God as Father

   I welcome the new day...it's beautiful this morning.  I feel like life has been out of control lately.  The kids seem to have forgotten what it means to obey the first time they're asked, what it means to be kind to one another, and how to serve one another and help around the house.  To be honest, I've felt like a failure.  I feel like the tone of my voice is angry and I have been less than Christ's example of love for my children.  How will they know Him if I'm not reflecting who He really is?  I want so much for them to know Him, but I feel like I am holding them back...they are a reflection of me, and I'm not being a reflection of Him.

  When I woke up this morning, I appreciated that it was a day to start over.  Each day His mercies are anew, and this morning I realized mine were too for my children.  I wanted to give them a fresh start, a day to have another chance to do the right things and feel forgiven.  The more I learn and grow as a parent, the more I feel like I understand God.  I think every parent could tell you that as soon as they become pregnant or deliver and see their new baby, they have a better understanding of Christ's overwhelming love.  You would do anything for that child to protect them, and you desire the best for their life.  I want the best for my children...not in terms of materialism, vacations, etc..., but to help them understand how to invest for their eternal lives by building relationships, serving others, and giving generously.  So, my frustrations come from times when I feel like we're teaching  and modeling those things, and the fruit is slow to grow.

  I think God sent Jesus so He would understand us, and I think He gave us children so we would understand Him.  I spend every day wondering why I can't get through to my kids...why don't they want to give to each other instead of being selfish and teasing; why don't they obey immediately instead of trying to find their way around their chores or the task at hand; and why is everything ever enough?  But the more I have thought about this, aren't I like that with God?  I'm always wanting more, and life's circumstances have never been "perfect" enough for me.  God has made many roads clear, and I have clearly chosen at times to follow down a different path, thinking my way was best.  And, I have certainly been selfish with my time and possessions with friends, my spouse, and my children.  Isn't God exhausted and tired of me?  But like I said earlier, His mercies are new every day and I feel that.  I feel forgiven, and loved, and like I get to start over.  And I want to be that way for my children.

  Parenting definitely gets more and more challenging every day.  And we only have 4 kids...I can't imagine the exhaustion God feels!  I guess what I'm trying to say, and what I learning, is that when I'm so frustrated with my kids, it's an opportunity to pray.  It's time to think about what I've done and where I've fallen and how I've been forgiven.  It's a chance to give my kids the grace they deserve because I've been overwhelmed by that grace time and time again.  I hope in recognizing this I can become a better mom and a better reflection of Christ...the Christ I want my kids to know and see in me.

Love...What a Beautiful Gift

   God has graciously given us the gift of love.  We often use the word love so loosely...like I love McDonald's Cokes, cookies, summertime, friends, etc...  But, love should not be used so casually when speaking about the people in our lives He has blessed us with.  Since 1997, I knew I loved Cade.  There was just something about this guy that fulfilled all I was looking for in a husband...and if we're being honest, he didn't and couldn't match up to everything, but all of who he was, was enough for me!  And 10 years ago today we were married!!  There is nothing better than marrying someone who grew to be your best friend...and continues to be that same best friend to this very day.

   I could fill pages about our relationship and the strength is has gained over these past 10 years.  We've had trials like any other couple.  We've made life-changing decisions, career decisions, family decisions, etc...together.  We laugh often and still tell each other jokes.  We confide in one another and become vulnerable when it comes to sharing our own insecurities.  We watch our kids and then look at each other in smile...I think both knowing "we created these beautiful people" (well, they're beautiful in those moments...the other times we look at each other I think we're thinking "why did we create these people?" ...just kidding!)

   A lot of other couples do these things and have these feelings too, but through all of it, what makes it most satisfying is that we have found faith, hope, and joy because we have Jesus as our foundation.  We've celebrated and struggled but always knew He was there with us.  Without this faith in Christ we could have traveled through dark, scary alleys instead of just falling in a small pothole.  Marriage is wonderful, but it's not easy and something to be worked on and through everyday.

  I love Cade more and more each day.  It's a gift to know him, a gift to be with him, and an even greater gift to know I get to spend the rest of my life with him!  Love you babe!

