I love Moms!

  We are right around the corner from a new MOPS year.  I am so excited to be a part of another wonderful leadership team.  Each woman brings so many unique gifts to the table to offer.  I must say that I am so blessed to be around creative geniuses, couponing queens, discount divas, prayer warriors, and mentor moms---all who have touched me and helped me to learn and grow as a mom, wife, and woman. 

  I think moms are the coolest people around...really!  I know we can also be the most stressed and the least made-up (with our hair pulled back, no make-up, and clothes that hide whatever muffin top some of us still have), but we can also be the most fun and most real (when we choose to anyway).  I always look forward to my time at MOPS.  I consider myself to be pretty open and transparent about the things I struggle with and the mistakes I've made as a mom.  Who knew there would be a whole meeting where I could share all of these things with other moms?  I love it!  I love sharing these mishaps (and the good mom stuff too) with moms because whether you're a mom of 1 or 4 or 7, you're a mom who will make mistakes...no mom is perfect.  I know there are moms out there that I put on a pedestal and I shouldn't.  She has off days too...days that her kids cry at the store, they don't listen and obey, and days that she questions, "Are these kids really mine?"   

  When I first became pregnant with Brooklyn, I started reading (mom/new parent books)...and then I stopped!  Everyone and everything in those books were giving me a complex.  I learned and continue to learn most of my mothering from watching other moms and asking questions.  That's why I love to share with moms.  The only way we can learn and grow in this area is to be truly real with one another.  To know that we all fail on a daily basis...sure, we all want to be that mom who breaks out her perfect picnic basket at the playdate full of sandwiches that include lettuce, carrots that our kids will eat with out ranch, and an entire fruit tray...but, I know I'm not.  I'm lucky to get my kids to engage in eating a 1/2 of a sandwich with peanut butter and some kind of fruit, but surely we know they simply are choking it down to get the chips and chocolate chip cookie they know I brought!  

  Unfortunately, our life isn't the Brady Bunch where things resolve themselves quickly, and everyone, including Alice (who has an Alice these days anyway?), is just a happy camper.  We sure have an Oscar the Grouch around here every day, and sometimes it's even me.  There just isn't a perfect family, a perfect mom, or perfect kids.  For some reasons I still find myself with the expectation that this will happen, but each time I'm disappointed.  For instance, in my mind, when we started homeschooling, I was certain that we would gather at the table each morning and do a family devotion, say the pledge, read our verse, do the calendar and weather, and the kids would work wonderfully and diligently as I taught them new things each day...REALITY:  Brooklyn and I are able to complete her schoolwork successfully, but there are times I'm holding Ellie while teaching, we've only said the pledge 3-4 times in the last 2 weeks, we've only done 2 family devotions, and I encourage T.V. watching, Wii playing, and computer time for Camden and Savannah just so I can get the work done!  Now, that to say, I have loved homeschooling and I know over time we will all adjust and I can make our time and schedule more productive and efficient as we move forward, but I had to jump in with two feet and try before I could make those adjustments and learn where our weaknesses were. 

  Anyway, back to MOPS...Two years ago, a MOPS speaker challenged us to find our passion.  I really thought about that...hard.  Of course, my family is my passion, but outside of that I realized that I loved moms.  I love spending time with other moms, encouraging other moms, and helping moms to realize they are not alone in this journey (it's kind of like No Child Left Behind...No Mom Left Behind).  When I first had Brooklyn, I did feel alone.  I thought I was the only one whose baby didn't sleep well, or the only mom who found she couldn't breastfeed.   Little thoughts like that can drive a woman crazy...no woman really wants to be alone...I mean, don't get me wrong, I love to be alone (in peace and quiet), but not alone too long with my thoughts, because I know I can drag myself down to believing I'm not good enough.  

  As usual, I think this post has been all over the place, but I am so excited that MOPS begins this next week.  I would encourage all moms to find other moms to get together with...it doesn't have to be MOPS...it can be with your neighbors, church friends, etc..., but don't be alone.  Don't be afraid of that "perfect mom" you see walking in the grocery with her kids waddling quietly behind her, not knocking anything off the shelves (she surely drugged them or threatened their life before they left the van)....that mom doesn't exist.  And if you're reading this and you need a mom friend, let me know, and we'll schedule a playdate!

Feeling a little Gray

  Well, it's so quiet tonight at the house, I thought it would be a good time to blog!  My days with Savannah seem never-ending with these terrible 2's.  My other kids were not like her...let's just say she has her own sense of "spunk".  Cade assures me she will one day be a very fun kid...I look very forward to that day because right now she is just a hot mess.  I spend most of my days just putting out her fires and cleaning up her messes! 

