of you are, to be better FOR Him and IN Him.  In thanks to many of you for the prayers I have coveted for the last few months, I am now praying for you...you moms (and dads if any guys are really reading this) that are struggling right now to know how God is using you and what He desires for you.  Please feel free to email me or FB me and let me know how I can be specifically praying for your needs.  Love you all!