June vs. Jill

  So, last night I was having a June Cleaver moment as I baked my cookies...well, the more I think about it, it wasn't like June Cleaver would have experienced at all!  I didn't wear an apron, rather, the sweat pouring from my brow, from not just baking cookies, but the 20 other things I was doing as well.  I don't think the Beaver or Wally stood in line asking for chunks of cookie dough as a little treat, and I never saw June wearing a Baby Bjorn in any episode while baking either?  Yes, June was a great mother, so well-tempered and self-controlled, and always seemed organized and put-together, and I often look around and see "June Cleavers" at church, in the grocery store, the library, etc...buuuuuuuutttt, that's a far cry from what I experience day-to-day as a mom of four.  I've realized I'm putting these other women on a pedestal (and am sinfully jealous), and trying to be that woman instead of who God made me...hot mess and all!  So, over the course of this week, I have been laughing to myself about the things that happen and I realize it's because I'm a mom, and there's just craziness that comes with it!  These aren't always things I'm proud of (by any means), or things I'd choose to converse about over a nice dinner with friends I'm trying to impress, but just things a mom, or anyone who knows a mom well, would understand.  So, here's my list of reasons I know I'm a mom (in no particular order!):

1.  As I've been trying to REALLY organize the house AGAIN to get ready for homeschooling, I've realized that some people have "junk drawers", but I have junk drawers, a junk closet, and just junk EVERYWHERE!

2.  I've started working out again in the last couple weeks.  I've realized I am the lady in the Goodwill commercial who will never fit into many of my clothes again.  I mean, baby #3 took me over the edge, and well, this baby #4 just killed my body!

3.  Speaking of working out, can any mom really do such a thing anymore without wetting herself just a little?  Not to mention sneeze, cough, or be startled suddenly?

4.  This week I was trying to get a lot accomplished without much success (imagine that?).  Last night I found myself making a "to do" list of things I'd already done just so I could cross things off and feel like I did something this week!

5.  I love listening to my music and singing in the van (by myself!).  However, there is nothing more wasteful in the sense of that time than when I find myself riding in the van (by myself), and for the first 15 minutes, listening to children's music and singing along....ahhhh!

6.  I have to admit....there is something sad about yelling at your kids to stop yelling!!

7.  I try to put in place a lot of "systems", routines, new rules, etc... that only last a day or two...it's hard to find order and consistency in motherhood...still working on it!

8.  My kids sometimes (ok, more than sometimes) don't eat fruits and veggies at every meal and sometimes (ok, lots of times) I feel like a made-to-order cook.  This is something I'm definitely wanting to work on, and for this reason,  it makes dinnertime one of my least favorite times of the day (when it should be one of the most valued).  With all of the kids at their ages (which shouldn't be an excuse, I know), I sometimes feel like we're even eating in shifts (but, honestly, we do almost always eat together as a family every night).  Mealtime is definitely something we're working on in our house.

9.  On the contrary, one of my favorite moments of the day is bedtime...not actually the kids bedtime, but my bedtime.  I love looking in on the kids and seeing them sleeping peacefully.  And honestly, it's not always because they're sleeping peacefully, but simply because they're ASLEEP and it's peaceful!!

10.  I struggle every day to know if  I'm doing a good job and the right things for my family.  Am I showing them Christ's love through my words and actions...am I an example to them?  Am I spending enough time with them as a group or one-on-one?  Do they know they're loved for who they are or am I making them feel like they're not good enough?  Am I making a safe environment for them--to speak to me and share their thoughts and fears?  I think these are the thoughts that make me a mom more than anything...the thoughts that run through my mind (from Satan, of course) that make me doubt that God gave me this family because He knew I could do it...He knew I could love them and care for them as He would (ok, ok, He would do a much better job, and surely wouldn't wet His pants, but you get it). 

  Looking forward to a new week full of hope... hope that I can work on each of these things, but still find joy in the valleys and in all the work God has set before me.  More than anything, through my family and in this work, I am finding the rough patches in my own life...the things that are holding me back from being the mom, wife, and woman God desires me to be.  But, each day I get a new chance to make better decisions for Him and in Him.  Praise Him!

It's Been Going...