  Brooklyn and I have been getting along well as we've started homeschooling this week.  She is really trying hard and it's fun to watch her learn and process her work.  I know one day she'll be out doing it on her own, but I love watching her confidence build and knowing that I am affirming her.  Tonight I really got a glimpse that my once-baby is growing up...she lost her first tooth!  I watcher her wiggle it, twist it, and the pull that sucker right out.  I have never seen her so excited...it's a joy God gives us to see our children beam with happiness...what a gift:)

  So what's really been on my mind?  Well, the Goodwill commercial...I am THAT lady who is throwing her clothes out...my line, "Well, that fit...4 babies ago!  This body will never be the same."  I've realized most recently while doing the laundry that I sure do wear a lot of gray...and I think it's actually a reflection of how I've been feeling about myself.  Now, I know I'm not obese and I just had a baby coming on 10 wks. ago, but my body image and self-esteem are struggling.  I really worry that the confidence I once had will never  return.  It has made it hard to feel like myself and feel comfortable being around other people.  In all honesty (because you know I'm honest here), my body image consumes me and has for many years.  I mean, it's the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see at night.  It's what I notice about other people.  I sometimes secretly wish my tiny friends would eat a few more burgers, but mostly I just long to know the secrets God gave their metabolism since He seemed to skip over mine...or did He? 

  It's no lie that God created all of us in His image, so why do I struggle with this acceptance?  Cade loves me and has never given me any reason to believe he doesn't have eyes for me; my kids love me and see me as Mom, not a marshmellow (oh, and Camden hasn't asked me anymore when the baby will come out of my belly again).  I know my body, although less than stellar now, was intended to bear life to four marvelous miracles.  I know that it has carried them, nourished them, and well, we won't say held them to term because that just wouldn't be true...but this bod's earned a good B+ for her effort!  My body has had the strength to push them out and then heal from all that trauma. God made a woman's body special...if I could only see it in the mirror.

  I know some of you don't struggle with this, but maybe it's not about your weight, but something else.  There's surely something in all of us that we fail to see as beautiful.  I'm working hard mentally, emotionally, and spiritually to accept who I am.  You'd think by 32 I would know this.  It's an insecurity I've carried as a burden for many years.  I'm getting vulnerable with you so that you know you're not alone.  I think some people look at other women and think, "Wow, she's got it all together."  I've done that, and I've also learned that there is no perfect woman.  God gives us all our little "hang up"...I'm trying to understand how to handle it (and others I'll take up with God later)?

   There's something in me that longs to feel comfortable in my own skin and to be all God has intended for me to be.  I'm really feeling guilty through much of this though because God definitely doesn't look at anything but the heart.  Unfortunately sometimes I have heart failure.  I've let my outside determine my inside, which in turn, has kept me back from fully using the gifts He's given me.  I have a goal  now though and have been getting back into the groove of exercising and making a point to be healthy and strong for our children, and so I let God see that He made me more than a body, but a woman with a passion to serve people.  I know I can do it, and whatever your "hang up" is, you can overcome it too:)

Beautiful by Bethany Dillon  (song)

School's in Session

  Wow, I can't believe tomorrow we start school.  I'm a little nervous about what the year will bring.  Homeschooling was never on my radar when we planned to have a family, but here we are!  Even though I have the first day jitters, I'm pretty excited to get things underway.  I'm praying this is a great opportunity to give our family back some structure since Ellie's been born.  We're so close to getting back into routine and back in a rhythm.  It's been a crazy summer, and I'm honestly not sure where it went?  I'm also praying that this is a time that I can grow closer to Brooklyn.  The poor girl is dying for my attention, and I know as much as she loves her siblings, she really needs that one-on-one time with me.  I'm hoping this will be times of positive reinforcement and that God gives me grace in all circumstances...especially in this first week.  It will be challenging to play both the teacher role and Mommy role, but I've watched many moms do it, so I know there will be a way.

  Through all of the decisions we have made over the past year, I'm so thankful that Cade has jumped on board with everything.  I know he was hesitant at first, but I am grateful he considered my concerns and desires and took the time to talk with other homeschool husbands, and even attended the Homeschool Convention!  I think we both know this is a trial year and one year at time is what we've agreed to...and even if I have them home for one more year, I'm thankful (but don't ask me about that in January!).  I'm also happy my family has responded well.  I know not everyone thinks we're making the "right" decision, but everyone has been supportive, so I hope they will see the fruit.  I hope the see the confidence that needs to build up in Brooklyn...and I hope we can all help her become who God has intended for her to be!