   Well, it's been way to long since my last post!   I've actually attempted to start this blog entry a couple times, but get interrupted, and by the time I get another opportunity, a few days have passed and the deep thought I had has turned into a mist...as do most thoughts these days...last week @ church someone asked me Ellie's middle name, and I couldn't even tell them until after a good minute!!   Finding some quiet time is rare these days and I've actually been using any of that time I have to read...I feel like I've been reading a lot lately...and reading for ME, not how to be a better mom or better at anything for that matter, but just books that are inspiring me, and, in turn, are hopefully making me a better wife, mom, and woman of God.  I am currently reading a book called Cold Tangerines.  I've enjoyed this book so much and I would say it's one of my favorites!  I feel that the author writes similar to my style of writing, which has made my wheels turn as to what God has over the horizon for me.  Writing has always been a passion of mine and one of the main reasons for my degree in English in my undergrad, but I've always found it hard to paper and pencil journal, yet blogging seems to have caught me this time and hopefully I can keep up with it.  Books ideas are always spinning, but I still don't have the confidence that I have enough of anything to share.  Being in the hospital, blogging seemed to have allowed me to be transparent and really share the good, the bad, and the very ugly parts of me...but as I also shared, it's allowed me to dive deeper into myself and realize the parts of me that need to be worked on and grow in this journey of motherhood.  I've realized my selfish tendencies, my maternal instinct to protect, and the importance of a strong and healthy marriage with a dose of good girlfriend nights at Starbucks!
   Ellie is now 5 weeks old and about 8 lbs.  She is such a sweet baby and very good.  The kids have done really well with her and can't walk past her without touching her or kissing on her...they love her, and I can't wait until she can join in their little "gang"...although I can wait on one more kiddo to have to referee!   I feel like I'm doing really well so far in balancing everything and keeping my sanity.  I suffered from post-partum anxiety with the other three, but this time around has been different for some reason...whatever the reason, I am grateful.  Post-partum is nothing I have ever been ashamed of, and I try to tell other women they shouldn't either.  We're wearing a lot of hats as moms and balancing it all can sometimes be a little overwhelming.
  Over the course of the last couple weeks, I've talked with a few mom friends that I'm still getting to know.  I always feel refreshed and normalized after meeting with other moms.  I realize I'm not the only one who is particular about the small things.  For example, my dear husband was so willing to put the sheets on the kids' beds as I was feeding Ellie and the other kids were heading to bed.  When I went in to check on Camden as I was finally going to bed at 1am with Ellie, I noticed that the characters on his bed were upside down...ahhhhh!!  I've really tried to let go of these little things, but  I very much wanted to pull Camden out of bed and fix them!  You will be proud of me to know that I didn't, but it took me awhile to make myself fall asleep and forget about the sheets.  I did, however, fix them the next morning, and calmly explained to Cade, in the most gracious way, as to how to put on the sheets...he laughed at my craziness and offered to get me some counseling (btw, we were both laughing!). 
  I've also talked with a mom who has only made me more passionate about my role in MOPS.  So many moms, including myself, just aren't feeling great about themselves.  The guilt piles up all day long when we're dealing with little ones and we just never feel good enough to meet all their needs...and often they let us know that...regardless of how irrational that need is!  For instance, the other night we let them stay up a little longer and watch Wipeout.  I came downstairs at about 8:02 and turned it on.  Brooklyn came down at 8:03 and seems to think  I can rewind time, or that her life is over because she missed two minutes of the show...does she not understand we don't have DVR and that it's not the end of the world?  No, she stomps to the couch and pouts, blaming me (of course, THE MOM) that she missed someone falling into goop!  Sometimes if I'm grumpy at the end of the day, I look back at the day and realize that all I've said is "No", "don't do that!", "ok, you need to sit here for timeout", etc...everything seems negative.  We are home to build our children up, and I know we are, but the times we have to discipline and correct, often make our hearts heavy.  I love being a part of MOPS and being able to talk and create an environment that encourages moms.  I love being a mom.  I love other moms and want them to see the importance of their role as mom even in the midst of 5 yr. old demands and attitude, 4 yr. old whining, 2 yr. old ornryness, and a crying newborn (ok, well, that's where I'm at!).  We are all in this together (HS Musical reference),  and we need each other to feel normal, encouraged, and to lean on.
   It's with a happy heart that I know I'm in His plan and not my own.  I know my time here is limited and I'm looking for ways to make an impact on my children.  Right now, with some neighbor girlfriends, I'm study How to be a Woman of Excellence.  I'm really being convicted as to how to grow as a mom, wife, and woman.  It's so hard...I mess up every day...but the good news is that He loves us,  He forgives us, and their is HOPE that comes with each day.  I'm trying, as I'm sure many of you are, to be better FOR Him and IN Him.  In thanks to many of you for the prayers I have coveted for the last few months, I am now praying for you...you moms (and dads if any guys are really reading this) that are struggling right now to know how God is using you and what He desires for you.  Please feel free to email me or FB me and let me know how I can be specifically praying for your needs.  Love you all!
 

Welcome Elizabeth "Ellie" Jane Stockwell

  After seven weeks on bedrest, six hospital visits, three episodes of magnesium, and two tries at the epidural, this Amazing Race is OVER...Baby Ellie is finally here!  We are so blessed to have had this beautiful baby girl on a beautiful Friday evening on June 10th.  She weighed in at 6 lbs. and 20 1/2 in. in length at 7:02pm.  She came out after only pushing through two contractions.  For the first time in our experiences of having our children, we allowed for my mom and sister to be present during the delivery.  After helping a friend with a homebirth this past fall, I realized that personally being able to see a baby being born is such a blessing.  My mom and sister had both really wanted to come in, and how could I deny them after what I had been able to experience.  It was so awesome having them there and watching their tears of joy shed as she was born.  She was perfect!
   Ellie has been able to stay with us in the room from the get-go.  Everything has gone well.  She loves to be held and snuggled, which I am sure she will get plenty of at our house.  The kids came to see her yesterday and just fell in love...especially Savannah.  I know she is excited for Mommy and baby to be home for good.  We are so excited to just get our lives back and begin our new normal....whatever those details might entail?!
   I am so tired, but so overjoyed and full of love.  Everytime I've had a baby, I get a better glimpse of God's love for me and all of us for that matter.  His love is so overwhelming and it is that way for each of us.  We really don't know how much love we have in us until we're asked to share it so intimately and with so many, especially with our spouse and then many children.  And we fall hard for those little babies!!  Just to look at Ellie and see that God had knitted her to perfection in my womb and kept her nestled there until the perfect time...and really, His timing seemed like a reward on Friday...the situation could not have been more ideal and gone more smoothly.  I really felt rewarded for our perseverance.   I know I spent many weeks and days in frustration and feeling defeated, but through that time, I know God really worked on me, and worked so this transition with our new baby girl would be much easier...and now it will be since she will be coming home WITH US today!! 
   Finally, I could not end this entry without expressing our appreciation for all of you who have followed us through this journey...whether through prayers, meals, watching kids, sending a card, a phone call, an email, words of enouragement, books and magazines, gift bags for our kids, Starbucks, fountain Cokes, or milkshake runs, etc... you have touched our lives.  We are still feeling the love!!  We look forward to getting home and sharing her with each of you.  We will always let her know how special this experience was for us and how so many great friends and family rooted for her to make it as far as she did...she will always know she is a champion!  Thanks again and hugs and love to all of you!  Take care.