  On an unrelated note, these last couple weeks I've seen and heard of a lot of tragedy.  I know all of the families who are suffering (although not well), but all have involved children.  It has made me appreciate my own children, but I feel so much guilt.  God has given me such a gift in my children and I'm not always sure I take care of that gift the way He had intended.  In all transparency, I don't think I'll be winning the "Patient Mom of the Year" award and I'm glad I was recently reminded about the gift of grace.  So many children are effected by the loss of a parent, or parents are effected by the loss or illness of children.  I'm so blessed to have healthy children...they're here right in front of me...I need to take advantage of that.  Yes, they need to learn to play independently...have imaginations, etc., etc, etc...BUT I need to BE with them.  I need to take more opportunities to read to them, play a game, draw a picture, give a hug, a smooch, and affirm them--tell them I love them and tell them Jesus loves them.  I want to be a woman of grace and excellence...a woman my children look at and want to be near...and I still have some work to go in this area.  I have been praying for my friends who have or are suffering loss in their lives right now.  I'm praying that they heal quickly, knowing that life here is not our home.  And although their loss or trial is difficult, it has been used to show people like me that our life here is temporary and not only will I and my children be gone, but that knowing that, I have little time to show my children love so that I might leave an eternal legacy for them...leaving something to them that is more important than Disney world, game systems, or the size of our house.  I hope that on the day that we part, whenever that may be, that they knew Christ because they saw Him in me.

  Well, when I started blogging tonight I didn't think I'd have much to say.  I was excited to begin a new week and a new adventure.  I guess I've been thinking a lot this week too.  God has definitely put a lot on my heart and probably in good timing--starting tomorrow I have the opportunity to really have an impact in the lives of my children.  I hope He will be glorified in all of it!

God as Father

   I welcome the new day...it's beautiful this morning.  I feel like life has been out of control lately.  The kids seem to have forgotten what it means to obey the first time they're asked, what it means to be kind to one another, and how to serve one another and help around the house.  To be honest, I've felt like a failure.  I feel like the tone of my voice is angry and I have been less than Christ's example of love for my children.  How will they know Him if I'm not reflecting who He really is?  I want so much for them to know Him, but I feel like I am holding them back...they are a reflection of me, and I'm not being a reflection of Him.

  When I woke up this morning, I appreciated that it was a day to start over.  Each day His mercies are anew, and this morning I realized mine were too for my children.  I wanted to give them a fresh start, a day to have another chance to do the right things and feel forgiven.  The more I learn and grow as a parent, the more I feel like I understand God.  I think every parent could tell you that as soon as they become pregnant or deliver and see their new baby, they have a better understanding of Christ's overwhelming love.  You would do anything for that child to protect them, and you desire the best for their life.  I want the best for my children...not in terms of materialism, vacations, etc..., but to help them understand how to invest for their eternal lives by building relationships, serving others, and giving generously.  So, my frustrations come from times when I feel like we're teaching  and modeling those things, and the fruit is slow to grow.

  I think God sent Jesus so He would understand us, and I think He gave us children so we would understand Him.  I spend every day wondering why I can't get through to my kids...why don't they want to give to each other instead of being selfish and teasing; why don't they obey immediately instead of trying to find their way around their chores or the task at hand; and why is everything ever enough?  But the more I have thought about this, aren't I like that with God?  I'm always wanting more, and life's circumstances have never been "perfect" enough for me.  God has made many roads clear, and I have clearly chosen at times to follow down a different path, thinking my way was best.  And, I have certainly been selfish with my time and possessions with friends, my spouse, and my children.  Isn't God exhausted and tired of me?  But like I said earlier, His mercies are new every day and I feel that.  I feel forgiven, and loved, and like I get to start over.  And I want to be that way for my children.

  Parenting definitely gets more and more challenging every day.  And we only have 4 kids...I can't imagine the exhaustion God feels!  I guess what I'm trying to say, and what I learning, is that when I'm so frustrated with my kids, it's an opportunity to pray.  It's time to think about what I've done and where I've fallen and how I've been forgiven.  It's a chance to give my kids the grace they deserve because I've been overwhelmed by that grace time and time again.  I hope in recognizing this I can become a better mom and a better reflection of Christ...the Christ I want my kids to know and see in me.