Blessings

One of the first things Savannah said to me this morning was, "Mommy, baby coming out?"  I think she is just as anxious as me to meet this little one.  It's so hard to wait for a surprise or a special gift...we always want to know what's inside...what are we going to get?   I am  now 36 weeks and 4 days...so exciting!  I know the end is coming, I just hope baby knows he/she can only hide up there only a little while longer and eventually he/she will have to get his/her stubborn self out of there.  I just keep praying that he/she will see the light and bolt towards it!!   
  I spent the evening by myself going to the store after a long (but good) day with the kids.  I realized as I drove to the store belting out praise music in the car that this might be one of the last evenings I am able to really spend alone for awhile.   On the way home I stopped at Steak 'N Shake and got a milkshake for Cade and I...mmmmm, it was good.  I also came to the realization that these will be the last days I can just stop for burgers, milkshakes, and fountain Cokes.  It won't be long before I'm eating carrot sticks, fruit, and drinking only water, trying to shed these pounds...but in the meantime, I think I'll enjoy these last little cravings!
   The more I've spoken to people the last couple of days, the more I have thought about what God is really trying to show me through this never-ending pregnancy!  Over the last three days, I feel like I've finally come to terms with the fact that God is ultimately in control.  I'm not trying so hard anymore to make baby come, but have really tried to lavish in the time He's given me with the three precious babies I have in front of me.  I've taken the time to play games, read books, get in the pool, and pitch balls, all because I want each of them to know how much I love them, and to not ever think this new baby will replace that love.  It's been so good spending my days just enjoying each of them and their unique personalities. 
    Recently, I heard of the song Blessings by Laura Story.  This song is really reflective of how God teaches us through difficult times and how He shows us His mercy and grace when He doesn't always answer our prayers the way we would like.  In the last few days, I've really seen how God might be working for a reason to keep this baby toasting a little longer.   I am trying to see the goodness in this waiting game instead of the frustration and demand of keeping my legs shaved!   Really, James 1:2-5 says,
  "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you      know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you."

God has definitely produced some perseverance in me and our entire family.  He has matured my faith and given me no excuse why leaning into Him and the power of prayer should ever be doubted.  I am sure I am still lacking wisdom that will come through other valleys I will face in the future, but I know now to only make sure I'm relying on Him and not my own strategy, agenda, or comforts.  Our trials come in many circumstances, events, time periods, and are, of course, mostly unpredictable.  They don't always initially bring out the best in us or bring us to our knees right away.  Whatever difficulty that comes in our way as a family, from now on, will be seen as a time to see God's hand working in our lives, and not a time to huddle up and figure out our next move.  I know I have mentioned this earlier, but hopefully this whole experience is simply a way to teach our children God's perfect timing and that He has a plan for each of us.
  Well, I head to the doctor again this Friday.  Hopefully I will get a better idea of where baby is and how I am possibly progressing.  I am looking forward to a pool playdate tomorrow with a friend...it has actually been fun to make plans and I'm trying not to be so cautious about where I am...I really am letting go of that control (but there is a hospital within 10 min.).  I hope anyone reading this can take the time to check out the YouTube video of the song Blessings.  If you're going through a trial now, know prayer is essential, and even if God isn't answering in a way that fits your fancy, there are blessings in the raindrops and through your tears...His mercy and love endure.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4mmgV6mPvb0&NR=1,
Have a great rest of the week...love, Jill

What's Funny About This??

   I'm trying to keep my sense of humor about the fact that I layed around for 7 weeks afraid of doing too much of anything to keep this baby from "falling out" and now I'm doing everything I can to get this baby to come out, and he/she doesn't want to budge...what gives?  It is such a blessing in my mind at this point to know that I will get to hold this baby in my arms at the hospital and he/she will not likely be put in the NICU at this point.  The idea of normalcy is not far from being here...well, as normal as things will be with 4 kids under 5 1/2.   It is almost humorous how many myths we've tried to get this labor naturally induced, but baby seems settled and comfortable (for him/her at least!).  The doctor keeps reassuring me at least there is a due date and we know there will be an end...it's just not been soon enough.  I think if this were a "normal" pregnancy I could except any date they'd give me, but I considered myself well overdue last Friday;) 
   Today at the doctor, I did have a slight meltdown, which told me I might be losing it.  The nurse told me I had to do another test, which I knew I had already done at the hospital.  Unfortunately, the office and hospitals don't tend to share records with each other, which has been frustrating at times from the standpoint of having to be poked and prodded to repeat tests (and pay for them...praise God for insurance).  It was just frustrating.  It didn't take long to calm down though...I think I am slowly finding ways to smile and find the humor in all of this and realize that God's timing will be perfect and that I really can't change His plan. 
  I have been enjoying this beautiful weather and spending time outside with the kids and Cade.  We are looking forward to baby and anxiously awaiting his/her arrival and are exicted to you all to meet baby too!  Thanks for your prayers and continued support...now we're just praying baby will make his/her appearance soon!!